I had a nightmare about love, about being cheated on, about a guy I’ll never get cause I’m no one special to him etc… and the first thing that came to my mind when I woke up was to start dating seriously again, like when I met my ex bf’s.
But then again I think that maybe I should wait… maybe I won’t be able to have a serious relationship again? My thoughts are going back and forth with this question and I don’t know what I want….
I want intimacy, I want to feel special, I want someone who loves me…. but who can I love? I fall in love with pretty much everything and everybody, so I’m easily hurt.

My ex started writing to me again on msn and facebook and I can’t stop thinking about the relationship we had, if it was a good thing that it ended or if we could have worked on it.

I hate it that I’m so fast with going into relationships. It’s like a plane and I’m throwing myself out without a parachute, just living on the hope that someone will catch me, but then I crashland flat on my stomache anyway.

Alone is not strong.
Everybody’s talking about that you have to love yourself first, you have to fix yourself first, bla bla…but what if it doesn’t work? What if this gnawing, hollow feeling inside of me won’t go away no matter how much I go to shrinks, force myself to fix everyday-things etc?
I’m only 24 – yes, but still alone, so that crap about that I’m still young doesn’t do it for me..

God, I’m so lost. And everyday that passes, everyday that I feel that I have managed to do something good (getting out of my apartment, doing dishes etc.) is still another day alone with the hollow feeling in my chest.
My head’s so full of questions that I don’t dare to ask;

Why did we end it?
Could we have worked on it?
Why don’t you love me?
Why am I not anything special?
Am I doing wrong all the time?
Who will love the whole me, with my flaws?

I still live in the fantasyland Ive had since I was a child. It’s like I think Princes’ really exist. That Heroes really exists. And I’m waiting to be rescued, but He never comes..

I almost smirk at myself for having these pathetic love-problems! It’s problems I didn’t think would be a problem, but obviously they are! Sounds like I’m 14 instead of 24….and maybe I am…

I can never relax and enjoy my life…it’s like I think I will die tomorrow and everyday my body’s filled with wishes and dreams and expectations of life that I have to fullfill before tomorrow comes.
My body’s in the present but my mind is 20 years ahead. I’ve always had it like that, even when I was a child. I couldn’t wait to become an adult, plan my life, future family, future career… cause reality was something I couldn’t deal with. The time ‘right here and right now’ was too painful to deal with and I’m still living like that…

I should bring my laptop to the shrink and show her all of my blog posts……hey that was a good idea! I suck re-telling my thoughts I had the night before or such..

I have to sleep now, hopefully Ive gotten this shit off of my chest so I can sleep.
I’m getting up early to do a demonstration in the city against the cruelty towards racehorses tomorrow

Nighty!

I forced myself up around 10 or something this morning. I had been sleeping two hours or such by then. I had to call the doctor, my job and the social insurance office… the woman at my job I needed to talk to wasn’t there, I didn’t get to talk to my doctor until wednesday and the social insurance office refuse to give me money…
I didn’t go back to sleep, forced myself to stay awake to do laundry and I also cooked food (first time since a long time..) and I’m still awake and it’s 5 in the afternoon…’awake’ might be the wrong word though.. I have my eyes opened anyway…at times… fell asleep 30 minutes ago. I’m sooooo tired!

Jessi wanted me to go to a pub with her tonight to take a beer with some people. I thought it would be a fun thing to do, but I’m just getting more tired each minute that passes, so I have to skip the sociolizing part tonight, sorry Jessi. I’ll make it up for you soon I just really need to sleep… *zzzzzzzzzzz*

I have plans on getting up early tomorrow and go to a store to check out some furniture (just to do something and be up early to keep trying to change my dayrhythm), and I need to buy food… I’m gonna cook some dinner for Juha tomorrow and I don’t know what yet..

My throath is bitching a bit I hope it passes on its own. I can’t afford any medecines and I have no medecines at home..

