I always feel like I’m bothering people.

Why am I not thrilled that he called me tonight eventhough he said he was too tired to talk on the phone? He called anyway.
I just can’t help my fucking thoughts from spinning; Did I force him? Did he feel forced to call?
I’m so tired of having these thoughts everytime! It feels like I’m a burden, cause I want to call him and want him to visit me.

We talked about watching ”The Unborn” together when it premieres on friday in cinemas…I’m just not sure if he really meant to come now on friday..?
I said;”Then you should come to Stockholm!” and he said;”oh, you’d like that wouldn’t you?”

Silence

Doesn’t he want that too? Is it too complicated for me to understand that it is a complicated situation?

Starting to back down on the meet up…I don’t want to get dissapointed. So maybe it’s better if we’re just on our own sides..?

Bleh.. I was just gonna watch a movie but I need to write first. My thoughts won’t let me concentrate on anything else than this situation…what situation? A situation I’m imagining, I guess..

Somedays I almost wish that I hadn’t seen him online and started talking to him. I don’t want to feel butterflies in my stomach and superhappy when he’s online. I don’t want to have this crush. But I do… and I feel so stupid, falling for all these things he tells me. I’m in a constant battle with myself about how to feel. I have to restrain myself from the happiness. I have to force myself to believe it will never be him and me and we’ll never meet up. Cause then it will hurt less…I think… or no, it has already started to hurt and I’m already starting to get dissappointed. On something that isn’t even started? Have we started anything at all? Why can’t it be just empty words without feelings? But I know it’s not. Not for me. And not for him.

We’re both scared. On our own sides of life. I’m trying to take a step towards him, but I don’t even know if it’s worth it…what step is he prepared to take? Coming to Stockholm for a weekend? It’s all just talk in the air right now.. If I had the money I would go to him right away, I guess…if he would want me to.. Is

it too serious to meet up?
”If we meet, we will meet as friends”, he said once. I think it’s partly true, partly bullshit. My feeling’s not gonna change (at least I dont think so). You dont have webcam-sex with your friend..you don’t write what we write to eachothers if it was just friendship..
We’re so intimate, so true, so passionate, so sweet online. What would happen IRL? Maybe it would all vanish…. and I keep wondering if it’s worth meeting up for that.

Am I rushing love again? It’s just that I can’t remember last time I had butterflies in my stomach for someone..and I don’t know what to do, afraid I will do wrong, afraid it will all dissappear infront of my eyes, slip through my fingers…

Should I wait? But for how long? Should I step back? For how long should we keep talking online before meeting up? Is it too soon everything? But nothing will develop unless we meet IRL?

Fear is taking over. I don’t know what more to write..can’t sort out more thoughts than these…

I feel so damn stupid