When will I have the courage to break free?
I have no home. I’ve had one home in my life and that was when I lived with my parents. I’ve moved six times during a two year period and everytime I’ve think that I can’t deal with it, somehow I still have. And I’ve been okey with not having a home. I’ve been okey with having other people decide when it’s time for me to move. I’ve been okey. But I’m not sure I am okey anymore.
Where is my home? I don’t have one. I have a roof above my head as shelter and a place to have my things (which isn’t really true either since half of my things are at my parents place still and not with me).
But the most annyoing thing are the people close to me who lack total faith in me. The people I’ve considered closest to me are always the ones holding me back. They clip my wings to prevent me from flying. I start to think that it’s their egoistic way of keeping me close to them, to keep me within reach, to keep me in place so they know where they have me. It’s disguised behind the word CARE. They CARE. I love to be cared about. But not like this.
If I could break free and not care, that is my goal. I want to run free, I want to try things out, I want to try it myself and having people backing me up, encouraging me! But that’s too much to ask for.
I have one friend, my dear Jessi, who has always encouraged me to jump, to take the chances/risks. She was the only one really encouraing me to move to London in year 2005, when everybody else CARED too much and wanted desperately to keep me with them with words like ”it’s too dangerous, how will you manage? how will you afford it? where will you live?”
Putting doubt in my head.
Jessi is also the only one encouraging me and helping me looking for my own place to live now, since I found out I have to move again. Nobody else encourages me to even look for an apartment to buy. And I have this question to ask them:
Do You Think I’m That Stupid Or That Incapable Of Living My Life?
It seems like people think that I’m stupid, that I don’t think about consequences. Just because I dare to fly doesn’t mean I don’t know that I might get sucked into a planes propeller or a jet-motor at any time!
But if I never fly, how will I learn?
Mom? Dad? Friends? Tell me how I evolve, how I grow by not learning by my mistakes or by not learning by my chances?
Just Because I Plan Big Doesn’t Mean I Don’t Know About The Consequences That Might Be!
Can’t you see I feel fucked up as it is? As my life is? I need change! If you make me stay, if you keep me down, if you lure me back, I swear to God I will die!
I can’t do this anymore….
Tonight I’m gonna take all the things I own in this apartment and throw away all things that I’m fed up with moving around with. I can’t do this anymore with all my things.
One day I will buy my own apartment, no matter what anyone says. Cause I’m not that stupid that I don’t know the consequences and the rules!
I’m fed up with people telling me what I shouldnt do with my life! What do they know?
What do you know about my life?!
I’m the only one who can fix myself and my depression and I’m the only one who’s stuck, and I’m sorry but you don’t help me! You can’t help me! You don’t know how it is living like I do, you can’t know when you never have had to pack your things and go just because someone else tells you to! You’ve lived all your life secured and I don’t blame you because it was your choice! But please understand that I do my choices and I was okey with living like this for years, but now I’m not, so please don’t make it sound like I’m stupid cause I try to live. This is the best I can do right now. This is my choice and if you do not support it, then please don’t say anything.
I Can’t Deal With Your Negativity Towards My Way Of Living, Not Anymore
I’m tired of telling that I’m sorry for myself.
I know the ‘good’ things I had and what I’ve left, but my heart keeps me searching on and on for something and I don’t know what it is yet, but I have to follow it, do you understand?
I don’t belong here, that’s already prooven over and over again, but let me try to make the best out of it, my own way.
I have no home. Do you understand the feeling of having just a place to dump your things but to speak of it as your ‘home’ makes you feel sick? Until you have been through what I’ve been through, you DO NOT tell me that I make wrong decisions.
Don’t you see that you make me feel stupid and have the feeling that whenever I make a mistake, you will be there saying ‘I told you so’?
You’re just waiting for me to make mistakes!
I feel like just throwing away almost everything I own, take a backpack and just get the hell away, go somewhere. Moving to London again. Live life. Just take chances. And then I would see who’d still stand by my side.
Don’t misunderstand. I love you mom, dad, friends. But you hurt me so bad! And it’s always the people you love the most that hurts you the most.
I’ve listened to you so many times, when you’ve told me how not to live my life, what not to do. I’ve heard you doubt my intelligence so many times and I can’t do that anymore…
The alienated ragdoll packs her bags again…
