A hopeless and worthless case

Tomorrow the Uneployment Services are gonna call me. I told them last week that if I’ll ever function at a normal job, I need the help they can give me (it’s a program they have for disabled people (mentally in my case)). Since I’ve lost all hope on ever functioning at a job on my own, this is the last thing I try.

So close on giving up.
I told my Job-coach in an email that this is the last thing I try (the unemployment services program). She replied back that I was very good at trying and getting help for myself. That I was very constructive (or whatever it was). She didn’t react anything in the reply to the part where I had said that this is the absolute last thing I’ll try.
I don’t want people to think that I’m giving up without a fight. I feel like, no matter what I tell people on my blog or anywhere else, they still haven’t been in my shoes for the past 10 years, so they can’t possibly know how I feel. The hopelessness and the feeling in my soul, my thoughts about life, the society….
people can tell me things like: “don’t do that – you’ll end up in a vicious circle” and other things I already know. Still nothing can change my decisions, my reality, the life as I’m living it and seeing it.

I don’t want to feel bad anymore for not being able to have a job.
I don’t want to feel bad anymore about me letting people down, in some way.
I don’t want to feel bad everytime I’m trying something and it ends up with me being a fucking disastrous wreck
I don’t want to wake up in the morning having a panic-attack of anxiety because I feel like I have no reason to wake up (according to society!)

But no matter what I do or what I don’t do; I still feel like, if I can’t function properly in this society and being able to support myself economically, then I am a waste of life.
I am a complete waste of time for this society anyway.

Nothing motivates me to try to get a job anymore because I know how it ends, eventhough I try and am happy at first…
“But you seemed to like this job so much and you were so excited when you got the job!”
Yeah, I am. But then something happens with my soul and brain…something I can’t explain, or am tired of trying to explain..

There’s just no reason to try anymore.
I mean, there must be another reason for my life than running in a hamster-wheel and falling off all the time?

 

 

I haven’t physically hurt myself for a long time now, still I’m fighting everyday to stay awake in this painful reality

Fleamarket tomorrow

How the hell can I be so tired? I sleep more than our cats!

Yesterday: I got up around 6 in the morning to take the train to my apartment so I could leave the keys to the landlord cause he needed to get into my apartment during the day to fix the ventilation.
I bought some breakfast (cherries, a bottle of water and a banana) and ate it at the marketplace near my apartment, then I went to Vällingby and ran an errand at the bank. I walked around in the city until 10 when the stores opened. Did some checking around in the stores before I went back to my boyfriends apartment around 11.30. I was dead-tired but decided not to take a nap cause I had to be at the psychiatrist at 3 in the afternoon. My boyfriend went to a motorbike racing track at 14.00 and I went to the shrink.
When I got back, I was more tired, if that even was possible. I had a good session though. She made me feel less worthless and she gave me some hope that I could return to work on monday.
At 19.00 (7 in the evening), I decided to take a nap. I put the alarm on 10 (22.00) so that I wouldn’t sleep more than three hours.
Fail.
I woke up at 04 in the morning (after 9 hours). I took a shower, ate some breakfast and then went to bed again and woke up at 12 (7 more hours of sleep).
My head feels like marshmallows now.

Tomorrow I have to get up really early again (eventhough it’s saturday) cause me and some friends are gonna sell some stuff on a fleamarket in Täby. Marie will pick me up at 8 in the morning in Slussen and we’ll go by her car and meet up Emma and Emelie at the marketplace to set up our tables and such. I definately need to go to sleep in a normal time tonight to be able to look less like a zombie at the fleamarket tomorrow. Probably we’ll be there all day.

It reminds me; I have to write pricetags on the stuff I will sell. I was gonna upload a photo of the stuff I’ll sell, but my camera and laptop are being whores so apparently it doesn’t work. Motherfuckers.
Oh well…
time to get dressed and start this day.

