”…And as time roll by
still I feel like a child
as I look at the moon
maybe I grew up
a little too soon…”

Weird…I really MUST be suffering from Alzheimers Light. I just signed up on LiveJournal to post in my blog, then wondered where the hell my blog was…then realized I’m on WordPress. Not LiveJournal. So now I have an account there aswell. *thumb up for my great memory* :p

Anyway, I haven’t updated for ”years”… thing is I don’t know more what to write… I’m still fucking up school, I still don’t know what to do with my life, I’m dating a girl now cause I’m sick of boys, I turn 25 tomorrow (yes, birthday!), my friend Sofie got her first baby two days ago…hmmm… I’m going to Motala this weekend to celebrate my birthday with my parents and Erik and Sussie That’ll be fun!

hmm, my stomach is acting up…maybe cause I’ve only been eating cookies today… :p

Catch me more on Facebook!

Slås till spillror
Själ som krossat glas

Smärtan, och du har bedövningspilen
i din famn

Smek mej lugn
Håll mej varm

Snart är vintern även utomhus

*************

Sårbarheten
när jag lägger mina handflator upp mot skyn

och undrar vart mina änglar tog vägen

*************

Slicka mina öppna sår,
så som du gör mellan mina ben

*************

Jag är vacker
men min spegelbild är hemsk

*************

Tortyroffer.
Offra en get till din Gud,

eller låt änglarna gråta

*************

It’s not me who controls my wishes or thoughts
it’s my demons

I haven’t been in class for a week or so… I just can’t. But I don’t know why. Anxiety. Carelessness? I don’t know… all I know is the carrier of sorrow I am. Confused. Unfocused. Shattered.
Nightmare awoke me to yet another unpleasant morning where school wasn’t even an option in my head, after several unanswered alarmclock signals. Eventhough I told them ”Yes, I WILL be in class tomorrow. I will.”

Why do I do this?  The teachers just wants to help me, not humiliate me this time! I can’t for the life of me understand my own actions.
Everything is just a big escape and I’ve lost control. Routines aren’t even on my mindmap. There’s no X by the buried treasure.
The grief and sorrow in me is something I don’t have the energy to deal with cause I don’t know how. With a knife again? With even more alcohol?
All I know is that I do not function. All I have as something to try to cling on and try to hold on to each day is my diet. That I know what I will eat. That’s about how much control I have over my life now. There is no more strength in me to fight these demons anymore. I’ve let them control me too much in a row this time.
Naturally. I’m sinking. And it doesn’t matter how much you like me as a person….

Vid vägskälet
i gatulampan
som gav lite trygghet
ville jag stiga åt sidan
bort från tryggheten ett tag
och se vad som var så hotfullt

Vid vägskälet
valde jag efter vinden
efter min insida på ögonlocken
efter syrsornas ljud
och jag klev åt sidan

Gräset högt
Målmedvetna steg genom syrsornas dal
Blind men så öppen
jag såg allting i mörkret
jag snubblade inte en enda gång

Berget högt
skuggor i mina ögonvrår lockade min primitiva rädsla
Jag höll blicken stadig rakt fram
rakt uppåt
medan jag inte snubblade över dom mörka stenarna
Som om jag visste exakt vart allting på marken låg

Andfådd
Hjärtat pumpade all sin energi
Men jag kom upp på toppen
och jag hade inte vänt mej om förens nu
Vinden lekte i mitt hår,
viskade i mina öron och gav mej hopp

Ögonen vande sig vid stjärnljuset
Stjärnfall
Fullmåne
Närmre rymden och närmre min härkomst
stod jag högst upp och var skör men stark
Skuggorna lät mig vara
Mörkret gjorde alla mina sinnen alerta, men inte rädda

Ville somna precis där
högt uppe
Frihet
Inspiration som glödde
Skuggorna som log mot mig i mina ögonvrår
Jag vek inte undan
Tog in nattens luft, nattens ljud, nattens tystnad i varenda cell i kroppen

Där i min rädsla för mörkret blev jag fri
och luften, skuggorna och stjärnorna sa,

att jag var välkommen åter.