Must stay awake some more hours so I can sleep all night…. I feel how that’s not gonna happen..

Jessi showed some pics of possible kitties she’s gonna buy. Adorable!! She was gonna buy a tiny kitten by her brothers gf, but the kitty died
Please let me rent this apartment firsthand so that I can get a pet aswell..!

Okey, this isn’t working.. I need to sleep…at least for a little while….. *zzzZ*

First off, I didn’t know if I should write this in swedish or not…decided against it. Mostly cause I think the majority of people I know doesn’t know swedish…

Alright, with that said I’m going straight on the topic; People.
When I think back, think to the past, I see faces and remember names of people that I no longer see. And I can’t help but wondering what happened to them… It’s funny cause, among those lost faces and names are people I swore I never wanted to think about or meet ever again (for reasons I will write about soon). But still I’m curious;

What happened?
How did I affect those people?
Am I a lost face in their past as they are in my?
Do they occasionally think about me in this way?

1. Marcus Ljunggren.
Was it two years ago or was it one year ago? All I can remember is the great sex we had when his ’sambo’ wasn’t around and how excited I was that he was 10 years older than me and was in a band. He hurt me like no other guy has ever hurt me before though. And that’s the reason why he’s still lingering on in my brain; I have trouble letting go of people that hurt me. He was complicated. I still see his face on the internet from times to times and see the adds for where his band will play next… I’m terrified of bumping into him randomly on a pub or in the city (though I don’t think that risk is big since he’s always too busy with his band). But he’s out there. And I keep wondering if he remembers me with hatred or something better or if he remembers me at all, if he kept the poems I wrote…

2. Ida Gustavsson
I keep having dreams about her. Which is weird, I guess. She was my number one enemy. We went to basic school and highschool together and she also hurt me like no friend ever hurt me before. We did have one interest in common though and that made me have the will to keep in contact with her. It was like we shared this secret together in school, that I still can’t let go off. She was so innocent at times, I had the upper hand on her, until she totally flipped me over. I think she had a mental illness and I still wonder what happened to her and if she ever would agree meeting me again. I don’t have her number or know nothing about her whereabouts today..

3. ‘my dark friend’
God, I can’t remember her name… we were email-friends about five or six years ago or something.. We started chatting on a forum and got along well and suddenly we emailed eachothers almost twice a day! She had a mental illness (schizofrenia) and she wrote a lot of personal things to me in emails. We shared our experiences, illnesses, view of life, humour… we became very good friends. Then one day I didn’t get a reply from her. The days went by and up til this day I haven’t heard of her. My fear is that she committed suicide, cause she was talking about it a lot and I was the one telling her to keep holding on and to not commit suicide. That she was stronger than she thought. I keep wondering if I failed…Did she go back to the mental hospital she once was in? Or did she actually take her life? I keep wondering up til this day… if you’re out there, please contact me again? (chance is small, I know..)

I know people that I know today, that I think will be on this list maybe within a year…sadly…but true. I’m not good with having a big circle of friends and contacts around me. I either hold on or let go (with great difficulties). It’s easier now with msn and facebook of course. You have people there but you rarely talk to them as much as you used to :p So in a way you still have them there… I know I want to have Marcus there just to ask him what happened that time when he forcefully pushed me backwards away from him and left me there in the cold..
I’m curious. I want to know! ”Don’t go digging in the past” – yeah yeah, I know… but I can’t help but wondering.. Where did you all go? Why did we leave eachother?

But I also keep wondering what people I will meet now today, in the future.. and about the people I know now or recently got to know…who will still be with me when I grow old? Who will I still grab lunch with? Who will I still tell my secrets to? Will I get closer to some? Will we grow apart in a second?
I’m so curious!
Time will tell of course

Here’s a list of people I know now that I keep wondering these things about:

1. Juha Niskanen
We’ve only known eachothers for two-three months, yet it feels like longer time. At times I want to just let go and ignore him, but at the same time I don’t want to. He’s too interesting and there are things I wanna know, explore… he knows I’m in a bad place in life now and maybe I let it out on him, but it’s not my intention. Will he be one of those that will top the first list I wrote in sometime? I hope not..