Practical Help

Just got back after a session at the psychiatrist. I really needed that and it made me feel a bit better afterwards. I told her how worthless I think I am and we talked about my constant negative thoughts about myself… and she made me at least try to go to the job on monday and I will go to the Unemployment Service tomorrow and ask if I sign myself in there again, will I still have the opportunity to be under the “disability law”. If I do, then I will try to get them to help me by their SIUS program I was a part of some years ago that never really got started. When it DO start, it’s suppose to be helping people, almost like a personal assistant but limited to the job. For instance, that person could help me in the mornings by calling my cellphone to make sure I get up out of bed and also in some cases they can meet up on the way to the job and throughout the working day I can always contact that person if I would feel bad or such.

Great huh? Well, it’s paperworks to be done before any of that can happen, but since I already did that paperwork once, maybe it will get easier this time..
I just realize that I do indeed need a lot of help to deal with my everyday life if I am gonna be able to have a job.
I hope the unemployment service will help me out tomorrow. If they don’t; I’m screwed.

I’m one of those people who can talk a lot about me having mental problems, but when it comes to actually getting help and asking for help, I close myself like an oyster and the “I can do it on my own”-mentality kicks in.
Of course, now when I am thinking about really getting help with SIUS etc, it makes me feel more worthless since I deep down inside want to be able to fix life on my own and if I don’t, then I’m a fuck-up, according to my demons.

I’m hoping a lot.
It scares me.
Time to stop writing and time to stop to think.
I’ve been up since 06.00 this morning and it’s 5 in the afternoon now. I’m ready to fall asleep. zzzz…

Dream Interpretation

One of the stories in a lot of my dreams are that I re-visit my childhood.
In the dream I’m grown-up as now but I re-visit a place from my childhood and I see myself as a child (mostly kindergarten year) and also my friends/old classmates in that time.
The dream has different stories, meaning I’m not at the same place in the dreams all the time. Last night I was at my old school in one of the buildings that was connected to the school.
Every one of those dreams ends the same though; I pick up my cellphone or camera and try to take a photo of myself as a kid, to show my friends in this time that I re-visited my childhood. But everytime I manage to take photos of myself or my classmates (the scenery I see), the people in the photos (me and my friends) disappear and the only thing left on the photos are the building/garden etc where everything took place, but not as it looked in the past, only as it looks like now,  so I have no evidence that I actually did visit my past after all.

Sometimes during those dreams, I don’t know if the scenery is taken from real events from my childhood or if they are made up in the dream…I still don’t really know..

Any takes?

I’ll ask my shrink about it tomorrow, along with other fucked up things in my life right now..

Anxiety breakdown

So here we go again then:

I have a job (at a cleaning service). I will get to work daytime (I’m used to work afternoons and evenings because my anxiety is paralyzing me every morning).

BAM!
What happens? I wake up at 06.00 to get up to go to work and my anxiety is paralyzing me in bed and making me nauseous.

And I have to call in sick. First day of the new job.
It’s a circus that starts all over again, every fucking time…
I can’t describe the feeling in words..the feeling of being so absolutely worthless and a freak. I’m not normal and I can’t do normal things, like getting out of bed to go to a job. My anxiety is disabling me in bed at mornings and I am so scared it will affect my new job too much.
I will have to talk to the cleaning company and ask if I can start working in afternoons or something instead. I really don’t know..

People keep telling me, since years back, that I need to fight my anxiety when it is this bad. That no matter how I feel, I need to get out of bed and fight it and “it will get better”.
The thing is, I can’t even think those thoughts about fighting back. I’m fucking paralyzed in the mornings when anxiety hits me, and everything I try is making it worse

I’m a nervous wreck on the edge of a breakdown and I don’t know how to deal with this new job if I can’t even get out of bed in the mornings! I am gonna talk to my shrink about it and hopefully we’ll have a meeting to talk about it, but I know that she will only say:”You have to fight back and get out of bed no matter how you feel”. But when that doesn’t work??