School is great. Love still sucks. Heartbroken again. Panicattack, crying, screaming, exhausting, death-wishes and so incredibly hurt deep inside her soul that nothing is left there anymore.

You can fuck off cause you fucking hurt me!
Bastard!

I’m so bad at updating my blog nowadays! :-/

It has happened quite a lot and that’s why I haven’t really written anthing in my blog for a while;

- my sister has moved to finland

- I have started studying a one year course of art (in all its forms), psychology, pedagogy and self-development. I love it already eventhough I’ve only been studying for a week

- I’m becoming a vegetarian

- I got my hair cut and colored (it’s a bit 90’s-bob-haircut now, and red and black!)

Hmm.. basically why I havent  been updating my blog is cause too much has happened inside of me with the start of school and meeting my new classmates etc… A lot of good things are going on with me now and I feel so grateful and happy

I need to go to sleep a lot earlier than normal though, being in school again is taking much energy! I’m ready to die of sleep when I come home :p
Tomorrow I’m going to my shrink, then to Kista Mässan to an exhibition of how to live an ecologic life/lifestyle. After that I’m going to my friends to have a party at my friends beach house, sleep-over and then on saturday we’ll go to StageDive Day Out Festival together to listen to livebands

Things just feel so awesome right now so I think I’ll really just enjoy the moments

Today was my first school day in six years.
I really enjoyed this first day and I think I will have an awesome and very interesting and good time in this school This course I go is aesthetic and psychologic at the same time Tomorrow we’ll start with painting with acrylics! other subjects I have are sculpture, photography, puppet makery,  pedagogy etc.

We’re 12 in my class and we start at 8.30 in the mornings and finish at 15.30. Finally I do something good during the days!

I was worried about my money from CSN (Central Study—something :p) but I called them today and I will get my payment in two days! It’s a lot of money (at least for me!) and I really need it now! I have like…5 crowns in my bankaccount and that’s it >_< I need to buy food. Especially since I have to buy my own school lunch! Money is very convenient :p

Might write more tomorrow, about my second schoolday, but I’m gonna hang out with Henke aswell

See ya!

Maybe this is it… I don’t know what I’m reaching out for…I reach out to survive I guess… I’m getting worse with dealing with the nights, the tears, the silence, the radio, the sounds, the everything…

All evening this sentence has echoed in my head:”Maybe I don’t want to get better”. It scares me cause it might be very true.
Maybe I don’t want to get better?
I’m going down again, tears in my eyes again… and I just want to disappear. I want to get away from everybody. I want to unplug my internet and never be online anymore just cause I don’t want to be seen by people anymore. Not now…
I see myself in another sort of environment where nobody knows about me. Where I can be anyone and maybe make up a new self. A new life.

But maybe I don’t want to change?
Maybe I don’t want to get better?
As each day goes by, I fear that this really is it for me. And if this is it for me….then I really just want to sleep.

I don’t know which way I’m going to now

The first week of working as a gardener since vacation and this is my second day I stay home….because….I really don’t know… I’m terrified I will feel like things doesn’t matter even when I start school in two weeks! I just don’t feel like I should go to work! I feel like a 13 year old who doesn’t care about school. I feel like I don’t really care. I feel worthless when I wake up in the mornings, so I just go back to sleep. But not even in my sleep will I feel good cause I have nightmares that reminds me of reality

I’m just drained of motivation, energy, care….
I’m irritated at everything in life, at people….
I just want to sleep…

Why do I act like this when finally things are going in the right direction? Stupid brain…

I can’t define this feeling I have… it’s like I’m floating around inbetween things; Pride is over, I’m back working as a gardener, school starts in two weeks… woke up from a nightmare this morning and my stomach was hurting so mucj,  think it was anxiety…so I called in sick from work…I’m comfort-eating but I don’t really know why. (probably cause I can’t get rid of this lonely feeling and the feeling of not knowing who I am).

Love is pointless.
and Pelle still hurts me by being the wonderful guy I can’t live with.
I’m so tired all the day, eventhough I take naps, I’m still tired and feel like I can fall asleep whenever…

I’m the Carrier Of Sorrow…but it’s been a long while since I knew why.