Letting out pain

I’ve made it through the scariest time of my life. Not going into details, but it’s the reason why I’ve been absent from social sites on the internet for 2 weeks..
And yesterday it all got solved and I felt happy, I could eat a normal meal without puking for the first time in 2 weeks! I felt happy and like I could make it through this shit of a life after all, since I felt strong.

Then another part of reality hit me and life made it very clear for me that Oh hell no, I’m not going nowhere with my life! I’m a fuck-up, a loser, a mental case, good-for-nothing and I’m staying in this shit system called life unless I actually make up my mind about killing myself!

There’s no way out for me and there’s no light cause as soon as I get a glimpse, a tiny ray shining down on me and I allow myself to feel strong, I get knocked down twice as hard, reminding me of my place in this freak show and nut-house.

And I’m tired of escaping to music and movies and shit that don’t matter, cause in the end I’m always crouched in a corner, crying and wanting everything to stop spinning around me and I get reminded to NOT EVER FEEL like I was strong, NOT EVER THINK that maybe there is a purpose for me here on earth!

So I start with my self punishment again for being so incredible STUPID as to believe that there is something for me in this life! I’m such a stupid fucking idiot to think that I would make this and become something that I would be proud of!
I can’t do this, I can’t do this fucking thinking and have this fucking mental-suicide brain of mine and at the same time be punished for letting myself think that I might be GOOD FOR SOMETHING, even for a second! I’m so fucking fed up with battling with my own mind all the time and constantly get proved by this society that I sure as hell ain’t nothing! Ever!

I hate life!! I hate MY life!! I hate myself!! I hate my depression, my anxiety, my moodswings, my thoughts, my brain, I hate life!!

Reunion – baby and mommy!

Two boys came up to me yesterday and said that there was a cat wandering around in a basement across the street.
They led me to the apartment and down three floors (!) to the basement and there was my cat Kongo! I have no idea how she managed to get all the way down there, but she’s been missing since two days before New Years, so I was SO happy to find her safe and sound!
Problem now is that she wants to go outside very badly again and I won’t let her cause I’m scared of losing her again…. that’s a price I’ll have to pay though I guess :-/ I’ll see for how long I can keep her indoors and only take her out for a walk on the leash…
I’m not as depressed anymore (back to normal depression) and I’ve started eating now that my baby is back
Here’s a photo I took of her yesterday after the reunion, when she’s sleeping safe and sound in my lap!

My cat, who never is outdoors during nights, has been missing for two days. I’ve been putting up posters with a reward for those who find her.
I’m not celebrating New Year tonight. I’m broken. My cat is my everything. I love her so much I feel so lost when she’s gone She has never gone away like this before and I fear she might have been locked in a garage or something..
I feel empty eventhough I feel like I have 200 tons of sadness weighing my chest down. I haven’t been sleeping or eating well at all since her disappearance. And I fear I won’t do it until I know where she is.

People are celebrating the New Year tonight, the end of 2011, laughing, drinking, shooting fireworks… and all I can think about is maybe my cat is sitting locked in somewhere, being terrified of all the noises and fireworks?

I do feel like I have done everything in my power. I’ve searched everywhere a thousand times, put up posters even on the internet, leaving food outside, sleeping with my door ajar in case she comes back when I sleep… 
I break down crying and wanting to disappear. I can’t stand this feeling of not knowing what has happened to the light of my life. She’s my everything, the reason I stay alive but tonight I wanted to hurt myself…cause I can’t stand these feelings ripping me apart from the inside…
I feel so helpless. Wanting to be outdoors 24/7 calling her name, but I feel like the chances of her coming back tonight when people are shooting fireworks are really small
I can’t look at her food bowl, her boxes of food, her litter box or anything that relates to her without breaking down. I will do ANYTHING to get her back safe

But yeah, searching for her more tonight feels useless cause of the fireworks and I don’t have a flashlight to go into the woods with…
My boyfriend will come to me after midnight (he’s at a new years party) cause he doesn’t want me to sleep alone and I’m thankful for that!
I miss my cat so much it hurts in every fiber of my soul and heart

The search will continue tomorrow for as long as there’s daylight.

Please be safe, my sweetheart. Mommy loves you and misses you so badly!

