There’s no long-lasting love

You fall in love and then you hurt and then it ends

Lovestories are the only fairytales without happy endings

”Have you ever been in love?
Horrible isn’t it?
It makes you so vulnerable.
It opens your chest and it opens up your heart
and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up.
You build up all these defenses,
you build up a whole suit of armor,
so that nothing can hurt you,
then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life…
You give them a piece of you.
They didn’t ask for it.
They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn’t your own anymore.
Love takes hostages.
It gets inside you.
It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness
so simple a phrase like ‘maybe we should be just friends’
turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart.
It hurts.
Not just in the imagination.
Not just in the mind.
It’s a soul-hurt,
a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain.
I hate love.”

I’m in this circle of pain and hurt and I can’t get out!

fuck love

fuck life

fuck people

fuck me

Why do they always hurt??

a lifelong love relationship must be a lie

I don’t care if you’re happily in love – I don’t wanna be the shoulder you cry on when it ends and be able to say ”told ya so”

Prepare for pain

love is so fucking overrated

I can’t stand the pain anymore

Real Life Event Quotes From My Life, spoken to me:

”You’re not girlfriend material”
”What did you think? We’ll just be seeing eachothers as friends and nothing more!”
”I’ve been thinking about it…and I want you to be mine” *later*–> ”This isn’t working out. I’m not in love with you”

Lies
Lies
Lies

Pain
Pain
Pain

Hurt
Hurt
Hurt

Bitterness
Bitterness
Bitterness

Everything reminds me of loving relationships, dating, boy and girlfriends. Please take me out of my suffering!

I puke on everything that has to do with love.

I hurt myself enough so I don’t need a boy or a girlfriend.

Fucking fuck fuck fuck fuck!!!!!

You’re not ever reaching my heart again, you fucking bastards!

Does it read:”TAKE MY HEART, LIE TO ME, STAB IT WITH A KNIFE, DRAG IT IN THE DUST, THEN PUT IT BACK IN” on my forehead??

I fucking tell you…every fucking time….not to play with my heart…and yet you keep doing it…all of you!

WHY
WHY
WHY
WHYYYY!?

I can’t survive without hugs, kisses, holding hands, sex, cuddling, sweet words….. so I might aswell just die.

If it’s true that no one can love me unless I love myself first…well…then I really might aswell die..

Life is nothing without love.
I’m nothing without love.
Look at this whole post! Look what I write! I don’t function without love…

So why keep taking it away from me all the fucking time?!
I need it! I want it!

Stop fucking lying! Stop fucking lying to me!!

Love makes me;
- Smile
- Laugh
- Warm
- Ovewhelmed
- Surprised
- Happy
- Perfect
- Nice

Lack of love makes me:
- Cry
- Cut myself til I bleed
- Scream
- Hate
- Flawed
- Bitter
- Angry
- Empty

Don’t tell me I have family who loves me
Don’t tell me I have friends who loves me
If you believe that that makes up for kisses, cuddling in bed, holding hands and romantic things – YOU.ARE.WRONG!

I love my family
I love my friends

But I’m never special enough to be loved alone by one person and be that persons everything. Because that doesn’t exist.

Am I asking too much?
Do I want too much from one single person?
Honesty, respect, hugs, kisses, holding hands, understanding… and all other good things another person should give to another one?

”I cut myself open
I sew myself shut
My weakness is
that I care too much”

Jag är inte arg på dej.
Jag är arg på mej själv och det kom ut över dej.
För det är jag ledsen…
Jag är så arg på mej själv över att jag inte kan hålla i mitt hjärta
Jag är så arg på mej själv över att jag blir kär, älskar, faller
Jag blir så arg på mej själv att jag tar sönder mej själv när jag vet att jag har fuckat upp någonting.