I feel so worthless today. I don’t know how to solve this unless I can work afternoons instead of mornings. And I don’t want to keep telling new jobs all the time that I can’t work normal times cause I’m a fucking mentalcase! (well, I don’t tell them exactly that, but it’s basically what I mean..)

The tears are burning in my eyes right now

I JUST WANT TO BE NORMAL AND GET AWAY FROM MY FUCKING HEAD!!!

Boring friday 13th

I don’t get it why people are so obsessed with their social statuses. If you’re a high position at a job, what company you work for… I mean, I’m happy enough that I have a job now, even if it’s cleaning houses!
It bugs me the comments I get when I tell people about my new job at the cleaning company; “Great! You can search for a better job while you work there now!” and “That’s great and you know you don’t have to work there for the rest of your life!”

And I keep wondering why I’m content with having the cleaning company interested in me, while I get the news from my friends that they are having their own companies, they have a chief-position, they move out to the flashy places in Stockholm etc etc…
I know the answer though; a part of me is content because I have no belief in myself that I will ever do/work with anything “fancy” or have my own company and the other part of me has been struggling to get a job at all for 10 years that I give up looking for anything else now that I finally have one!

I have to stop feeling ashamed for myself and my life someday…

On wednesday next week I will start a theory course in the chemicals the company is using. I’m excited, but it means I won’t be able to go on the premiere for Pirates Of The Carribean 4 I called the cinema and asked if I could change the time on my ticket, but I could only get a refund and I won’t get that refund until tuesday anyway, so I have to be VERY lucky if there are tickets still left for the premiere on tuesday since it’s on wednesday! *sigh*
Oh well…my motto has to be: “At least I have a job”

This friday is boring… I’m sitting alone drinking the last glass of red wine and writing shipping quotes to the people around the world who wants to buy my My Little Ponies.
If anyone wants to do anything this weekend, hollar!

A job and summer weather

Hmmm…

So I was at this event that a cleaning company had last thursday. I had printed my CV and a personal letter to the company. While I got there I felt like I would never make it though, cause they had a note on the door saying that if you were looking for a job there but didn’t have any experience in the cleaning industry, you might aswell go home (no, it didn’t say exactly that, but it was what they meant ;p).

Somehow I managed to be persistent and make it my way through the questions they asked me (I have no experience in the cleaning industry) and they made me sign a paper.
The next day they called me and wondered if I still was interested in a job, of course I said Yes. They booked me for an information meeting on monday.
I got there and got information about how they work (they’re a company that cleans rich peoples houses and apartments, basically) and got signed to do a quick-course in the chemicals they are using next week….well….and after that, I will get to work there!!
I will work there for 6 months, if those months went okey then I will get to continue (hopefully fulltime)

I am still a bit schocked that everything went so fast. Normally no one ever answers my applications, and if they do, it’s a NO…
I can’t tell you all how fucking happy I am to get away from the social services!!

Now I will absolutely officially move in with my boyfriend! (though, I would anyway, but this has sparked my motivation ).
I’ll talk to the social services next week and tomorrow I’ll call the landlord to sign me off the apartment (I have to pay the rent for 3 more months though) and hopefully I will be on a roll towards a good thing!

My boyfriend has left Sweden to work in Austria for two weeks, so I’m alone with the cats. I do hope I will start working soon…

It has been summer weather for days now! It’s great! Tomorrow I might be outside a bit more..at least I have to go to the library to return a book…

I need to start selling my MLP collection, so I’m in the middle of taking photos of them all. It’s about 100 of them so it takes time >.< hopefully I will have them up for sale on MLPArena.com this coming week though! A friend of mine will help me out with sorting the payments and so (since the social services still checks my bank account for extra money they can steal…), which is great! I know I have some that will give me a good buck cause of the rarity of them! hmmm… need to take the rest of the photos now by the way..

U-landsproblem

Feel like writing this entry in swedish….