Till dom som kanske bryr sig

Skrev detta i ett mail till min pojkvän och jag orkar inte skriva om mina tankar som jag vill även skriva ner i min blog, så jag kopierar mailet rakt av. Det är rått, ärligt och så det är:

klockan är nu snart 02.30 och jag har brytit ihop…jag orkar inte leva i det här samhället längre. Jag orkar inte gå på rehab för det enda som skulle få mej rehabiliterad är att slippa det här samhället, inte att deltaga i det, som är målet med min rehab. Jag mår så jävla dåligt och är så jävla olycklig…anledningen till att jag har kass ekonomi är för att jag försöker köpa mej lycka, för det är så det här samhället funkar. Inte just att jag måste ha dom senaste grejerna, men att jag måste ha saker. Jag måste betala hyra i en överdrivet dyr stad. Dom som inte kan betala hyra blir ohyra i rännstenen. Jag orkar inte mer…om jag kände att jag var klar med mitt liv skulle jag nog ta livet av mej, men mitt liv har aldrig ens börjat för jag har “svårt att passa in”. Jag och alla insatser (arbetsförnedringen, försäkringskassan etc) har försökt i flera år att modellera mej in i samhället. Men jag är så jävla olycklig. Det är samhällets fel att jag går på piller, att jag är helt psyko och får ångest över allting. Och jag orkar inte längre..jag vill bara dra härifrån. Jag skiter fan i om jag blir hemlös i en skog, men jag vill bort..jag orkar inte få ångest över allting som samhället och arbetsförmedlingen och regeringen tvångsmatar mej med. Jag spyr ändå upp det på kvällarna, typ.. jag hatar samhället, jag hatar mänskligheten och jag hatar mitt liv. Varför ska samhället ta MITT liv? Jag kommer ta mitt liv på grund av samhället och jag vill inte det! Jag vill inte tvingas in i den jävla äckliga lådan som alla andra gladeligen mosar ner sej själva i! Jag har tänkt i ialla fall tre års tid (om inte mer?) på att dra ifrån allting och bli självförsörjande. Jag är livrädd för att börja bli självförsörjande för att jag inte vet hur fan jag ska bryta mej loss från den här skiten och börja, men jag orkar inte leva så här längre. Ojag orkar inte ha ångest över att mitt liv är skit och det kommer aldrig nånsin bli bättre om jag inte förpassar mej bort från det här sjuka samhället och vägrar ta del i det.
Jag vet att ingen i min nuvarande omkrets av familj och vänner kommer förstå eller uppmuntra mej att göra nånting sånt, men jag dör långsamt i händerna på arbetsförmedlingen, regeringen, samhället, rehab etc etc…det enda alla vill att jag ska gör är att tjäna systemet och dra in pengar till svinen som sitter på sina tronar redan, men jag är inte sån! Jag kan inte göra sånt för jag föddes till att leva MITT liv och inte slava för nån annan! Jag är så jävla trött på det här! På att vara så jävla olycklig, kvittar vart jag är, vad jag gör, vem jag älskar, så är jag så jävla olycklig hela tiden och jag VET att det är pga att jag inte kan passa in i samhället och jag vill inte det heller! Jag tar snart min katt och drar nånstanns där ingen kan hänga mej i röven och tvinga mej till någonting för att tjäna nåt system. Jag bor hellre i skogen och dör i skogen än att dö så som jag har det nu! Jag tror inte du vet hur mycket filmen “Into The Wild” betyder för mej…det är så jag vill göra och jag skiter i om jag skulle dö på kuppen medan jag höll på att bli fri. Jag skulle iaf “die trying” och det är fan så mycket mer eftertraktat än att dö på nåt jävla rehab! Jag vet inte hur jag ska orka…om jag orkar vakna om några timmar och släpa mej till rehab ska jag säga allt det här till dom. Inte för att dom kommer bry sej..alla låtsas bara bry sej om mej så länge jag tar min medecin typ…fy fan!! Jag är så jävla arg inombords att jag vill spy, men istället ligger jag och stortjuter i fosterställning i min soffa och vill krypa ur mitt eget skinn…

Nu är jag med i en till tävling om té och té-tillbehör från bästa butiken www.tefrossa.se! Klicka på bilden för att vara med du också!

Vinter Surprise!

(för mina svenska läsare)

Vinn choklad och té-paket från Tefrossa med denna tävling!

Nu blev jag sugen på varm choklad…

Cat

Nothing more to write. Haven’t been writing poetry for months and months…Tired of my life and my brain fucking everything up as always. Tired of being single for all eternity cause I am who I am. Tired of not being able to be in a room with a man without fucking him. Tired of wanting something different when I can never get out of my own head.
I just want to escape all the time, I don’t want to be in myself, in this skin, in this head.

My cat is the reason I stay alive in this shit of a life.

