First off, I didn’t know if I should write this in swedish or not…decided against it. Mostly cause I think the majority of people I know doesn’t know swedish…

Alright, with that said I’m going straight on the topic; People.
When I think back, think to the past, I see faces and remember names of people that I no longer see. And I can’t help but wondering what happened to them… It’s funny cause, among those lost faces and names are people I swore I never wanted to think about or meet ever again (for reasons I will write about soon). But still I’m curious;

What happened?
How did I affect those people?
Am I a lost face in their past as they are in my?
Do they occasionally think about me in this way?

1. Marcus Ljunggren.
Was it two years ago or was it one year ago? All I can remember is the great sex we had when his ’sambo’ wasn’t around and how excited I was that he was 10 years older than me and was in a band. He hurt me like no other guy has ever hurt me before though. And that’s the reason why he’s still lingering on in my brain; I have trouble letting go of people that hurt me. He was complicated. I still see his face on the internet from times to times and see the adds for where his band will play next… I’m terrified of bumping into him randomly on a pub or in the city (though I don’t think that risk is big since he’s always too busy with his band). But he’s out there. And I keep wondering if he remembers me with hatred or something better or if he remembers me at all, if he kept the poems I wrote…

2. Ida Gustavsson
I keep having dreams about her. Which is weird, I guess. She was my number one enemy. We went to basic school and highschool together and she also hurt me like no friend ever hurt me before. We did have one interest in common though and that made me have the will to keep in contact with her. It was like we shared this secret together in school, that I still can’t let go off. She was so innocent at times, I had the upper hand on her, until she totally flipped me over. I think she had a mental illness and I still wonder what happened to her and if she ever would agree meeting me again. I don’t have her number or know nothing about her whereabouts today..

3. ‘my dark friend’
God, I can’t remember her name… we were email-friends about five or six years ago or something.. We started chatting on a forum and got along well and suddenly we emailed eachothers almost twice a day! She had a mental illness (schizofrenia) and she wrote a lot of personal things to me in emails. We shared our experiences, illnesses, view of life, humour… we became very good friends. Then one day I didn’t get a reply from her. The days went by and up til this day I haven’t heard of her. My fear is that she committed suicide, cause she was talking about it a lot and I was the one telling her to keep holding on and to not commit suicide. That she was stronger than she thought. I keep wondering if I failed…Did she go back to the mental hospital she once was in? Or did she actually take her life? I keep wondering up til this day… if you’re out there, please contact me again? (chance is small, I know..)

I know people that I know today, that I think will be on this list maybe within a year…sadly…but true. I’m not good with having a big circle of friends and contacts around me. I either hold on or let go (with great difficulties). It’s easier now with msn and facebook of course. You have people there but you rarely talk to them as much as you used to :p So in a way you still have them there… I know I want to have Marcus there just to ask him what happened that time when he forcefully pushed me backwards away from him and left me there in the cold..
I’m curious. I want to know! ”Don’t go digging in the past” – yeah yeah, I know… but I can’t help but wondering.. Where did you all go? Why did we leave eachother?

But I also keep wondering what people I will meet now today, in the future.. and about the people I know now or recently got to know…who will still be with me when I grow old? Who will I still grab lunch with? Who will I still tell my secrets to? Will I get closer to some? Will we grow apart in a second?
I’m so curious!
Time will tell of course

Here’s a list of people I know now that I keep wondering these things about:

1. Juha Niskanen
We’ve only known eachothers for two-three months, yet it feels like longer time. At times I want to just let go and ignore him, but at the same time I don’t want to. He’s too interesting and there are things I wanna know, explore… he knows I’m in a bad place in life now and maybe I let it out on him, but it’s not my intention. Will he be one of those that will top the first list I wrote in sometime? I hope not..

2. Erik Jögimar
We’ve known eachother for some years now, from when I had a LiveJournal. I think our friendship is really stable though, I don’t see us drifting apart for a long time, but of course…I wonder what would happen…

3. Henrik Svensson
Most of the times I don’t know what we are doing! He’s a funny and great friend though, but I do wonder how long it’ll last… would we still keep in contact even if I/he move?

4. Veronica Sundh, Therese Larsson, Josefine Stubner, Michaela Lundberg, Emma-Jane Nilsson
Met these crazy girls through the same interest in music. Sadly we don’t meet up that often anymore and most of these girls are only people I party with. I do wonder who I will lose contact with first…. I sound very negative but it’s not that! I just wonder… they’ve enriched my life and my partylife a lot ;D

 

There are a lot of other people whom I feel I’ve lost more and more contact with during the months/years. We just talk sporadically now, which is a shame, but I don’t put them on the list yet, cause they’re many :p And as I said, now with internet and facebook and all, I get different kind of friends and contacts.

People are fascinating. Some more than others

Am I on some of your lists?