Going to the psychologist tomorrow. I’m bad at knowing what to say when I’m meeting shrinks, so tonight I have a piece of paper I’m writing down anything tedious or bad that pops into my head, so that I can fill her (the shrink) in with what is going on in my brain everyday…it’s hard for me to trust doctors and shrinks, but I really try to make them understand..
Since I slept til 3 this afternoon, I’m staying up all night. No reason to sleep when I have to get up at 8 tomorrow morning anyway…bleh..
I really, really hope that tomorrow will be some kind of kick-start and really help me out. I know what I want to talk about and I’m trying to make it as detailed as possible… I’m scared that this time it won’t help me either… it’s my sixth (or seventh) psychologist I meet in six years…so go figure my concern :-/

I also have to do laundry tomorrow and I will force myself to stay awake all day tomorrow, hoping to fall asleep before midnight and get up fairly early on saturday morning to start changing my day and night rythms..

Today when I woke up I went to East Street Tattoo studio and finally decided to have someone look at the tattoo on my back (the one that I got eczema on when I had it done a year ago) and…*drumroll*… now on the 26th I have an appointment with a tattoo artist who will try to finish the tattoo It as taken me a year to get over most of the fear of starting on it again, but now I feel that both me and the artist knows about the risks and what I’ve gone through before, so this time I feel more confident I’m excited and a bit frightened still, but I know how to prepare myself better this time, starting tonight and tomorrow with getting my day and night rythms back so I can sleep better (hopefully, I will ask the shrink for sleeping pills aswell), and by getting my sleep patterns back on track I will also change my eating habits. It sounds really easy doesnt it? It isn’t…oh well… at least I have a motivation now I’ve lacked motivation to do anything for a long time now.. but the 26th is something to work for
Speaking of work, I will call my job tomorrow, depending on what happens at the shrink..

I want to get back up on my feet again, please….. please… I know that I will get beaten down soon again, but I can’t stand being down this long.. my mind starts playing more tricks on me
I have nightmares basically every morning (yeah since I dont sleep at night)… two nights ago I woke up crying and this morning I woke up scared… bleh… I’m really fucked up..

But tonight I have my energy drinks and my homemade apple/cinnamon muffins to keep me company I love to make muffins, so it’s somewhat of a light for me that I actually have motivation to make muffins I hope they taste good! I haven’t tried this recipe before…

And I’m someones girlfriend. At least when none of us are thinking deeply about it :p But I like that… I like that very much… I don’t want to think deep things when it comes to relationships anymore.. as long as it feels good now, I want to stay the Little Spoon in his arms, eventhough there’s a risk I’ll be rejected when he finds a better little spoon. At least I’m the little spoon for now. And it’s very comforting.

Now it’s time to munch muffins