Who would be so mean, so cruel, so coldhearted to joke about love? I mean, to tell a joke to someone who is in love with that person?

”I need a Linda in my life”

I chocked on my sandwich when I got that message. How do I analyze that? How do I take that? How do I embrace that? A sentence like that? It is so full of meaning behind, don’t tell me different!

Boy, if you were just joking around with that sentence, you’re going down. I told you, as I’ve told all the guys and everybody else:  You do NOT play with my heart and treat me like a toy!

Fear is leaking through the cracks
of our painted, plastered, plastic painting
The Joker pulls out yet another card

am I on that one again?
Is the joke on me again?

Don’t you put it all on me
it’s not all me
You’re in this game of the Joker aswell

How much do you pretend
and how much do you dare?
You win some, you lose some

How much am I worth?

Fear is leaking through
As the eyeliner drops down the Joker’s cheek

”Let’s Put A Smile On Your Face”

And I’m all in.
Again.

Never.
Never ever for the rest of my life will I allow my heart to feel for someone.
If I could just accept that I am a piece of meat. I’m someone pretty in a webcam. That I’m something the guys have when their girlfriends aren’t around. If I could accept that, maybe I would stop feeling like the trash-piece-of-meat that I am.

I’m never your loved one.
I am never your lover.
I am your friend (at the best)
I am a piece of meat (at the worse)

I’m a joke.
I’m never anything serious to you.

And I’m not taking blame this time. I am the one trying to be good, trying to be nice, trying to be so much of myself.

I guess I’m trying too much.
I put my heart on the top-shelf now, in a box, putting it away. I’m done with this.

I’m someone to toy around with. My feelings are just a joke. I’m just a hot body. I’m just sex. I’m just shallow. I’m just emptiness.

I’m just a ”poor thing feeling mentally ill”
I’m someone to take care of.
I’m someone pretty in a webcam.
I’m just sex.
I’m just sex.
I’m just sex.
I’m just sex.
I’m a joke.

So shut the fuck up and go back to all your girlfriends.

Everytime I think it’s real… everytime I get hope…every-fucking-time.

How can I make myself go so far just cause I smell the scent of romance and love…and then I just get put in the junkyard?

I’m so done with love.
I’d shoot my heart out just to not have it.

Fuck love
Fuck peace
Fuck happiness and fairytales

I’m just a pretty shell…

Jag är så trött på att bli utnyttjad och låta mej utnyttjas…

So on friday I got home to Henke and we were gonna drink some booze and watch horrormovies. Sadly I drank too much and had a drunk panicattack, but Henke calmed me down and took care of me and I’m so grateful to have him as my friend.
Besides that mishap, the weekend turned out to be nice! I spent friday-sunday at his place and we were chilling and watching movies all days long, which was very relaxing. We also listened to some great music I like his music cause it’s often music from bands Ive never heard of before!
Today before I got back to my place, we ate at a chinese restaurant. I accidently bit my toungepiercing so that a tiny piece of my tooth fell off :p It sounds more horrible than it was though, and it didn’t really hurt.

Tomorrow I’m gonna try to sign in to the social services thing again, since they couldnt help me out on friday. Then after that I’m going to see a doctor and after that I’m gonna go to a place to get some information about further education. I have a lot of questions and I’m very interested in getting a good education now.

So yeah, I guess you can say that I do have some strength and motivation now to do something about my situation!

On tuesday I’m gonna spend two hours at the shrink so they can ‘examine’ my behaviour and thoughts and see if I have a mental illness or not. ‘mental illness’ sounds harsh though…’personality disorder’, I guess that’s a more suiting word.

I do know one thing, and this time I will FUCKING LEARN IT AND LIVE AFTER IT aswell:
I shall NOT drink alcohol. My depression, my panicattacks, my anxiety…everything gets 100% worse and I can’t predict when it will happen. Will it happen when Im in a bar? Will it happen when I’m on a concert? Will it happen at a friends place? I was lucky this time to have Henke there. I’ve had that shit happen before but luckily I’ve been at friends places, but still…I don’t want anyone to have to deal with me when I’m like that again…and what about next time? Yeah… so no more alcohol for me until I’ve fixed myself more…I’ve no fucking idea how long that will take, but I’m tired of having it like this.