 

Sinking in tar

I still have this battle in my soul and head; One part of me wants to change, to go through the therapy I will start in late winter, to fight and make it through. Then the other part, which I call my “demon” is thinking:”why bother? I’ll never change.” etc…

So what’s bothering me this time? My social life..my inability to be around boys without sexing them up and wanting their approval. That I’m cool, good and that they want me.
Everything that turns me down in life; a boy, a job, a friend is like throwing acid on a flame of my anxiety and self-hatred.

My thoughts about myself aren’t visible on my body. If it were, I would be so bruised up and sore that people would put me in the hospital, I guess.
But mental illness never works like that…and I haven’t self-harmed for about 1 1/2 year. It’s cause I’m battling in my head a lot now, about how I want out, want to change…but it’s like sinking in tar..

I wish I could just grab a hold of myself. Silence the demon once and for all…
It feels like I’m counting the seconds to when I can start my therapy now, afraid that with every second going by, the demon is slowly winning over me, getting closer and darkening my mind more and more…

I’m starting this “daily activity” now next thursday and I’m longing so much for the days to go by. I sleep most of my days until I can start my therapy or the daily activity, cause I’m afraid every wakening day is a fight that I’m slowly losing when I have to fight on my own.
And yet I know that I AM alone in this. This is MY fight over myself and my demon and I can’t keep running and escaping like I always do, cause it’s always right in my face anyway…it’s like when I stop to catch my breath and look behind me, the demon is gone, but when I look infront of me again: There it is.

I have a plan to stay indoors and become an hermit until next thursday, but I know it won’t help. My plans never helps me. I can’t figure out my life on my own. Left to my own devices, I am destructive.
But I don’t know whatelse to do when I can’t be alone and I can’t be with people…no matter what I do, I’m always feeling like I’m a waste.

This is my weekend.  How’s yours?

Slapped down

Oooh what the hell now? Haven’t felt this bad for quite some time now and yesterday it was like this all too familiar darkness just dawned upon me and today I’ve felt the same… I was out in the city to try to do something instead of sitting indoors with my anxiety, but yeah…that only worked for some hours and now it’s back.
The hopelesness over my life, my total disability to have a lovelife, all my quick-fixes… It’s stupid cause I’m starting a new therapy and what is called “Daily Activity” , like a rehab for mentally ill people who want to have a job or study.
But yeah..I guess I’m still ashamed of my life and of my view of life. I envy everyone I see around me…
Today was the first time in a long time that I wanted to go to the pub and sit there all alone, like some years ago when I practically lived there since I couldn’t be home on my own.
I try to motivate me by telling myself that I do have my cat, to keep me at home. I love her, so I guess it works.
I have a bottle of wine to down tonight though. A small bottle…cause I have to be at a meeting tomorrow.

I can’t bother to do my dishes or to make food and I’ve missed out on a lot of those movie-meetings (like pre-meeting for DBT patients), so I feel like I don’t give a shit, it’s already too late, this is who I will continue to be..

Actually about two days ago I felt this urge to change. To change my ways of living and thinking. To change this depression…
Then anxiety got me again. Like this demon living inside my head, putting me back into place. Like, why bother.

I wish I had a cigarette…and I don’t even smoke.
Weird huh?

Drama boys….

So this weekend I’ve had to deal with two guys and their drama. >.<
First one is/was a close friend to me, but he’s out of the picture now since he is blaming me for how I live MY life and that by living MY life, I am making HIM miserable? Excuse me? I told him to stop bitching and fuck off and that I’m not taking shit from him anymore. I’ve been there for him everytime at 24/7 and just because he developed feelings for me, he blames me?! Bitch, please…! ;p

Second guy is a guy I met for the first time about 3 years ago and we hooked up today and later he calls me and says:”I have bad news..I never told you I have a girlfriend, but I do and now she found out about us” ?! Seriously… I told him to fix it and live however he wants, but I’m not gonna take part in his drama he self stirred up!
He tells me he’ll break up with her and that he still wants to meet me, but if it’s just for the sex, he can go find it somewhere else. I’m done with pleasuring guys just cause their girlfriends can’t!
If he wants to see me cause he cares about me, then okey, but it’s not like I wanna deepen our relationship after this.
Bitch, please…!

On a better note; I won first prize at the Halloween Party yesterday, cause I had the “Best Costume” (I had half-made it myself. Inspired by a Lady Gaga outfit).
So the party was nice, and I’ve slept half of the day cause I’m hungover. Things are like they should be