2. Erik Jögimar
We’ve known eachother for some years now, from when I had a LiveJournal. I think our friendship is really stable though, I don’t see us drifting apart for a long time, but of course…I wonder what would happen…

3. Henrik Svensson
Most of the times I don’t know what we are doing! He’s a funny and great friend though, but I do wonder how long it’ll last… would we still keep in contact even if I/he move?

4. Veronica Sundh, Therese Larsson, Josefine Stubner, Michaela Lundberg, Emma-Jane Nilsson
Met these crazy girls through the same interest in music. Sadly we don’t meet up that often anymore and most of these girls are only people I party with. I do wonder who I will lose contact with first…. I sound very negative but it’s not that! I just wonder… they’ve enriched my life and my partylife a lot ;D

 

There are a lot of other people whom I feel I’ve lost more and more contact with during the months/years. We just talk sporadically now, which is a shame, but I don’t put them on the list yet, cause they’re many :p And as I said, now with internet and facebook and all, I get different kind of friends and contacts.

People are fascinating. Some more than others

Am I on some of your lists?

I’m not gonna write about my mistakes and what I did not managed to do.

It’s harder than it sounds; To climb out of a dark hole and turn away from the cirlce. To change.

At least I managed to do one thing today; Re-furnish the apartment Now my bed is where my couch was and vice versa (I don’t have a big apartment, so it’s not much I can re-furnish, haha). I’m satisfied, but I need shelves.
And look, I don’t care if I don’t get the apartment after all (waiting for the landlord to make her decision…). But I need to act like I will get it, so I’m gonna buy some shelves and new stuff. It makes me happy to decorate and furnish my place.

I decided today that I will go to work next week. I have to try it out. I will call my work and my doctor tomorrow. I might not start on monday, but sometime during next week anyway. I have to force myself out of this.

Plan 1: Call important phonecalls and do my laundry (friday)
Plan 2: Go to homefurnishing-shops to check out shelves and some other things (saturday)
(Juha was gonna come over sometime during the weekend aswell, I just don’t know what day)
Plan 3: Mentally prepare myself to go back to work (everyday) …

Oh and…I’m not ignoring or putting up a wall between me and my friends/loved ones. I just need to get a control back and realize that I need to make the contact when I feel like it. I don’t HAVE to be taking on other friends problems, I don’t HAVE to sit infront of the computer day in and day out, cause my friends will be there anyway for me (the REAL friends) once I decide to go online.
I just have to take the focus back on MYSELF and not on my friends lives and such.

So it doesn’t mean that I don’t enjoy talking to you or anything, but I might not always answer the phone, be on msn etc. I have to decide for myself when I feel good enough to have a talk with friends and family. And of course if they don’t wanna talk to me, then I don’t force anyone to talk to me just cause I happen to be online, but I hope you all understand my idea. The main-thing here is that I have to start taking care of myself and put the focus back on myself and not on anybody one else.

So I will probably still post here on my blog, cause I can’t live without writing, wether it’s poetry or just other things. It’s one of my self-helping things that has always been there for me and making me feel sane; to be able to write.

Thanks all of you who still reads my blog and comments on it I appreciate it

My friends are starting to not being able to hide their irritation towards me. And I definately do not blame them.
I know what I’ve become.

My Day-rhythm:

I am awake from six in the evening til seven in the morning. I sleep a bit during those hours, but mostly I sleep from seven in the morning til four in the afternoon… the little time I am awake I spend on the internet to keep me awake at all.

My self-esteem:

I’ve stopped looking at myself in the bathroom mirror, constantly preparing myself to do so. I tell myself I’m worthless cause I can’t even get out of the apartment to get the mail. I just don’t want to be consciouss, forcing myself to sleep away my thoughts of selfharming or possible ways to end this.

