Nothing’s worth it…
Nothing’s worth hoping for.
Nothing’s worth having hopes for..

I hate myself too much

I have to get into that cycle again, that I thought I had come out of and could manage without. I can’t function if I don’t numb myself. I can’t do this… I’m crumbling to pieces again…like two years ago..like last time… it never stops.

Acceptance.

Okey, here’s the deal:

I’ve fallen for this fallen angel, like BAM!
And it’s the same shit over and over again
I fall for the darkness, the pain, the misery, the pleasure they feed me
I fall for the fascination, the hidden things, the walls, the things I yet can’t see
I fall for the beautiful written words, I fall for the mind
I fall for him cause I pretend that he knows my mind

And yet I’m so far away from him
Perfect, it feeds my pain
I want to help so much, I’m willing to sacrifice myself
over and over again
Just like for all these wonderful boys I’ve met before
The drugaddicts, the suicidal ones, the tortured ones

I am so fed up with psychologists
I’m so fed up trying to live a happy life
when it’s obvious it does not work for me!

I keep looking for someone who knows how it feels
to have your head spinning, have to drag yourself away from the pain
someone who knows how it is to be stuck
and I think I find them, but my bad luck

I don’t want to help myself on my own anymore
but they push me away in the end anyway

I stopped a panic attack in the couch last night
I felt how my breathing just caught in my throath
I took a breath, it got caught
I took another breath, it didn’t work
I had to go the bathroom and look at myself in the mirror
and tell myself that, I will not scare him away, like I scare the others away
and I was fine
and I could go back to sleep
I could breathe

You don’t know how much you help me
I just wish that you dared to see

I’m hitting you on the spots you don’t want me to hit you on
You’re perfectly flawed, perfectly incomplete
cracks in the glass

I want you, cause we’re running from the same thing
Escapism, sweet escapism

All the other ones I fuck don’t mean a thing
All the other ones you play around with, I can deal with

I’m a shell
I pretend
But not with you
So stop pretending with me..

***************************************************************

Helvete vad jag blir så jävla trött på allt!
Varför måste det vara fjärilar i magen?
Varför måste man smälta?
Varför måste man älska?
Jag vet ju aldrig när jag gör det ändå!
Fast med dej tror jag att jag vet…
Jag tar den käftsmällen som kommer efter du läst det här
Bara jag säger det…
Men jag kan inte…
Rädslan stoppar mej igen…
Jag vet hur det går; Jag yttrar mej, dom backar, dom knuffar bort mej, dom hittar någon annan
Livet är ju så jävla enkelt!
Jag
Orkar
Inte
Längre

Jag räddar alla andra
Men ingen räddar mej
Känns som jag står här på stolen med repet om halsen
och undrar om någon skulle komma och lyfta upp min kropp,
hindra mej från att försvinna, när jag sparkar undan stolen