so I’ve been really thinking about my money-situation for this coming month… it’s not as bad as I thought it would be, but I still need to loan money from my parents. And that’s never okey (for me). They’re getting frustraded and I know that if I can’t fix this and live without borrowing money all the time, I will probably have to move back to my parents place. And I’d rather kill myself. Really.
Anyway, so the lack of money this time wasn’t as bad as I thought. That’s what we call ”Tur i oturen” in swedish :p Still it doesn’t make me feel less fucked up…
I was at the shrink too today and I told him that I will try to get a job this summer. He thought it was a good idea. I’m just starting to work with this shrink and we haven’t really come to any agreement on what is wrong with me…but then again; no one seem to do… first I’m borderline, then I’m not, then I’m fobic… apparently I am still socially fobic though. Gonna work on that part…. first step: Getting a job and put myself out there in the situation I don’t wanna be in: Where I can be judged, a newbie, no people I know…etc. Scares the living shit out of me. But I know I can’t avoid life anylonger…

Everyday I wish that I didn’t know the difference between being happy with oneself and ones life, and to not to be. If I didn’t know the difference I wouldn’t know that I’m fucked up. I wouldn’t have to see other people happy and know that they manage to get out of their apartment each day and manage things that I can’t. And I wouldn’t hate myself this much for not being like the healthy people. I always said that there is no such thing as being Normal. But I know that I’m not Normal, so there must be people who are Normal.

Normal People:
- Goes to a job that they don’t like that much, but they manage it very good anyway
- Have hobbies/interests that they spend their sparetime on
- Do not hurt themselves more than, maybe, smoking
- Can talk to strangers through their jobs and look and act professional
- Can have a relationship and balance it

Not Normal People (Me in this case) :
- Can not work with something they don’t like. One panic, get anxiety and in the end stays at home
- Don’t have social hobbies at all and can’t find anything that interests one that much
- hurt themselves mentally everyday. Hurt oneself physically sometimes. And drink too much when opportunity comes.
- Are so insecure and can’t pretend to act professional or sound professional. It’s awkward.
-  freak ones partner out as much as one freak oneselves out.

And I know I used to say that being normal is boring…But I’d do everything to fit in now. I’d do everything to be normal.
I’m gonna apply to a cleaning company and see if I can get a job as a cleaner there. I need something normal cause my feeling that I don’t wanna live anymore is scaring me more and more each day…