My thoughts:

I feel like a shell. Thoughts are like all colors mixing together trying to get their own colors to glow brighter than the others. Black is the main color. It’s like clouds are building up inside of my head…it’s almost like I can feel my eyes turning into a darker shade..
I get comfortable living like this. The thoughts of going back to work, of doing anything good, like doing the dishes or whatever freaks the hell out of me.
I’m scared of happiness or the feeling of something good.

Conclusion:
If  I wasn’t scared of everything, including death (cause I don’t know if the afterlife will be better, if it’s not then it was just a waste..), I would probably have ended this…
But I got another idea…and I really don’t know if it’s a good one or not…
I’m planning on dis-connect with everybody except for myself. I will force myself to be with myself and only myself. Cause that’s the person I hate. I will force myself to battle myself and not run away from myself.
But to be able to do this, I will have to drop everything around me that I can escape to. That means; no connection with the internet-world, no connection with friends or family. I will have to shut everything out and step into the ring on my own, to get ahold of myself and force myself towards the things I escape from. No one would be able to reach me during this time, not until I reach out to them and hoping that they are still there for me…

I have to survive. I don’t know why. I really don’t know why…but I call it my instinct. I have to change my way of thinking and I don’t know how long this is gonna take.
I have to force myself not to lean on anybody else but myself. That I can trust in myself and that I can make myself better. No one else can. I will do it the hard way without escaping. Cause I always do things the difficult way, now it’s time to be putting that pressure on myself.

Why?

Cause I don’t want to have someone I love finding me after days or weeks, laying on the floor in my apartment in my own blood or with empty medecine boxes around me.

There’s a reason why I didn’t die when I got born to this life.
I don’t know what that reason was, but I’m sure it wasn’t so that I could kill myself later, just because I feel misplaced.

I’m gonna tame these demons in my head now.

I’ll be back…hopefully… some day.
Until then, could you all have patience and wish me luck?

Nothing’s worth it…
Nothing’s worth hoping for.
Nothing’s worth having hopes for..

I hate myself too much

I have to get into that cycle again, that I thought I had come out of and could manage without. I can’t function if I don’t numb myself. I can’t do this… I’m crumbling to pieces again…like two years ago..like last time… it never stops.

Acceptance.

Okey, here’s the deal:

I’ve fallen for this fallen angel, like BAM!
And it’s the same shit over and over again
I fall for the darkness, the pain, the misery, the pleasure they feed me
I fall for the fascination, the hidden things, the walls, the things I yet can’t see
I fall for the beautiful written words, I fall for the mind
I fall for him cause I pretend that he knows my mind

And yet I’m so far away from him
Perfect, it feeds my pain
I want to help so much, I’m willing to sacrifice myself
over and over again
Just like for all these wonderful boys I’ve met before
The drugaddicts, the suicidal ones, the tortured ones

I am so fed up with psychologists
I’m so fed up trying to live a happy life
when it’s obvious it does not work for me!

I keep looking for someone who knows how it feels
to have your head spinning, have to drag yourself away from the pain
someone who knows how it is to be stuck
and I think I find them, but my bad luck

I don’t want to help myself on my own anymore
but they push me away in the end anyway

I stopped a panic attack in the couch last night
I felt how my breathing just caught in my throath
I took a breath, it got caught
I took another breath, it didn’t work
I had to go the bathroom and look at myself in the mirror
and tell myself that, I will not scare him away, like I scare the others away
and I was fine
and I could go back to sleep
I could breathe

You don’t know how much you help me
I just wish that you dared to see

I’m hitting you on the spots you don’t want me to hit you on
You’re perfectly flawed, perfectly incomplete
cracks in the glass

I want you, cause we’re running from the same thing
Escapism, sweet escapism

All the other ones I fuck don’t mean a thing
All the other ones you play around with, I can deal with

I’m a shell
I pretend
But not with you
So stop pretending with me..