I really long for tuesday…

Next week, tuesday the 13th I’m gonna go through an ‘interview’ with my psychologist (or a doctor, I’m not sure), which will (hopefully) set if I have Borderline Personality Disorder.

The interview thing will take about two hours. I’ve no idea what to expect…all I know is I want answers and in a weird way, it might seem, I want the psychologist/doctor to tell me that I do have BPD, cause I can’t stand not knowing what is up with me. Cause something is up. Something is wrong.

I got thoughts of suicide today..or just thoughts of wanting all the shit in my life to end now. I got a panic-attack early this evening after been talking to my dad on the phone, cause we talked about my life and the situation I’m in and (of course) started hating myself and my life.

Typical for me when I get the kinda panic-attack that I got today, is that I start crouching down towards the ground, not looking up with my head.. and I walk around…I must really look like a crazy person… reason I write this down is cause I always analyze things..and I want so bad to understand myself and I analyze my behaviour. I also avoid mirrors totally. Almost walking backwards into the bathroom to avoid seeing myself in the mirror, if I’m washing my hands I look down constantly at my hands so I won’t accidently look up in the mirror.

I didn’t harm myself physically this evening, but mentally. The voice in my head (my voice) screamed at me that I was worthless, that once again I start crying like a baby, that I can’t handle life. While my voice from my throat kept repeating:”No, no, no” and ”I don’t want to, I don’t want to”.
Managed to calm down, sitting on the floor leaning against my wardrobe. I managed to write on msn to this wonderful guy and he helped me through. Didn’t wanna talk on the phone while crying, cause I’ve learned it’s useless cause people never hear what I say.

Since I haven’t had this ”interview” yet, no doctor looking into my head yet, I have kinda self-diagnosed myself which I do not want and do not intend to do. But it is hard when I feel like 90% of the symptoms for Borderline Personality Disorder correspond so well with my feelings, my thoughts and my behaviour.

All I want is someone proffesional to tell me what is happening with me.
My parents thinks I’m lazy when it is about unmotivation. I’m not in bed all day cause I’m lazy. I just don’t have motivation to do anything with my life.
Good thing is though that I will really force myself out of bed tomorrow (in some hours that is). I will go outside, I will go to places I need to visit (about further education, my money situation, etc.) and I will take a walk with Henke through the city. I WILL do it. It takes me a LOT of effort to gather motivation, I need to start now before going to bed. I even made everything done for tomorrow; what papers I need to bring, what adresses and trains I have to go to/take and I put the purse ready by the door. All I have to do is get out of bed, get dressed and go…okey eating a sandwich too.

I can do this.

This is a wonderful song, by the way. I dedicate it to all my wonderful friends and I hope someone dedicates it back to me…
You think i’d leave your side baby
you know me better than that
you think i’d leave you down when you’re down on your knees
i wouldn’t do that
i’ll tell you you’re right when you want
and if only you could see into me

oh when you’re cold
i’ll be there
hold you tight to me

when you’re on the outside baby and you can`t get in
i will show you you’re so much better than you know
when you’re lost and you’re alone and you cant get back again
i will find you darling and i will bring you home

and if you want to cry
i am here to dry your eyes
and in no time
you’ll be fine

you think i’d leave your side baby
you know me better than that
you think id leave you down when you’re down on your knees
i wouldn’t do that
i’ll tell you you’re right when you want
and if only you could see into me

oh when you’re cold
i’ll be there
hold you tight to me
when you’re low
i’ll be there
by your side baby

oh when you’re cold
i’ll be there
hold you tight to me
oh when you’re low
i’ll be there
by your side baby

Have to try to sleep now..not tired though..

I got this nasty pain in my stomach, cause my thoughts won’t ever stop spinning. The pain went from my stomach, up through my chest and even to my neck, like someone stabbed me and cut me opened from stomach to the neck.

I’m terrified of being abandoned.
Of being left alone.
And I want to hurt myself for thinking like this tonight…for always thinking like this.
Now I’m afraid of being left by someone who haven’t even claimed me from the start.. He hasn’t picked me from the shelf where the other ragdolls sit. He hasn’t saved me. Yet I hope so bad and I hate it. Everytime I fall, I think someone will catch me, hold me, save me and make me feel safe and never abandon me..but then this terrifying thought strikes; What if I never get saved? What if no one ever catches me? What if I get abandoned again?

