Happy New Year!
 …I guess… well I do wish all my friends that. For my part, well, I’m not gonna celebrate.. I just haven’t found it any fun to hunt for parties this year and no one has really asked me either.
I guess I’m making up for last new year when I was so fucking wasted I hardly remember anything! Haven’t been sober on New Years for some years now! Wohoo :p
So anyway.. I really don’t feel like drinking and going crazy..very out of character I must say, but hey, I’m not always the crazy one :p (meaning the ‘good type of crazy’)

I did celebrate christmas though and it did went well I was at my parents place and relatives kept popping up. I got prezzies:
- vacuumcleaner
- Magic Eight Ball (my favourite prezzie, thanks sis!)
- candy
- money
- legs for my bed (since I broke mine..)
and other smaller things

I also spent one whole day before christmas making christmas food with my dad. It was nice Our homemade meatballs fucking rocked!! ;D

Hmm…what else… my lovelife is as confusing as ever.. I broke up once again. So I’m single…crap.. oh well.. I’m so done with deep feelings, they never work out anyway!
Though my bitter view on love doesn’t stop my heart from skipping beats when I talk to a guy from a swedish internet-site… we’ve talked on the phone, talking on msn a lot and…yeah… we both like eachothers very much and we’re talking about meeting up. There are just some minor problems: He lives 9 hours away from me…and he’s in a relationship…
I did talk to him about it yesterday and he did confess that he didn’t know how serious he was about his relationship (ego points to me), he liked me ‘more than he probably should’ (points to me) and he really wanted to meet me IRL. So, the road is very bumpy but at least (I hope) it goes forward.. I do like him. He cares about me..that’s a nice feeling
I called him an hour ago, to wish him a happy new year, but he was busy so he said he would call me later. I hate when people say that cause now I’ll just hope for him to call me all evening and will be greatly dissapointed if he doesn’t call!! Typical my brain…
Typical my brain aswell: Hating love, swearing to not go into a relationship again..and then fall for a guy the second I curse love. Perfect.

I’m so confused.
Yesterday evening was mighty confusing aswell… listening to dark ambient in a very dark room, under a blanket in my friends apartment and ending up in a situation I didn’t want to end up in..hm.. all cause of weird feelings.. I have no idea what people do to me, what I let people do to me, how I feel for people, what I should or should not feel for people…. my brain is so overloaded with confusing knots that I just shut off at times. Close my eyes and it’s not there…at least for awhile.. All I know is..I don’t have erotic/romantic feelings for certain people, but maybe I give out wrong signals? Probably…

Anyways.. I do have a hard time trusting people now. I hate, HATE the word ”Promise”. When people tell me they promise things..I just get this knot in my stomach..I really dislike all these words that are very heavy and filled with heavy stuff:
PROMISE
LOVE
HATE
HOPE
….. all of these things just make me confused. Like life in general…

I can not get over the feeling that I TRIED OUT LIFE AND IT WAS NOTHING FOR ME.
Cause everything just confuses me…

I love people. As much as I fucking hate them. People interest me. But as soon as I get involved with people that interests me..I end up feeling very confused..
I’ve no line, no boundary, no limit… what is okey to get involved in? What is not okey?

I got the advice yesterday to really listen to my heart. To really listen to it. But there are too many other buzzing noises, I can’t hear my heartbeat anymore :-/

I want the intimacy without the consequences.
I want the cuddling without the expectations.
I want a life without feelings…but that is just bullshit for me..

I’m too emotional. I’ve so many feelings inside of me. I have a heart just bursting, just yearning for a heart that will beat in my rhytm…I give it away too easily..I get hurt too easily….

It’s so damn much easier to like others than myself..

Jessi said that if she finds out that I’m with another guy that lets me down and hurts me, she would kick my ass. Haha, yeah I know what she means…
That’s why I’ll be all alone this new years eve. I don’t wanna end up celebrating with the people I shouldn’t get involved with again…
A good thing is I will not have a hangover tomorrow like the rest of the world ;D

So yeah..this new year will just be very calm and I will sit and really think about how I want my life to be and what I can do to make it better in year 2009.. I’m in knee-deep shit economically and I have to do something about it really fast… I don’t wanna be this miserable! I’m thinking about starting to study again.. I just have to choose what the hell to study… that’s another big problem in my life; My inability to just decide something and keep myself on that track. There are too many options or too few options..I can’t choose!