***************************************************************

Helvete vad jag blir så jävla trött på allt!
Varför måste det vara fjärilar i magen?
Varför måste man smälta?
Varför måste man älska?
Jag vet ju aldrig när jag gör det ändå!
Fast med dej tror jag att jag vet…
Jag tar den käftsmällen som kommer efter du läst det här
Bara jag säger det…
Men jag kan inte…
Rädslan stoppar mej igen…
Jag vet hur det går; Jag yttrar mej, dom backar, dom knuffar bort mej, dom hittar någon annan
Livet är ju så jävla enkelt!
Jag
Orkar
Inte
Längre

Jag räddar alla andra
Men ingen räddar mej
Känns som jag står här på stolen med repet om halsen
och undrar om någon skulle komma och lyfta upp min kropp,
hindra mej från att försvinna, när jag sparkar undan stolen

Came back from my parents place yesterday. The winter shook me coldly by its hand and filled my breath with a cold wind when I stepped out on Stockholms street. And I longed to get away… I do not like winter or cold weather…
I took a beer with a friend at the pub across from my apartment, and I talked about all the shit that is going on in my life… as always…
I’m tired of my own voice.

This morning I was gonna go to the shrink but she was ill so I had to go home again, thinking I didnt even have to get out of bed if they would’ve had my phonenumber to call me! But oh well… now they do.

I got to know on friday that the landlord and the girl I rent the apartment from had inspected the apartment and that there was a chance that I would be able to rent the apartment first hand! I got really happy!
I tried to call the landlord today but she didn’t answer. Then some hours later she returned my call. At first she yelled at me for living second hand, that it was illegal and bla bla, but I managed to calm her down and she took some of my personal information and she said that before she could give the apartment over to me, she had to check me up. I was really happy that she didn’t just fucked me over cause of the whole second hand contract deal, but she was willing to give me first hand contract So now I’m waiting for her to call back someday and give me a definite answer. And I’m hoping so much it’ll be a Yes ;D

I’m starting to chicken out about fixing my tattoo on wednesday… I’m terrified that something will go wrong again I know I will hate myself if something bad happens again, but I’ll also hate myself if I don’t try to finish it! :p

Gonna go to Juha and his friends place tonight to watch some movies The good thing is: It’ll be really nice to see Juha. The bad thing is: I have to go outdoors in the weather from hell :p

Well, all in all I had a pretty nice time in Motala at my parents place. It’s nice to be with them… As long as we don’t talk about my lovelife, my moneyissues, my future, my life in general…yeah you get it :p
Mom gets so emotional when she drinks alcohol… I definately know why I’m fucked up… I’ve got finnish blood… *sigh*

Bye for now

It’s like you’re a drug
It’s like you’re a demon I can’t face down
It’s like I’m stuck
It’s like I’m running from you all the time
And I know I let you have all the power
It’s like the only company I seek is misery all around
It’s like you’re a leech
Sucking the life from me
It’s like I can’t breathe
Without you inside of me
And I know I let you have all the power
And I realize I’m never gonna quit you over time

It’s like I’m lost
It’s like I’m giving up slowly
It’s like you’re a ghost that’s haunting me
Leave me alone
And I know these voices in my head
Are mine alone
And I know I’ll never change my ways
If I don’t give you up now

I’m hooked on you
I need a fix
I can’t take it
Just one more hit
I promise I can deal with it
I’ll handle it, quit it
Just one more time
Then that’s it
Just a little bit more to get me through this
I’m hooked on you
I need a fix
I can’t take it
Just one more hit
I promise I can deal with it
I’ll handle it, quit it
Just one more time
Then that’s it
Just a little bit more to get me through this

***********************************************************

What’s it been, over a decade?
It still smarts like it was four minutes ago
We only influenced each other totally
We only bruised each other even more so

