My friends are starting to not being able to hide their irritation towards me. And I definately do not blame them.
I know what I’ve become.

My Day-rhythm:

I am awake from six in the evening til seven in the morning. I sleep a bit during those hours, but mostly I sleep from seven in the morning til four in the afternoon… the little time I am awake I spend on the internet to keep me awake at all.

My self-esteem:

I’ve stopped looking at myself in the bathroom mirror, constantly preparing myself to do so. I tell myself I’m worthless cause I can’t even get out of the apartment to get the mail. I just don’t want to be consciouss, forcing myself to sleep away my thoughts of selfharming or possible ways to end this.

My thoughts:

I feel like a shell. Thoughts are like all colors mixing together trying to get their own colors to glow brighter than the others. Black is the main color. It’s like clouds are building up inside of my head…it’s almost like I can feel my eyes turning into a darker shade..
I get comfortable living like this. The thoughts of going back to work, of doing anything good, like doing the dishes or whatever freaks the hell out of me.
I’m scared of happiness or the feeling of something good.

Conclusion:
If  I wasn’t scared of everything, including death (cause I don’t know if the afterlife will be better, if it’s not then it was just a waste..), I would probably have ended this…
But I got another idea…and I really don’t know if it’s a good one or not…
I’m planning on dis-connect with everybody except for myself. I will force myself to be with myself and only myself. Cause that’s the person I hate. I will force myself to battle myself and not run away from myself.
But to be able to do this, I will have to drop everything around me that I can escape to. That means; no connection with the internet-world, no connection with friends or family. I will have to shut everything out and step into the ring on my own, to get ahold of myself and force myself towards the things I escape from. No one would be able to reach me during this time, not until I reach out to them and hoping that they are still there for me…

I have to survive. I don’t know why. I really don’t know why…but I call it my instinct. I have to change my way of thinking and I don’t know how long this is gonna take.
I have to force myself not to lean on anybody else but myself. That I can trust in myself and that I can make myself better. No one else can. I will do it the hard way without escaping. Cause I always do things the difficult way, now it’s time to be putting that pressure on myself.

Why?

Cause I don’t want to have someone I love finding me after days or weeks, laying on the floor in my apartment in my own blood or with empty medecine boxes around me.

There’s a reason why I didn’t die when I got born to this life.
I don’t know what that reason was, but I’m sure it wasn’t so that I could kill myself later, just because I feel misplaced.

I’m gonna tame these demons in my head now.

I’ll be back…hopefully… some day.
Until then, could you all have patience and wish me luck?