There are no new year resolutions for me.. or maybe; I will try to hang in here. I realized yesterday that even if there are weird feelings between me and some friends, they are still my friends and they are still the people who keeps me hanging on. I don’t know what I would do without my friends who keeps kicking my ass to help me to get a move on, my friends who takes me out of my apartment to just take a walk..and also the people I recently have started talking to on the net; Thanks for being there and for telling me what a wonderful person I am. I wish I could do something to make it up for you, for the times Ive been dwelling… so I guess my New Year resolution is partly for you guys aswell; I will hang in here.

I could of course sell a lot of things I own. But I could only do that once. And the money would be enough…once…then next time I wouldn’t have anything else to sell.

I want to start test-working, but the chance that the social insurance office will approve is -100% , cause they’re a bunch of asses. The chance of me getting a doctor to write another medical certificate is slim cause it’s already way past time (I’m 2 1/2 month late with papers and everything, so even if I get a doctor to sign me as ill now, I will still have lost 2 1/2 month)

Christmas eve was really good! I didn’t get any panicattacks or anxiety, but today I wake up with these fucking thoughts in my head. How the hell am I gonna pay this month? And it’s holiday up til the 29th which means even if I get enough money to borrow, I won’t be able to put them on my bank until all the bills has run out anyway…so anyhow I’m screwed this month and will be late with bills…if I even get enough money to pay them at all…

I get headache.
I panic.
And I get more and more depressed.
I might have to cancel a lot of stuff…my internet, sell the computer, cancel the phone…everything that means I have to pay..cause I don’t have anything to pay with. Then I would only struggle with my apartment and the electricity..though I’d need to eat too…fuck.. well I don’t eat much anyway so I don’t have to pay much a month for food.

This is not working out!

I will become criminal and it really is societys fault.

I’m selling myself. I’m selling my body, my sex, my skin. I’m selling it all. Just pay. Give me money so I won’t have to end up homeless, cause right now I see no good end. I see no light in this tunnle that has been going on for years.
No matter what job I have, I feel mentally ill everywhere and have to quit or just don’t work. The constant fighting with the social insurance companies and those who are suppose to help, I can’t stand it anymore. I fight and I fight, I hear my family nag at me to fight more, but I’m on my knees. And still it doesn’t help.
I’ve lost everything I’ve believed in within myself. I’m a loser. I can’t keep a job. I can’t function. I can’t think like everybody else. My parents try so hard to make me think ‘right’. But I can’t. I’m 24 and I still can’t.
There is nothing for me here in this world…in this life… I question everything and I can’t accept.
I don’t know what to do.
You can call me a whore, call me a loser, call me someone who gives up. I don’t care anymore. You don’t have to suffer with my brain. You don’t have my life, so please leave your nasty comments outside the door before entering my dark room.

I can’t afford having this brain.
I can’t afford living ‘normally’.

I hate so much. I hate so fucking much. If I would to write down everything I hate with the human race, the society, the world, I’d end up shooting myself before even getting halfway on the list.

And I can’t make anything better… well maybe… I have only myself. I don’t have an education, I can’t afford an education, I can’t have a job that I’ll only get called in sick from. Then what do I have? I have my body. As long as I have my curves, my breast-size etc, then I don’t have to spend money on fixing it.
I am so good at sex. That is what I am good at. Sure, I’m good at writing poetry too, but I can’t afford to publish a book.

I don’t have the money to make more money. What is so hard to understand?

I don’t want to live off of my friends and parents money anymore. I have wonderful friends and parents who give me money, but I’d rather accept money from a guy who fucks me than from my loved ones.

I’m so fucking fed up.
Fed up crying. Fed up being scared and fed up worrying. Not only am I sinking into my depression even more, I’m also sinking into desperation.
Can you picture this in your head? To have no income? To have an apartment to pay for? To have phonebills? And everything else ‘daily’ that you need to pay. But with what? I’m scared to death to have everything taken away from me cause I can’t pay for it. I am fed up not to be able to make money on my own.

I think my friends, the people I talk to and know, are those who keeps me from swallowing all pills I own down with alcohol.
Is money worth dying for? Is lack of money worth dying for? As long as I stay alive, I’m in the game and fighting, but I might have to change tactics and fight my own way, wether people like it or not.

