I’m not gonna write about my mistakes and what I did not managed to do.

It’s harder than it sounds; To climb out of a dark hole and turn away from the cirlce. To change.

At least I managed to do one thing today; Re-furnish the apartment Now my bed is where my couch was and vice versa (I don’t have a big apartment, so it’s not much I can re-furnish, haha). I’m satisfied, but I need shelves.
And look, I don’t care if I don’t get the apartment after all (waiting for the landlord to make her decision…). But I need to act like I will get it, so I’m gonna buy some shelves and new stuff. It makes me happy to decorate and furnish my place.

I decided today that I will go to work next week. I have to try it out. I will call my work and my doctor tomorrow. I might not start on monday, but sometime during next week anyway. I have to force myself out of this.

Plan 1: Call important phonecalls and do my laundry (friday)
Plan 2: Go to homefurnishing-shops to check out shelves and some other things (saturday)
(Juha was gonna come over sometime during the weekend aswell, I just don’t know what day)
Plan 3: Mentally prepare myself to go back to work (everyday) …

Oh and…I’m not ignoring or putting up a wall between me and my friends/loved ones. I just need to get a control back and realize that I need to make the contact when I feel like it. I don’t HAVE to be taking on other friends problems, I don’t HAVE to sit infront of the computer day in and day out, cause my friends will be there anyway for me (the REAL friends) once I decide to go online.
I just have to take the focus back on MYSELF and not on my friends lives and such.

So it doesn’t mean that I don’t enjoy talking to you or anything, but I might not always answer the phone, be on msn etc. I have to decide for myself when I feel good enough to have a talk with friends and family. And of course if they don’t wanna talk to me, then I don’t force anyone to talk to me just cause I happen to be online, but I hope you all understand my idea. The main-thing here is that I have to start taking care of myself and put the focus back on myself and not on anybody one else.

So I will probably still post here on my blog, cause I can’t live without writing, wether it’s poetry or just other things. It’s one of my self-helping things that has always been there for me and making me feel sane; to be able to write.

Thanks all of you who still reads my blog and comments on it I appreciate it