Jag är inte arg på dej, var inte arg på dej…jag önskar bara att jag inte kunde älska, kunde känna kärlek…för dom jag känner så mycket för känner det inte för mej…
Jag vet inte varför jag går igenom den här jävla smärtan hela tiden.
Jag vill så gärna… jag vill ha någon som älskar mej tillbaka, som inte ljuger för mej, som inte låtsas….
Och dum som jag är så trodde jag att jag hittade det..i en som redan har ett förhållande… jag är så jävla dum.

Jag hatar mej själv.
Hur kan någon då älska mej,va?
Jag skar min tröja med kniven, skar min arm, höll på att skära min hals… för jag är så trött att leva med mina tankar, min hjärna, mitt hjärta…
jag hatade mej själv när jag loggade av och visste att jag fuckat upp genom att få dej tro att jag var arg på dej.

Jag vill ringa dej. Men gör det inte.
Jag vill träffa dej. Men risken att jag kysser dej, aldrig släpper taget om dej, säger att jag älskar dej är för stor.

För jag har egentligen inget i ditt kärleksliv att göra.

Jag bara trodde.
Jag bara hoppades.
Jag bara ville.
Du sa att du hade ett hopp också en gång, men att genom att jag tvivlade så mycket så dödade jag ditt hopp.
Vad var ditt hopp?

Varför känns det som att även du bara lekte med mej, när du egentligen hade ditt på det torra? Varför gick du över gränsen? Varför tillät du det gå över gränsen?
Ja, du sårade mej.
Du sårar mej varje gång du sover hos henne.
Och det enda du kan säga är att du förstår.
Gör du?
mmm, svarade du.
Men om du förstår…varför leker du med mej då?

Jag öppnade upp. Jag sa allting. Jag gav allting. Jag blottade mitt innersta flera gånger, jag gav dej mitt hjärta och jag hatar mej själv för det.
Som jag hatar mej själv varenda JÄVLA GÅNG jag ger mitt hjärta till någon!

Varför tillät du mej? Varför tillät du dej själv? Frestelse? Lockande? Farligt?
MEN DET GJORDE ONT! Det gör ont! Det gör så jävla ont!!

Jag skyller på dej för att jag orkar inte skylla på mej själv längre! Jag VET att jag inte var själv i det här!

JÄVLA FAAN!

Jag HATAR DET HÄR!!

Jag visste så jävla väl att det skulle bli så här! JAG VISSTE! Men likförbannat körde jag på! Blint jävla hopp som vanligt! Så nu står jag här och skriker på mej själv, tar sönder mej totalt för att jag är så DUM I HUVUDET!!!

JAG HATAR KÄRLEK
JAG HATAR KÄNSLOR
JAG HATAR LIVET
JAG HATAR ATT DET ALLTID SKA BLI SÅ JÄVLA FEL!!!

Mina pusselbitar passar aldrig ihop.

Jag vill inte leva det här livet. Jag vill inte ha den här hjärnan. Jag vill inte ha det här hjärtat. Jag vill skära ut allting.

Just an update…

Was at the shrink today and finished the diagnose-test, but I won’t get the results until another 2 weeks.. I hate it that everything’s so fucking slow!
Anyhow… she said that this test will determind if I have some sort of illness with an actual name in a doctors book, and what special psychologists and doctors I should see in the future. Cause the one I see now, who did the test with me is just someone who everybody gets to see the first time they come to the shrink there. And it sounded on her like I really will have to see a specialist. Both good and bad, I guess..

So wating another two weeks. I asked if I had to keep waiting this long between all my future sessions with next shrink too, cause if so, then it would be pointless, cause I basically need more support almost every week! Preferaly twice a week… she said that I would get to meet the other one more often. I hope so!

