”…And as time roll by
still I feel like a child
as I look at the moon
maybe I grew up
a little too soon…”

I’ve got urinary tract infection. My signature illness. Have to call the doctors tomorrow and hope that it won’t get worse. Good thing is I don’t have fever though

I hate people. I hate to let people in close to me. Cause they’re a hell to get out of your head and heart once you have to

For days now I’ve just been in my apartment, been depressed, slept and just felt hopeless… I fucking HATE that I have to try so damn hard to do anything at all! From getting out of my bed, to get out of my apartment, to go to the gym… I thought I was doing good with the outdoor walks and the excersising in the gym…but now everything just seem pointless!

My book is still just a draft that I haven’t felt like do anything about, eventhough I know getting it published will feel like it will ”save my life” for awhile… I have no motivation for anything…again… it comes in waves and when the wave comes, they crash
I’m meeting my shrink in a week and I’ve written down stuff I need to talk about, but I want to see him NOW… bleh.. oh well, I’m going to a friends place tonight. I can’t sleep alone again

…a bigger apartment…so that I can get a writing desk… this is how my only big table in my apartment looks like now after I bought a documentholder and a printer today: :p

Since I celebrated New Years Eve yesterday by being sober, I also had a good start for my resolution for 2010: Take more care of myself and not drink much alcohol at all!

I need to start exercising soon though and to start that off, I thought that tomorrow I’m gonna get up fairly early and take a walk and when I can’t walk anylonger cause of my legs being too tired, I’m gonna get on a train and go to stockholm city and buy me a printer for my computer! Yay! hehe, needed to put in some exercise there! I will try to excersise daily now.
I haven’t bought the gymcard yet though, cause I can’t decide whether I’m gonna pay for the cheap card where you can only be at the gym 6.00-16.00 or the 100 kr more expencive card where you can be at the gym 24/7…hmm.. I hate making decisions!

But yeah, I’ll take a long walk tomorrow and I’ll be able to write that down in my new Exercising Calendar! It’s a calendar for 2010 where you fill in how much good stuff you’ve been doing during each day/week. Like, ”slept 7-8 hours”, ”eating healthy meals”, ”exercised” etc. I bought it to motivate myself

hmm, speaking of sleeping 7-8 hours, I should go to sleep soon if I’m to get up early and take that walk tomorrow. The only thing that bothers me with that is that it’s fucking cold and snow outside I hate cold weather! Oh well…I’ll walk myself warm!

Ta for now!

Year 2010 is gonna be MY year!

Watch out!

I have decided that in 2010 I will publish my first poetry book! And since that will happen in Sweden, I have made a swedish blog instead of my Escapism-blog for my poems and updates about how the publishing works out

Wish me luck, thanks! ;D

I’m making saffron cheesecake with orange/vanilla frosting, Chocolate/Orange cupcakes with yellow frosting, aubergine in mustardsauce, quorn with saffron apples and fennel and soy ”ham” – For my christmas food tomorrow

I’m taking a break now and posting on facebook about the risks with birthcontrol pills. Girls should stay away from it! I’ve stayed away from it for six years (or maybe it’s more). There’s an article about yet another girl who died cause of those pills today in Sweden! It makes me so angry! Stay away from shit like that! bleh!!

I need some rest now, I feel..

TOMORROW IT’S CHRISTMAS!

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!

När varje andetag är laddat med ångest…allt går i en ond cirkel; ens liv, ens beteende, ens tankar, ens andningar… känns som att andas in gas…varje andetag blir snabbare och snabbare, ångesten över att leva slåss med ångesten över att dö… Man vill ingetdera… man vill vara någonstanns mitt emellan..

Skrika och gråta så högt att grannarna hör… ligga ihopkurad som ett barn som får stryk av sin pappa…i soffan som jag inte längre vill ha…

Paniken sitter i hela kroppen, tomheten i magen, kaoset i huvudet… längtan i andningen… längtan till något annorlunda… att bara få komma bort…paniken sprider sig till armarna, händerna, som griper tag… och även fast man inte är religiös så ber man att få slippa känna den här oändliga smärtan inombords. Smärtan som är värre än den fysiska…och mellan dom snabba inandningarna så försöker man skrika…gråten fastnar i halsen och synen är dimmig. Tårar som kommer, alla på samma gång, blöter ner allting och man vill försvinna från den fysiska kroppen, från hjärtats kramper, från magens kullerbyttor…man vill stoppa fingarna i halsen och spy upp sitt hjärta och klippa navelsträngen… man vill bli omhändertagen men man är ensam. Man är helt ensam i sin panik.

01.37 noon and 841006 is signing in.
*beep*

I’m eating my breakfastlunchdinnersnack consisting of sandwiches that sweet Emma gave to me (since I am poor and can’t afford my own food). and on top of that my daily dose of medicines. I have an earinfection so I have to take medicines for that too… It’s nothing bad though

In six days I’m going to my family in motala to stay there over christmas. I’m actually longing to get away from here for awhile :p

hmm…I need to wrap the christmas prezzies..

oooh, I had my first ever Ponymeet two days ago! It was awesome and I made new friends and had a great social day that lasted for 12 hours ;D I got an early christmas gift, we made lots of gingerbreads and muffins, ate a lot, played games and watched movies. I feel so social I might have to go underground for a whole year after this! (joke )

I’m actually longing for my christmasgifts… it’s great to feel like a child sometimes

I realized that some of my friends have started updating their blogs again and I have a faint memory that I too have a blog…

So yeah here’s (finally) an update!

I’m on the path where I am looking for stagemanager jobs again. I.Will.Not.Give.It.Up. However I am very lost when it comes to stagemanager jobs here in Sweden. I am taking help by my awesome Jessi and the not so awesome unemployment services. (I managed to convince them that!).
So that’s my most visible path in the otherwise very chaotic forest of my life..

I’m seeing my shrink more often. Good thing!
My lovelife is as fucked up as inviting Hitler to Hanukka though… back and forth, hating myself for my feelings, fucking everything that moves…it’s just chaotic..I’m trying to sort it out too though. It’s just that some people are my heroin! They’re bad for me, but I can’t stay away :-/
So I’m working on that too…

My whole self actually feels like a renovating object with signs on my forehead and on my chest:”WARNING! Avalanche zone!” ”Don’t Trespass!” and so on…

As well as I have started to renovate my inside and my head, I will soon start on the outside aswell; Will start going to a gym, I’m finishing my tattoo on my back and I’m gonna do something about my damn skin on my face. And before christmas I will re-colour my hair again. I’m waiting impatiently for it to grow..

I’m reading the book ”Love Yourself”. So you see I’m very into this whole renovating myself! I’m tired of hating myself… time to accept, renovate, take a deep breath with new air and keep struggling on. Come 2010, I want this year to be over already!

Tomorrow I’m gonna make gingerbreads with some people in Nacka. I’ve never met them before, but included in this ”renovation project” is; Getting New Friends…Oh! and to stop abusing alcohol. It has gone way too far now! So this New Year Celebration will be a sober one. I promise myself that.

In 8 days I’m going to my parents place. I’ll stay there during Christmas, but I’ll be back in stockholm the 27th again. I’ll try to update my blog when I’m there.

See ya!