so I’ve been really thinking about my money-situation for this coming month… it’s not as bad as I thought it would be, but I still need to loan money from my parents. And that’s never okey (for me). They’re getting frustraded and I know that if I can’t fix this and live without borrowing money all the time, I will probably have to move back to my parents place. And I’d rather kill myself. Really.
Anyway, so the lack of money this time wasn’t as bad as I thought. That’s what we call ”Tur i oturen” in swedish :p Still it doesn’t make me feel less fucked up…
I was at the shrink too today and I told him that I will try to get a job this summer. He thought it was a good idea. I’m just starting to work with this shrink and we haven’t really come to any agreement on what is wrong with me…but then again; no one seem to do… first I’m borderline, then I’m not, then I’m fobic… apparently I am still socially fobic though. Gonna work on that part…. first step: Getting a job and put myself out there in the situation I don’t wanna be in: Where I can be judged, a newbie, no people I know…etc. Scares the living shit out of me. 
But I know I can’t avoid life anylonger…
Everyday I wish that I didn’t know the difference between being happy with oneself and ones life, and to not to be. If I didn’t know the difference I wouldn’t know that I’m fucked up. I wouldn’t have to see other people happy and know that they manage to get out of their apartment each day and manage things that I can’t. And I wouldn’t hate myself this much for not being like the healthy people. I always said that there is no such thing as being Normal. But I know that I’m not Normal, so there must be people who are Normal.
Normal People:
- Goes to a job that they don’t like that much, but they manage it very good anyway
- Have hobbies/interests that they spend their sparetime on
- Do not hurt themselves more than, maybe, smoking
- Can talk to strangers through their jobs and look and act professional
- Can have a relationship and balance it
Not Normal People (Me in this case) :
- Can not work with something they don’t like. One panic, get anxiety and in the end stays at home
- Don’t have social hobbies at all and can’t find anything that interests one that much
- hurt themselves mentally everyday. Hurt oneself physically sometimes. And drink too much when opportunity comes.
- Are so insecure and can’t pretend to act professional or sound professional. It’s awkward.
- freak ones partner out as much as one freak oneselves out.
And I know I used to say that being normal is boring…But I’d do everything to fit in now. I’d do everything to be normal.
I’m gonna apply to a cleaning company and see if I can get a job as a cleaner there. I need something normal cause my feeling that I don’t wanna live anymore is scaring me more and more each day…
Maj…. Hun…what is ”normal” for one person isn’t exactly what another thinks is ”normal”.
Truth is, everyone has probs in day to day stuff…they just hide it better…wear the ”masks” that society says you must wear in order to perform everyday ”stuff” with other ”normal” people.
Get’s easier with practice, but, believe me, everyone has some sort of prob…but with ”practice” they are able to hide it… or ignore it.
When you first started writing, (if you are like the rest of us, lol) you tried over and over and over until you were able to get it ”right”…right? Got frustrated, but didn’t give up because it meant something more to you to write than to live without it.
Same applies to everything else in life.
Praise God you HAVE writing in your life to be able to work stuff out! Sadly, there are many, many, people whom do not have that outlet. So, right there, you are one step up from a large number of ”normal” people! LOL…writers/artists…are ANY of us what society considers ”normal”? We are sensitive to things that others blow off or simply do not understand or think they NEED to understand. Artistic people can get along fine with others, and enjoy company of others, but, it’s rather taxing to have to conform to the way others expect you to be, so, most prefer to be ”loners”…
…and, EVERYONE has ”relationship” probs with their boyfriends, girlfriends, husbands, wives, friends, siblings, parents, work, etc.,.
But, just like with when you started to walk…or to write, repetition makes things easier. Expecting too much out of yourself can really hinder your ”walk” in life. So you make errors. You’ll fall down and bump your head and bruise your body and feelings.Pick yourself up and start over again, and again, and again till you are comfortable with just one thing, then, broaden yourself a bit more and take a few steps more till you’re comfortable with THAT, then, extend yourself a little more…
You have an extra handicap, but, you also have an aid that many do NOT have…
Writing.
For me, I was able to accept my own ”uniqueness” early in life… in a strange way, being a victim of child abuse and having no-one to turn to, , I was able to seek out the God I heard about on the radio. God taught me to love myself… quirks and all.
All these years later, do I still have probs? Certainly! But God showed me that I could/CAN turn my weaknesses into strengths!
Best of all… being thought of, and accepted, as ”different”, is rather endearing instead of a curse.
I’m free to be ME!
With special regards, your facebook/yoville friend, sheri
I’m definately in the ”not normal people” group, but I don’t care, because being normal is freakish sometimes too, there is nothing good about being normal anyway.
Or maybe thats just because I’m not normail I think that… Hmm… xD