My dad gave me money this month again so I can afford my bills and food. So I went to buy some food on my way home from the shrink. The social insurance office still haven’t given me money…it looks though as if I actually WILL get some money at least. I think it’s cause the new doctor I have is awesome and really write detailed certificates of illness so that even the dickheads at the insurance office gets that I’m fucked up!
The doctor even gave me sleeping pills. The mild ones. I don’t think they have the effect I’d want to have..I’m still waking up every hour during the nights…but I am more zombielike during the days instead :p, so they’re doing something anyway! I’m gonna finish off these pills though and then ask for something stronger… I will also get a new appointment with the doctor at the psychology, since he was ill when I was gonna meet him last time. He has to give me other anti-dep-pills really soon…

I’ve also contacted the university of stockholm about a subject I wanna study there called Performance Studies (or something like that in english!). It’s theater anyway :p It seems a bit complicated though, about how to apply and that you have to add courses on your own..I didn’t really get it so I’m emailing again :p
I’m hoping I can apply for it though.
Just to have applied to university for me could be a big step towards something better

My sister’s going to Göteborg tomorrow to check out a make-up school she wants to apply to after the summer, since she graduates college this summer. My baby-sister is growing up so fast! :p

So basically…right now it feels like everything that has haltered and stood stil for me for awhile, suddenly took a step, a slow step, but it’s a step anyway; The social insurance office probably and hopefully finally granting me money, the diagnose-test at the shrink will hopefully reveal what’s wrong with my head, I found this education at the university I have a chance at applying for….
There’s a dim, very very small and tiny light shining through. But it IS a light. And I grasp it and hold on to it.

Christian also called me on saturday. He had recieved the card I had sent him, very late though, and he was very happy about it We talked about meeting up and he said he would hopefully be able to come to me by the end of february. And it seems like he and not only me, thinks it’s a long wait… so the hope is up for me on this aspect of life aswell. He means a lot to me already and he knows it. I’m so excited about meeting him in person for the first time, I can hardly wait! We’ve planned to watch ”The Unborn” in the cinema and also have a horror-movie night ;D
I don’t want to be excited, but I can’t help it…
Wake me up when february ends?

Spent the weekend at Henkes place. He’s a dear *hugs him*
We ate icecream, potatoechips and drank coke as we watched a movie and listened to music
He saves me from myself.

I didn’t want to go back home after he went to work today, cause I already felt that once I got into my apartment, I’d feel shitty. So instead I wandered around in the city for about three hours or so. It was nice Of course I spotted things I wanted to buy…wishing I was a millionaire..but I felt good cause I was at least getting fresh air and was walking :p

When I got home I ate some of my vegetarian lasagne I made yesterday, then I watched a movie. And now I’m here. And now my stomach starts to hurt cause of my anxiety over everything in my life…It’s like I knew this was coming all day long, but I tried to post-pone it…and now I can’t anymore..
I’m trying to find a subject to study, but my constant fear of failing and that I wouldn’t be good enough is stopping me.. I feel worthless!
Yes, the only thing worth mentioning that I’ve worked with is the theatre-thing, but it’s not worth shit today! I can’t work with theatre in Sweden! There’s no market, I’d have to move to the US or London to have a bigger chance.. and maybe one day I will…cause I see no future here anymore..I don’t know what to study, I don’t know how to keep a job, my anxiety is killing me, I have nightmares every second I manage to sleep somewhat deep, I’m in love with a guy who’s got a girlfriend… all of this makes me question: WHAT THE FUCK SHOULD AND CAN I DO?! AND WHY CAN’T I JUST FEEL HAPPINESS OVER SOMETHING IN MY LIFE TODAY THAT WILL LAST?!

All I know is if I don’t think of something fast, then I will be even more screwed. My heart starts racing and my thoughts start spinning and my stomach starts aching. The anxiety over my future and my indecisivness is too much…
Relaxing is escaping. There is no other way. I’ve been escaping all day and it caugh up with me tonight…

I’m so stuck and so lost, I can’t see anymore.