Everything scares me.. I’m scared of getting worse, scared of feeling great, scared of hoping, scared of loving…Scared of being abandoned.

This pain transforms into water that fills my eyes..

I want you so bad. Please want me too…claim me…let me be yours.

I wanna be loved by you
just you
Nobody else but you
I wanna be loved by you alone
I couldn’t aspire
to anything higher
than to feel the desire
to make you my own…

Well, sucks to be my blog-readers. Everything I had been writing for this post disappeared and I’m too fucking angry cause of it to re-write everything. And it was a POSITIVE post too!

Cunt.

The sweetest and most wonderful boy… I think I know him…I think that’s the guy I’ve been talking to for a little while now… Like he said to me:”Words can’t describe how wonderful you are”. Well, words here can’t explain how wonderful he is to me either.
He called me from his work today only cause I said I missed hearing his voice, and eventhough he couldn’t really talk on the phone while he was working. But those 2 minutes gave me such hope and happiness.

Damn it.

He cares so much…he asks me out of the blue about my depression ”Cause it’s important for me to know how you feel and that you feel good”. He tells me about his shit he’s been through. He gives me hope that I can make it through my shit aswell. He tells me I can trust him. He tells me he would never hurt me.

He tells me so many sweet things.
And I’m scared shitless.
Damn it.

I want him.

Damn it.
Damn it.
Damn it.

And there goes my heart again…

:-/

(I am thinking a lot about consequences this time though. I’m trying hard this time to keep my feet on the ground cause I don’t, no no no, pleaaaase, I don’t wanna get hurt again!!

I’ll meet him IRL in february.
Longing so much.
Trying not to.
Damn it.)

Jag fattar inte!!!!
Vad är det för fel på killar?! Allvarligt?! Eller nej, kanske vad är det för fel på mej?!
Jag orkar inte bli taffsad och knullad hela tiden längre, för HELVETE! Sluta att inte prioritera mej!! Jag orkar inte känna mej bort-prioriterad längre framför alla andra tjejer som tydligen har era hjärtan i brand, varför i helvete kommer ni till mej enbart för att ha sex?! Få mej att tro att jag är nån speciell, när man egentligen inte är ett skit i era ögon än en som knullar jävligt bra!
Fy fan!
Sluta få mej på fall med era jävla fina och vackra ord, när ni bara vill ha mej på rygg! När ni bara vill ha en fitta och stora bröst!
Sluta kommentera, sluta kladda, sluta få mej att snart inse att det enda jag nånsin duger åt åt en kille är att vara kåt…

”Porris” har känslor med, förstår ni. Men inget hopp eller förtroende kvar. Tack.

Jag orkar inte se er… Gå tillbaks till era jävla flickvänner och kärlekar och lev lyckligt i alla era dagar. Nån borde väl iaf få göra det…

Känner nån sej träffad så skiter jag faktiskt i det, så som ni skiter i mej.

I hate to be in love
I hate
to be
in loveI throw out
my heart
attached to a fishing line
but only sharks takes the bate
They eat it up
they chew my heart up
too much, before I manage to pull it back

I hate to be in love
I hate
to be
in love

I throw up
my guilt
and can’t pretend it’s fine
left in me is only bitternes and hate
it eats me up
it chew my heart up
too much, before I manage to pull it together

I hate to be so unhappy

Why does he have to have a goldfish
by his side already?

Why do never goldfishes take the bate
I’m not throwing out my heart in the wrong waters!

I will just now
from now on
never throw out my heart at all

it’s now in a clamshell
locked away
from the loveboat

I hate
to be
in love

******************

Sums up my feelings now pretty well…
I swore and cursed not to ever, EVER, give my heart to someone again, and what the fuck do I do? I give it away! Again, I get hurt. Cause boys never ever feel the same about me as I do about them. Why?

I keep having this sentence stuck in my head that a boy told me once:
”You’re not girlfriend-material”

I’m not girlfriend-material.
I start to believe shit like that..

I wish I didn’t fall so fast, so easily..but it’s like talking to a wall when I try to tell myself I’m doing wrong. My heart just doesnt listen.

”What can I do if you have deeper feelings for me than I have for you? I can’t change your feelings!?”
Ow.
Ow.
Ouch.
I could feel that pain right there. It was a big knife stabbing my butterflies.