I had a nightmare about love, about being cheated on, about a guy I’ll never get cause I’m no one special to him etc… and the first thing that came to my mind when I woke up was to start dating seriously again, like when I met my ex bf’s.
But then again I think that maybe I should wait… maybe I won’t be able to have a serious relationship again? My thoughts are going back and forth with this question and I don’t know what I want….
I want intimacy, I want to feel special, I want someone who loves me…. but who can I love? I fall in love with pretty much everything and everybody, so I’m easily hurt.
My ex started writing to me again on msn and facebook and I can’t stop thinking about the relationship we had, if it was a good thing that it ended or if we could have worked on it.
I hate it that I’m so fast with going into relationships. It’s like a plane and I’m throwing myself out without a parachute, just living on the hope that someone will catch me, but then I crashland flat on my stomache anyway.
Alone is not strong.
Everybody’s talking about that you have to love yourself first, you have to fix yourself first, bla bla…but what if it doesn’t work? What if this gnawing, hollow feeling inside of me won’t go away no matter how much I go to shrinks, force myself to fix everyday-things etc?
I’m only 24 – yes, but still alone, so that crap about that I’m still young doesn’t do it for me..
God, I’m so lost. And everyday that passes, everyday that I feel that I have managed to do something good (getting out of my apartment, doing dishes etc.) is still another day alone with the hollow feeling in my chest.
My head’s so full of questions that I don’t dare to ask;
Why did we end it?
Could we have worked on it?
Why don’t you love me?
Why am I not anything special?
Am I doing wrong all the time?
Who will love the whole me, with my flaws?
I still live in the fantasyland Ive had since I was a child. It’s like I think Princes’ really exist. That Heroes really exists. And I’m waiting to be rescued, but He never comes..
I almost smirk at myself for having these pathetic love-problems! It’s problems I didn’t think would be a problem, but obviously they are! Sounds like I’m 14 instead of 24….and maybe I am…
I can never relax and enjoy my life…it’s like I think I will die tomorrow and everyday my body’s filled with wishes and dreams and expectations of life that I have to fullfill before tomorrow comes.
My body’s in the present but my mind is 20 years ahead. I’ve always had it like that, even when I was a child. I couldn’t wait to become an adult, plan my life, future family, future career… cause reality was something I couldn’t deal with. The time ‘right here and right now’ was too painful to deal with and I’m still living like that…
I should bring my laptop to the shrink and show her all of my blog posts……hey that was a good idea! 
I suck re-telling my thoughts I had the night before or such..
I have to sleep now, hopefully Ive gotten this shit off of my chest so I can sleep.
I’m getting up early to do a demonstration in the city against the cruelty towards racehorses tomorrow 
Nighty!
for some (probably most ) the rescue doesn’t happen all at once. little bits and pieces of life shift. some aren’t noticed until much later after they’ve changed.
other parts keep returning
to their previous state after
after adjustment. ( very annoying ) and there are some things that become recognized as no longer useful and are discarded. (you’ll know when this occurs {and, i think, it will occur many times for you } by a feeling of seemingly reasonless elation. some people start humming a happy tune.
you could ask me how i know all this and i could tell you but it wouldn’t make it
any clearer at this time.
[who do you suppose figured
to add water to dirt to make mud? turned out to be a very useful idea, don't you think. you know, bricks for building, pottery for food stuffs-earth and liquid-such a simple combination yet so~
well you get the idea ]
O.K. I WILL TELL YOU A SECRET NOW. YOU ARE THE RESCUER YOU SEEK. I know you think you don’t believe that also I KNOW that the part of you (it’s in your body but not of it { words in any language fail here}) has now
become even more aware of the circumstances. Practice your breathing. It will help the process along. ahhh,sorry if i seem to be tellin’ you what to do here. not my intent. just want to share some hard learned info.
no reason why both of us
should get whacked just to learn the same thing. besides, you can use the saved time to learn stuff the people your gonna meet will
need to know.
i wanta work in a line about
Olaf looking at Erik and saying ”we’re all in this together” as they pull their oars propelling the Dragon prowed boat through the icy winter waters but Sven looks to be in a foul temper and i don’t want him givin’ me any crap. (you’d think steering, minding the sail and looking ahead for obstructions would be enough to do for the old, one eyed, helmet headed, battle seasoned out of shape sack of… ) i’m pretty
sure most of my humor don’t make sense to you. thanks for puting up with it.
it’s a part of me in this incarnation that i have found
to be part of the package,so to speak. show all this to your shrink and stand back so you don’t get any on ya when the head explodes. (sorry, that sense of humor thing again ) o.k. ’nuff said
nick away
Haha, thanks for your advice, eventhough I hardly could make out any of it
You’re cool
hey, y’all. was readin’ more of your past posts. aura work, eh? good stuff, good stuff. life energy readings, huh. excellent. keep breathing. keep writing. you’re in the midst of a very intense process. many ( most ) people never even go there. ( there= where you are now [ and i ain't talkin' about sweden, kiddo ] ) some don’t make it out in any recognizable form. some bail without completing the process at all. { the law calls this suicide } you’re already on the path. there is no way to turn back. YOU ARE THE RESCUER THAT YOU SEEK. part of what that means is in your efforts to help your self a ” weird old hippie” in Stockholm or a bloggin’ biker poet in Lauderdale will occur to help you negotiate obstacles that are new to you but , really, are quite familiar to us and others that are in your future. [ actually, i think some of them are near you now. " when the student is ready, the teacher will come " ] words are a very difficult way to communicate. and you can do it in two languages. aren’t you the shining star. o.k., o.k.-about sleeping well- there’s an area in the center of your forehead ( between the eyes and just above them ) some call it the third eye [ first eye would be more accurate in my opinion ] the hindus put a red dot on it. to rest completely this should be covered . it’s very sensitive to light (and other stuff ) so, unless your room is as dark as an underground crypt ,well, i use a big ol’ sleep mask . ( ooohhh, nicky, that’s soooo cuute-o.k.-easy wit da funny stuff. ) enough about all that for now. How do i type ” Sweden ” in swedish. just send it to me and i’ll figure out how to make the machine do it. ( yeah,i’m an optimist- mostly because i like the way it pisses off the pessimists- o.k.,o.k.- enough wit da jokes,mon.) nick out
Sweden is Sverige in swedish ;D
Thanks for encouraging me and giving me advice:)