Double-dose of sleeping pills tonight. *sigh*

While I cleaned out some of my papers I found this poem I had scribbled down in a notebook awhile ago

If I could afford it
I’d slit my wrists on a hundred-dollar bill
swallow millions of coins til I’d choke
If I could afford it
I’d take my life by drowning in a pot of gold

Death isn’t free and life isn’t cheap
caught inbetween
these really bad dreams

If I could afford it
I’d hang myself with a golden chain
beat myself down with 24 carat stone
If I could afford it
I’d see all lifes movmements
behind the Golden Gate

But life isn’t free
and death isn’t cheap
caught inbetween
these really bad dreams

How can I block out
How can I accept
when what life’s all about
is how much money you get

And while I’m sleeping
with the Son of Satan
he’s my pills for awhile
telling me to hold on one more time
Can I afford his love
Can I buy a personal paradise
where I’d be swimming in his gene-pool
and swallow water to stop the pain for once..

Life isn’t free
and death isn’t cheap
caught inbetween
these really bad dreams

I always feel like I’m bothering people.

Why am I not thrilled that he called me tonight eventhough he said he was too tired to talk on the phone? He called anyway.
I just can’t help my fucking thoughts from spinning; Did I force him? Did he feel forced to call?
I’m so tired of having these thoughts everytime! It feels like I’m a burden, cause I want to call him and want him to visit me.

We talked about watching ”The Unborn” together when it premieres on friday in cinemas…I’m just not sure if he really meant to come now on friday..?
I said;”Then you should come to Stockholm!” and he said;”oh, you’d like that wouldn’t you?”

Silence

Doesn’t he want that too? Is it too complicated for me to understand that it is a complicated situation?

Starting to back down on the meet up…I don’t want to get dissapointed. So maybe it’s better if we’re just on our own sides..?

Bleh.. I was just gonna watch a movie but I need to write first. My thoughts won’t let me concentrate on anything else than this situation…what situation? A situation I’m imagining, I guess..

Somedays I almost wish that I hadn’t seen him online and started talking to him. I don’t want to feel butterflies in my stomach and superhappy when he’s online. I don’t want to have this crush. But I do… and I feel so stupid, falling for all these things he tells me. I’m in a constant battle with myself about how to feel. I have to restrain myself from the happiness. I have to force myself to believe it will never be him and me and we’ll never meet up. Cause then it will hurt less…I think… or no, it has already started to hurt and I’m already starting to get dissappointed. On something that isn’t even started? Have we started anything at all? Why can’t it be just empty words without feelings? But I know it’s not. Not for me. And not for him.

We’re both scared. On our own sides of life. I’m trying to take a step towards him, but I don’t even know if it’s worth it…what step is he prepared to take? Coming to Stockholm for a weekend? It’s all just talk in the air right now.. If I had the money I would go to him right away, I guess…if he would want me to.. Is

it too serious to meet up?
”If we meet, we will meet as friends”, he said once. I think it’s partly true, partly bullshit. My feeling’s not gonna change (at least I dont think so). You dont have webcam-sex with your friend..you don’t write what we write to eachothers if it was just friendship..
We’re so intimate, so true, so passionate, so sweet online. What would happen IRL? Maybe it would all vanish…. and I keep wondering if it’s worth meeting up for that.

Am I rushing love again? It’s just that I can’t remember last time I had butterflies in my stomach for someone..and I don’t know what to do, afraid I will do wrong, afraid it will all dissappear infront of my eyes, slip through my fingers…

Should I wait? But for how long? Should I step back? For how long should we keep talking online before meeting up? Is it too soon everything? But nothing will develop unless we meet IRL?

Fear is taking over. I don’t know what more to write..can’t sort out more thoughts than these…

I feel so damn stupid

I’ve been wanting to study for quite awhile now… problem is I can’t find anything I’d like to study and once I actually do find it, I need to be a superintelligent alien lifeform to even understand the subjects (like Mathematics level D). And so I look for something else, and when I find something else I’m interested in; it’s nothing that would help me get a job or back me up in finding a job (for example theater studies)

Feels hopeless.
I really felt useless tonight can’t find an education I’d be smart enough to study since everything I’m interested in has to have maths and physics and all those intelligent subjects in, and my ex keeps telling me about these perfect girls he’s dating…

and my tummy hurts…

*big sigh*

Gonna try to sleep now..