Jag mår så illa att jag vill köra ner toalettborsten i halsen… för att få ur all jävla skit! Men såklart sitter inte skiten i magen, utan det sitter ju i huvudet. Men det är ju enklare att få ut skit fysiskt än psykiskt…eller nåt..

Jag måste pantsätta något imorgon för att ha råd med en räkning som på något sätt inte betalades tillsammans med dom övriga den 28′e… Har redan lånat en förmögenhet av föräldrarna förra månaden för att inte hamna hos kronofogden, men ändå är denna jävla räkning kvar eftersom den inte drogs?!
Har redan pantsatt min förlovningsring, det gjorde jag förra året. Nu måste jag leta efter fler juveler i mitt skrin hemma i Hässelby imorgon.
Jag ska på en rekryteringsträff imorgon bitti och borde såklart sova nu, men så fort jag lade mej i sängen kom illamåendet över pengarna som jag måste fixa fram jävligt snabbt.
Hur kan sånna här viktiga saker i livet vara det som fuckar upp det för mej jämt? Jag orkar inte ens gråta över att jag aldrig kan vara kvar på något arbete när jag väl lyckas med att få ett (och det är alltid minst ett års arbetslöshet mellan mina jobb har jag märkt) eller att jag alltid hamnar i ekonomisk skit. (“hamnar i” är väl fel ordval..jag har inte nånsin kommit ur det…)
Jag kommer låta mina föräldrar stå som God Man för mej snart….antingen det eller så tvingar jag väl mej själv att flytta tillbaka till föräldrarna igen…fast då kan jag ju lika gärna skjuta mej i huvudet, det är ju det enklaste sättet att bli av med all jävla skit. Synd att jag är livrädd för att dö…eller “synd”..jag vet inte… borde väl säga “BRA” att jag inte är det.

Hur ska jag kunna vara uppe tidigt till rekryteringen imorgon när det enda som kommer få mej att kunna sova inatt är en halv överdos av Theralen, vilket kommer medföra att min hjärna kommer sova hela dagen imorgon också även fast jag fysiskt sätt är vaken?
Hur ska jag kunna presentera mej själv som någon som ett företag vill ha, när min själ vill ut ur min kropp av självhat och ångest?
Hur ska jag kunna le och vara trovärdig när jag inombords gråter och vill slänga mej ner på knä framför cheferna och be dom hjälpa mej ifrån att hamna hos fogden? För det är bara det som kommer hjälpa; Ett jobb snabbt som fan.

Och jag är så otroligt dålig på att ljuga för andra.
(Förstår ni när jag säger att min Jobbcoach gav mej rådet att inte vara så ärlig på rekryteringen? Då har man problem med att ljuga :p)

Jag vet inte hur jag ska göra nu. Lägger jag mej i sängen igen utan Theralen så får jag panikångest-attack när mina tankar snurrar och logiken försvinner. Tar jag theralen kommer jag med 90% risk inte kunna ta mej ur sängen imorgon.
Hur som helst kommer jag förbli jävligt trött och mina ekonomiska problem kommer förbli olösta klockan 10 imorgon. Jag måste ju till lägenheten och rensa ut allt som jag kan tänkas pantsätta också, så någon gång måste jag ju upp i tid imorgon…

Fan fan fan fan fan fan fan fan fan fan fan fan

Ungefär såhär går mina tankar i sängen inatt:
“Hur i helvete ska jag få fram pengar till räkningen imorgon?” –> “Nej, inte tänka på det nu! Nu ska jag sova, jag kan ändå inte göra någonting åt det här inatt” –> “Helvete vad jag kommer ha panik över att fixa pengar imorgon!” –> “Sluta nu! Lugna ner dej, tänk på andningen, klappa på din katt, andas lugnt och tänk på My Little Ponies” –>”Ja! Jag kan sälja hela min My Little Pony samling! Fast helvete, kan ju inte få den såld imorgon, det tar ju flera dagar att sälja det…” –>”Sluta tänk!! Soooov….blunda och andas lugnt”—>”Undrar om jag har kvar guldhalsbandet med hjärtat på som jag fick när jag döptes…det borde ju vara värt något?” —>”Håll käften! Nu får jag panik för jag inte kan sluta tänka och jag kan inte ens blunda! Nej, lugn nu…luuuugn och fin” –>”Shit, klockan är redan 01, jag ska upp och fixa rekryteringsträffen om några timmar!” —>”shhh, tänk på en vaggvisa” –>…
Ja..och så hamnar man framför datorn för att jag måste få ur all skit som inte får rum i mitt huvud och jag vill inte väcka min pojkvän av att jag tjuter och har panik.