You ask me if I want to go christmas-shopping. When I can’t even afford to wipe my ass with soft and somewhat comfortable toiletpaper!

Merry fucking christmas!

I’m going to my parents place tomorrow. Dad will pick me up at noon. I’m still ill and I think I might have pneumonia. I’m coughing so much I get out of breath. Crying ontop of that is like being suffocated. No air. I’ve been ill with flu for a week, that’s why there’s been lack of posts here on my blog.

I thought the christmas this year might feel better. I don’t think so anymore.
Things I will not be able to stand talking about with my relatives/family:
- my future
- my job
- my life in general

So let’s start celebrating…

I feel so lonely…
Falling for the ‘wrong’ guys… don’t know if I want to be with a man or a woman… and so on..

I was at a great rock-party yesterday, saw Dead By April and Airbourne live But yet I had to fight this feeling of loneliness when I saw the beautiful couples that were there dancing, smooching etc.. I wanted to have someone special too… and I kept thinking of this guy I’ve met recently through a site…whom I shouldn’t think about like that cause he’s got a girlfriend…and maybe if we met irl we wouldn’t ‘click’, but I can’t help but feeling warm inside when I talk to him on msn… and for that, I hate myself
I miss that feeling so much, I get it too much…I have no boundaries anymore…I fall so easily, getting into teenage crushes almost!

I don’t want someone to love. I want someone to love ME.
And when you feel shitty about yourself, I guess it’s too far-fetched… I want someone who will fight for and with me, who will see how I feel but not be afraid! I don’t wanna scare people away anymore I can’t help being confused, depressed, dark… I know you see my great sides aswell, I know you like that, but I need someone to like the whole me! Even when I hate myself…
Why is this so hard?
People with self-hatred, people who are confused about life also need love!!

I don’t want to be left alone again.. I just want this aching echoing void inside me to be filled with something other than darkness..

If you keep looking and searching, you won’t find it. Is that so?

I just close my eyes, pretending someone lays beside me and hold me…

Jag vet inte vad jag ska göra…. Att låsa in mej i mej själv låter mest lugnast… pallar inte att prata med endel personer längre…alltid samma svar, alltid samma konversation…orkar inte msn, facebook, sms….
Jag kan inte alltid vara kåt, hörni, okej? Så give me a fucking break!
Jag kan inte bara ”må bra” och sluta tänka, även om ni vill det (vem fan vill inte det?!)
Vem vill ens vara med en när jag inte ens vill vara med mej själv? Då är det ju verkligen bara att skita i att försöka…

Jag fastnar så lätt i nåt slags beroende. Det fysiska beroendet är mer ett helvete än det materialistiska, det emotionella beroendet är mer ett helvete än det fysiska…

Nej men, det är som ni säger; Äh, vad håller jag på med? Bara upp med hakan, sluta tjata, se positiva saker, sluta analysera allt etc etc etc….
Som om sånt får mej att må bättre att höra?? Om jag KUNDE bara switch off och börja tänka annorlunda, hade inte jag gjort det vid det här laget? Jo!

Jag är inte förbannade på er, mina vänner! Jag är förbannad på att jag ‘förstör’ för alla andra! Alla andra är ju så jävla bra på att må bra och ta sej ur skit och inte analysera, inte tänka, se positiva saker….(ja, ni hatar ju inte er själva och skadar er själva för det iaf)
Tänk om den tjejen ni lärde känna för längesen inte finns längre? Tror ni inte att jag försöker vara den personen, men då känns det varje gång som att jag ljuger…. jag vet fan inte vem eller vad jag är längre… kanske ett suicidal fall som mår bättre att att vara på ett sjukhus där någon tar hand om mej…
Nej men just det! Jag är ju inte ”tillräckligt sjuk”….

Ska orka ta mej till läkaren snart och få honom att skriva ett bättre sjukintyg, sen ska jag skriva ett brev till försäkringskassan om varför jag inte orkar att jobba och har varit sjukskriven…

”Hej, jag är egentligen i koma, min kompis skriver detta brev till er för att få er att tänka om angående sjukersättningen. Linda kan inte jobba för att..ja hon ligger i koma och kommer dö inom en månad, är det tillräckligt bevis på att hon inte bara ’skiter i sitt jobb’? Och nej, jag kan inte få hennes underskrift eftersom hon, ja, är i koma”

Svar:”Hej, är Linda i koma så behöver hon inte pengarna. Hon kommer ju dö snart iaf.
Vänliga hälsningar Försäkringskassan”

 

Om man inte kan rädda sej själv…..kan man inte bara ringa 112 då?

