It’s like you’re a drug
It’s like you’re a demon I can’t face down
It’s like I’m stuck
It’s like I’m running from you all the time
And I know I let you have all the power
It’s like the only company I seek is misery all around
It’s like you’re a leech
Sucking the life from me
It’s like I can’t breathe
Without you inside of me
And I know I let you have all the power
And I realize I’m never gonna quit you over time

It’s like I’m lost
It’s like I’m giving up slowly
It’s like you’re a ghost that’s haunting me
Leave me alone
And I know these voices in my head
Are mine alone
And I know I’ll never change my ways
If I don’t give you up now

I’m hooked on you
I need a fix
I can’t take it
Just one more hit
I promise I can deal with it
I’ll handle it, quit it
Just one more time
Then that’s it
Just a little bit more to get me through this
I’m hooked on you
I need a fix
I can’t take it
Just one more hit
I promise I can deal with it
I’ll handle it, quit it
Just one more time
Then that’s it
Just a little bit more to get me through this

***********************************************************

What’s it been, over a decade?
It still smarts like it was four minutes ago
We only influenced each other totally
We only bruised each other even more so

What are you; my blood?
You touch me like you are my blood
What are you; my dad?
You affect me like you are my dad

How long can a girl be shackled to you
How long before my dignity is reclaimed
How long can a girl stay haunted by you
Soon I’ll grow up and I won’t even flinch at your name
Soon I’ll grow up and I won’t even flinch at your name

Where’ve you been? I heard you moved to my city
My brother saw you somewhere downtown
I’d be paralyzed if I ran into you
My tongue would seize up if we were to meet again

What are you; my god?
You touch me like you are my god
What are you; my twin?
You affect me like you are my twin

How long can a girl be tortured by you?
How long before my dignity is reclaimed
And how long can a girl be haunted by you
Soon I’ll grow up and I won’t even flinch at your name
Soon I’ll grow up and I won’t even flinch at your name

So here I am one room away from where I know you’re standing
A well-intentioned man told me you just walked in
This man knows not of how this information has affected me
But he knows the colour of the car I just drove away in

What are you; my kin?
You touch me like you are my kin
What are you; my air?
You affect me like you are my air

How long can a girl be tortured by you?
How long before my dignity is reclaimed
And how long can a girl be haunted by you
Soon I’ll grow up and I won’t even flinch at your name
Soon I’ll grow up and I won’t even flinch at your name

I’m at my parents place this weekend.
Today I met up with Erik, sadly I can’t get the photos we took to work… grr!
Then later I went out to a pub with my sister and her friend. The first time me and my sis ever went out together!
I met some of my old classmates and some other people from the past.

But something was missing. Something’s always missing in me.
I felt like a shell.
I wanted to get wasted. I wanted to feel exactly as good as I looked when I danced along to the discomusic. I tried to get lost in the music, the beat, since I couldnt get lost in the alcohol. I tried to smile and dance and go crazy with my sis. I did. But not on the inside.
I wanted the boys to see me yet not see me. I saw some of them staring. Wanting my body. Only one got close. But I wasn’t interested in him. Some were very pretty. I wanted them to see me and take me home, like it used to be! I wanted to get more and more booze, I wanted to dissappear and to numb away.
I don’t know how I can go on doing like I am doing now… I can’t numb my feelings as I want to. Cause then I have to go back living like I used to and forget by using escapism.

Escapism is the title for my poetry book. The one I never have motivation to finish. Maybe cause my life isn’t finished yet?

My thoughts were spinning so much last night, I didnt fall asleep until 8.30 this morning. I’m afraid it’ll be the same tonight…

I carry grief in my heart.
I’m missing something…. I’m missing someone…

I’m stupid. Stupid, Stupid, Stupid for falling and start to feel. I hate this so much, I want it all to disappear. The only way I know how to numb myself is the way I’ve tried so hard not to go back to… but I don’t know how much I can fight this anymore.. I’m on the verge so much every fucking day and I can’t pretend anymore. I was pretending so much tonight…
I’m afraid that I will snap soon. Not tonight. Not tomorrow. Cause I have to pretend until sunday evening when I’m back in my apartment and maybe then my hell will break loose.

No one can save me.
Absolutely not myself.

I keep thinking ‘at least I was doing something today. At least I’m doing things’. But it’s like it’s not me doing those things. It’s my shell. The only time I’m really in my body is when I feel those fucking feelings that I shouldn’t feel!
And writing here doesn’t work. Telling it verbally doesn’t work. It’s in my head again. Like with Markus… it’s been two years now I think…and I’m still afraid I will see him in the city or out in pubs. I can’t believe how much I get hurt by being stupid with people… and I’m being stupid again…and again…and again… cause they’re always there; My saviours who turn out to be something else in the end, but whom I’ll keep seeing as saviours.

It keeps pulling me back… just like that poem I wrote a year ago. About the devil on my shoulder whispering things in my ear…he’s back…and I’m listening again…and I don’t know if I have enough in me to care anymore…