Avoiding panic

Still shook up about yesterday (read yesterdays blog entry).
Today I was so close to give up everything and just not get out of bed…not go to the bathroom, not get anything to eat… after some hours I forced myself though, but I’m not sure why anymore..
Anyways, I’ve taken a shower, put on clothes and I’m eating sandwiches, but that only makes me feel physically okey…nothing ever makes me feel mentally okey..
I am suppose to be doing a paper for the jobcoach I’ll meet tomorrow, but I’m just staring at the paper…unable to focus on anything to write, not knowing why to bother…

I’m losing the will… I might not even make it into the Jobcenter tomorrow if I feel like this by then, but I have to talk to someone, they have to see me and hear me when I talk about how close I am on giving up..
On friday I will meet my shrink…I don’t know if I wanna tell her to get me on stronger medication, to medicate myself away or if I’ll tell her if she has seen me improve anything at all, cause everything I do feels useless.

People pet me on the head, smiling their fake smiles while they whisper to eachothers behind my back:”She is crazy and have bad luck with her life, you know”.

Yesterday people made me feel like maybe I should be locked up, cause apparently I’m just getting worse and worse when I speak my mind…
Ugh, nevermind, I don’t wanna go into that shit again.

As I was laying in bed today, I slowly stroke Kongo over her back and she purred, and I tried to focus on the feeling of her soft fur against my hand…you know, that’s what the doctors tells you to do when you suffer a panic-attack or your head just mess you up get you tangled in your thoughts; Touch something and focus on how it feels when you touch it and hold it. Focus so intense until that is all that is occupying your head.
It usually works for me. It did today too since I’m out of bed

I’m getting worried about myself.
Not that I haven’t had panicattacks or felt hopeless before, but this time it feels like it’s rooted so deep in me and my soul. It paralyze my thinking.

I took a bath in the tub aswell to try to focus on the feeling of the warm water around me. It helped a bit aswell, but I felt like a zombie or something..I can’t even describe how I felt..

This shit must end and I wish friday was tomorrow so I could speak to my shrink…I know I can call her any day to talk, but speaking on the phone doesn’t feel right this time..

I hate that somewhere people/friends are reading this and shake their heads going:”See, this is why she writes weird stuff; cause she’s a lunatic who needs help. That’s why we shouldn’t bother with what she tells us on Facebook cause it’s not what she really means, it’s her disease speaking”

No, dear friends. It is not.