So early this evening I finally gathered motivation to go and buy a lot of food to fill my fridge, freezer and cupboard (out of money for real now).

I bought stuff to make a vegetarian lasagna (I’ve never done it before, but I think I ate it once at my parents place and loved it) and other stuff I will try to make on my own (NO MICROWAVE FOOD!)
And I also treated myself with a jar of figs in cognac and some icecream! I thought I could eat it tonight, but when I got home and was gonna open the jar with the figs in, it was stuck. I mean REALLY stuck. it didn’t move one bit! I even dropped it on the floor in desperation, but it didnt even break!! So, I put my boots back on and walked back to the store, got a hold of a teenage boy who probably worked there over the season and looked like he was visitin gyms pretty much.
”Excuse me uhmm.. I just bought this jar and there is no way I can get it open. Could you?” (must’ve sounded like the worst pick-up line ever)
He just looked at me and smiled (and probably thought ”oh my god what a stupid little girl!”), and he popped opened the jar like it was nothing.
I almost told him:”Thank you, I really need to get a boyfriend” but I didn’t. I just smiled sweetly and thanked him, then walked back home and ate icecream with figs ;D

Three alternatives:
1. Get a strong boyfriend
2. Get a jar-opener
3. Go to the gym to get muscles

But hey, when there are strong and young men working at ICA (the food store) near me, why bother with anything else complicated? ;D
Oh god, I sound like a desperate middle-aged woman. MILF! MILF! Hahah, jeez…

btw, my sis is making an article for school about the fur industry (she’s active against animal cruelty like I am), feel free to check out her blog: Sisters blog

Need more food in my tummy.

And soon I will watch some more episodes of Ghost Hunters International on YouTube ;D

Plopp!

I feel proud of myself I think I have the right to:

Yesterday morning I talked to the social services on the phone and they really made me feel shitty. I got a slight anxiety-attack and just felt worthless and I just wanted to go back to sleep…
In some way though, I managed to get ahold of myself and calm myself down and forced myself to go to the city. I was gonna go to a house-party in the evening and at first I was thinking about not going when I felt shitty, but I pulled myself together and got out to find a present and to motivate myself. Instead of going all the way in to Stockholm C as I first planned, I went to Vällingby C. I started feeling better and I bought some facial products for myself (and got a perfume test for free) and found a present
When I got home I was feeling a bit better and I treated myself with the facial products and had a nice shower and stuff.

I went to the house-party
And I didn’t drink alcohol and got home in a reasonable time and could take a warm shower before going to bed I think I do have the right to feel proud of myself for pulling myself together like that and get motivation and having a good time without alcohol in the end

I love my friends!

So now I made up a ’schedule’ for my mornings…like a routine I will try to follow to take care of myself a bit more again. It’s small things, but it helps a lot. I know I can’t do big steps now, but I feel okey with that.

I also took up the constant battle with the social insurance office yesterday and sent them a letter and my new ‘medical certificate’.

It amazes me, the strength I seem to possess…:S :S

(PS. THANK YOU VERONICA FOR THE PARTY AND THE YUMMY FOOD! DS.)

Ernie, oh Earnie what happened to you?
You used to be brown and green too
Now you’re yellow and say nothing much
and you’re stuck in a bath-tub
And as the others play hide and seek
you’re just bumping in your sea
which is just water with edges around
oh, Ernie you’re just going down
Maybe if you were a goose
you’d be running around loose
And wouldn’t worry your mind
if you’ll keep on floating or drown
But Ernie, oh Earnie, the life outside the tub can be tough
you do have your water, bubbles and that’s enough
for you that is your life and home
Oh Earnie, rubberducky all alone

*******************************************************

Once upon a time
in an outdoor pool
a ducky so fine
knew he was so cool
Ernie was his name
he was never ashamed
that he was swimming around in dog-drool

Okey so the story behind this is:  Hannah.

:p