Att jag skriver här i är någon slags självräddning för stunderna iaf…. synd att dom stunderna blir längre och längre…

If I close my eyes, it still hurts me, cause it’s not the shit outside of me that hurts me, it’s the shit inside… so it doesnt help with closing my eyes…
I wish I didnt hate myself.
I wish I didn’t think that I don’t deserve anything good.
I wish I didn’t torture myself both physically and mentally.
But it’s like being an ateist and praying to a God you don’t believe in.

I feel like 14 years old.
Everybody are so smart, so much calmer, so much older. They know what to do. What I should do. But it doesn’t help when I am lost in a dark spiral that is going down and down all the time…

I’m so tired of myself. I am so tired…of myself… I’m tired of crying, of falling, of balancing, on pretending (not only towards people, but towards myself)… but who am I without the pretending? Who am I at all?

It’s so easy to tell someone else what to do, what to think, how to act…..
I cut myself to punish myself, when I fail, when I make mistakes. Have you any idea how it feels to dislike yourself that much? To dislike yourself so much so that you try to avoid mirrors?

Please! Take my brain for one day! Please, I’m begging, take my brain, my thoughts, my soul, my everything for one day and try to find a way out, cause I can’t! I can’t do this much longer…

…Stop this wheel I’m in.
I let myself get used by people I think care about me, when all they care about is my body and turn away from the ‘real’ me. When I feel shitty around them, they back away or just don’t do anything…or go back to sleep…

It just hurt so much. Hurts so much to say Goodbye. I feel so strong when I say things like:”I can’t see you anymore, I have to fix things with myself. This isnt working”. Then when I’ve closed the door, I fall to my knees and have to listen to the noises of Hell going round in my head…

Everytime I let someone go like this, I let them rip a piece of my heart with them. Soon there won’t be anything at all left in me.

But that’s the brutal truth; I rather get tortured to pieces than to feel unwanted and alone…

I have to stop being my feelings…

I’m sorry
I’m not who I seem to be
I lie
Lie to myself everyday
every minute
with you I’m the worst lier there is
but you don’t notice
cause it’s not really to you I lie
it’s to myself
everyday
every second
Im someone I don’t recognise
I try to hold her close and recognise her
but I don’t
I’m sorry.
You have to go.
I wish things were different…
No, I wish that I was different
I wish I didnt have to torture myself
I do.
Every night I’m with you, I lie to myself
it’s so embarassing to talk to you about it
cause it shows my weakness
And I want you to know less about me
I wish I could take it all back,
everything I’ve told you
everything I’ve showed you
of me
cause it hurts
I hurt myself
in your arms
your touch rips me apart from the inside
the terrifying noises of Hell roaring in my body,
in my mind
everytime
and I don’t know why I let it
I have to stop.
Stop touching me
Stop touching my mind
and my heart
I can’t stand it anymore
Why do we pretend?
Why can’t I balance my feelings,
my thoughts,
my soul?
I wish we never met.
Right now..
I wish we never met….
Ouch.
Ouch.
Ouch…

I realized this evening how much I let myself get used: I let him borrow my travel-card to go and meet a girl. A ‘friend’. And he said he’d be back before four this afternoon…. and the clock is 40 minutes past midnight.
Fuck this.
Fuck everything.

No I’m not gonna give up, but what the hell am I suppose to do with my brain?? All these fucked up questions in my head and there’s no answers!

Am I really bisexual as I feel/think?
Why do I flirt with people who obviously can never be mine?

Got such a bad feeling just washing over me all of a sudden earlier this evening, and it still lingers on Some weird anxiety, feeling it in my stomach and chest…like hollowness..what am I? who am I? and where am I going in life?

So tired… why can’t I be happy and keep going on living like everybody else? *sigh*

Som ett öppet sår
Är jag när jag går hemmåt
i kylan
Armarna nära min kropp,
blicken på våta asfalten
Skyddar mej från vinden
men ändå är jag ett öppet sår
och regnet känns som citrondroppar