What are you; my blood?
You touch me like you are my blood
What are you; my dad?
You affect me like you are my dad

How long can a girl be shackled to you
How long before my dignity is reclaimed
How long can a girl stay haunted by you
Soon I’ll grow up and I won’t even flinch at your name
Soon I’ll grow up and I won’t even flinch at your name

Where’ve you been? I heard you moved to my city
My brother saw you somewhere downtown
I’d be paralyzed if I ran into you
My tongue would seize up if we were to meet again

What are you; my god?
You touch me like you are my god
What are you; my twin?
You affect me like you are my twin

How long can a girl be tortured by you?
How long before my dignity is reclaimed
And how long can a girl be haunted by you
Soon I’ll grow up and I won’t even flinch at your name
Soon I’ll grow up and I won’t even flinch at your name

So here I am one room away from where I know you’re standing
A well-intentioned man told me you just walked in
This man knows not of how this information has affected me
But he knows the colour of the car I just drove away in

What are you; my kin?
You touch me like you are my kin
What are you; my air?
You affect me like you are my air

How long can a girl be tortured by you?
How long before my dignity is reclaimed
And how long can a girl be haunted by you
Soon I’ll grow up and I won’t even flinch at your name
Soon I’ll grow up and I won’t even flinch at your name

I’m at my parents place this weekend.
Today I met up with Erik, sadly I can’t get the photos we took to work… grr!
Then later I went out to a pub with my sister and her friend. The first time me and my sis ever went out together!
I met some of my old classmates and some other people from the past.

But something was missing. Something’s always missing in me.
I felt like a shell.
I wanted to get wasted. I wanted to feel exactly as good as I looked when I danced along to the discomusic. I tried to get lost in the music, the beat, since I couldnt get lost in the alcohol. I tried to smile and dance and go crazy with my sis. I did. But not on the inside.
I wanted the boys to see me yet not see me. I saw some of them staring. Wanting my body. Only one got close. But I wasn’t interested in him. Some were very pretty. I wanted them to see me and take me home, like it used to be! I wanted to get more and more booze, I wanted to dissappear and to numb away.
I don’t know how I can go on doing like I am doing now… I can’t numb my feelings as I want to. Cause then I have to go back living like I used to and forget by using escapism.

Escapism is the title for my poetry book. The one I never have motivation to finish. Maybe cause my life isn’t finished yet?

My thoughts were spinning so much last night, I didnt fall asleep until 8.30 this morning. I’m afraid it’ll be the same tonight…

I carry grief in my heart.
I’m missing something…. I’m missing someone…

I’m stupid. Stupid, Stupid, Stupid for falling and start to feel. I hate this so much, I want it all to disappear. The only way I know how to numb myself is the way I’ve tried so hard not to go back to… but I don’t know how much I can fight this anymore.. I’m on the verge so much every fucking day and I can’t pretend anymore. I was pretending so much tonight…
I’m afraid that I will snap soon. Not tonight. Not tomorrow. Cause I have to pretend until sunday evening when I’m back in my apartment and maybe then my hell will break loose.

No one can save me.
Absolutely not myself.

I keep thinking ‘at least I was doing something today. At least I’m doing things’. But it’s like it’s not me doing those things. It’s my shell. The only time I’m really in my body is when I feel those fucking feelings that I shouldn’t feel!
And writing here doesn’t work. Telling it verbally doesn’t work. It’s in my head again. Like with Markus… it’s been two years now I think…and I’m still afraid I will see him in the city or out in pubs. I can’t believe how much I get hurt by being stupid with people… and I’m being stupid again…and again…and again… cause they’re always there; My saviours who turn out to be something else in the end, but whom I’ll keep seeing as saviours.

It keeps pulling me back… just like that poem I wrote a year ago. About the devil on my shoulder whispering things in my ear…he’s back…and I’m listening again…and I don’t know if I have enough in me to care anymore…