Fucked up Child

So much hatred towards the human being and people around me…
I’m starting to fear for my own health and “friends” are backing away from me cause I talk about things that only upset them…
I’m starting to dislike myself a lot… I wish I didn’t have this consciousness that I have..I wish I wasn’t emotionally intellectual… I can’t select things to care about, as I can’t select things not to care about… and whenever I think I have selected; people makes me feel like it’s all wrong anyway, that I am wrong, that my head is wrong…and I start to believe them..
Whenever I speak my mind and it gets uncomfortable, people always attacks me with the words that “oh but you have a disease, you’re not mentally stable”..which makes me hate myself for ever being so open about my mental health, cause when you have a mental problem but very strong opinions, it’s easier for people to pull out that crap in their defence and since it is a weak point, sure I can yell back things like:”What the fuck does my depression has to do with anything, you asshole?”, but afterwards I crawl into a tiny ball of shit and want to disappear. Want to disappear because I have these thoughts, because I hate, because people throw rocks at me like I’m a monster as soon as I open my mouth and my mind…
Someone once told me not to hide behind my disease, but what about others using it to their defence?
I can’t talk about anything without offending people and without hearing:”Linda, I like you, but what you just said offended me so much!”
Well what do you want from me? I know what you want…you want the Linda I was when I was a kid (eventhough most of you didn’t know me back then). Let me tell you about why I do this, let me tell you about why I hate and why I’m depressed and why “I am like this”:
See, in 1984 I wasn’t suppose to live. I was holding hands with Death the second I was born and people who saved me actually said at first that my parents should plan my funeral and not celebrate my birth. But yes, I survived, I’ve been through challenges and in 1990 I was probably the most scared kid you had ever seen. I was afraid to breathe (later in my years I learned I had panic attacks and I wasn’t actually choking out of the blue), I was afraid to speak (eventhough doctors said it was a miracle how good I spoke!), I was afraid of other kids, I was afraid of adults cause they drank alcohol and got wasted and were loud-mouths… I was afraid of water, of air, of getting splinters in my fingers, of getting dust in my eyes and the list can take up more pages than the Bible.

That was my childhood.
And I turned towards liking animals and pets better than people cause I didn’t have to endure taking any shit from animals. That’s why I still am passionate about animals and their welfare.
I grew up watching Wars on TV, being scared of the news (I always ran out of the room when the news came on), being scared of loud noises like car-horns or when the toaster popped.
I grew up thinking that something was fucking wrong with society but no one said anything or did anything about it.
I grew up caring for the planet, the earth, the nature, donating money to the WWF and picking up trash around my neighborhood.

I was a great kid. I had so much hidden passion and so much conscious. I knew right from wrong and I never dared to do wrong. I never lied. I never dared.
Still the shit in my head, my good thoughts and my conscious for the environment became a whirldwind in my head and I cried thousands of nights, wanting it all to go away so I could sleep!

I’m the same kid 27 years later, hating kids cause they fucked up my own childhood, hating the News cause they don’t tell the whole truth, being afraid of loud noises cause it catches me as soon as I put down my guard for a second.
I’m diagnosed with Depression, anxiety and social phobia (mild).
This life made me sick from the start. Death didn’t take me that second in 1984, but now in 2011 I’m still as fucked up and scared as I was back in the 80′s and 90′s.

I don’t want you to feel sorry for me.
I want you to understand me, but yeah, that’s too much to ask for…
I’ve become more bitter than ever, still hating that I can’t block out the things that other people just wave their hand at and it’s gone from their minds; wars, poverty, murders, environmental disasters, all the fucking lies coming in wrappings marked ‘Religion’, ‘Leaders’, ‘Politics’, ‘Saviors’.

And I want nothing else than to learn how you all manage. How the fuck do you manage to cave in so much that you without ever thinking about consequences bring up more human beings/kids, keep driving your environmental dangerous cars, wear another living beings skin on your own, smear color on your cheeks that rabbits get forcefed in cages….Please, how on earth do you live with yourselves? How come I grew up becoming like this and you didn’t? How can you close your eyes and keep going in this huge mental lie of machinery? I’m the one who has to take medicine to be able to sleep at night! I have to eat a high dose of anti-depressants to even function on a daily basis and still I’m writing poem after poem, blog entry after blog entry about this bitter rag I’ve kept chewing since 1990!

I just feel like I’m a bystander, I’m watching everything going to Hell…. but when I keep warning you, you all yell at me for being intolerant about others feelings, about others lives! Well, I’m sorry I fucking cared in the first place..

No one wants to hear my thoughts. No one wants to hear my opinions…times like these I wonder why I did manage to get a good voice with no speaking problems. Times like these I wonder why I still am the only one with these feelings and with this ability to write, when all I do is “upsetting people”.

I was a very lonely kid. But I see now I never stopped being that kid.

I’m so fucking fed up of all of you, you have no idea. I really wonder why I even bother…