Letting out pain

I’ve made it through the scariest time of my life. Not going into details, but it’s the reason why I’ve been absent from social sites on the internet for 2 weeks..
And yesterday it all got solved and I felt happy, I could eat a normal meal without puking for the first time in 2 weeks! I felt happy and like I could make it through this shit of a life after all, since I felt strong.

Then another part of reality hit me and life made it very clear for me that Oh hell no, I’m not going nowhere with my life! I’m a fuck-up, a loser, a mental case, good-for-nothing and I’m staying in this shit system called life unless I actually make up my mind about killing myself!

There’s no way out for me and there’s no light cause as soon as I get a glimpse, a tiny ray shining down on me and I allow myself to feel strong, I get knocked down twice as hard, reminding me of my place in this freak show and nut-house.

And I’m tired of escaping to music and movies and shit that don’t matter, cause in the end I’m always crouched in a corner, crying and wanting everything to stop spinning around me and I get reminded to NOT EVER FEEL like I was strong, NOT EVER THINK that maybe there is a purpose for me here on earth!

So I start with my self punishment again for being so incredible STUPID as to believe that there is something for me in this life! I’m such a stupid fucking idiot to think that I would make this and become something that I would be proud of!
I can’t do this, I can’t do this fucking thinking and have this fucking mental-suicide brain of mine and at the same time be punished for letting myself think that I might be GOOD FOR SOMETHING, even for a second! I’m so fucking fed up with battling with my own mind all the time and constantly get proved by this society that I sure as hell ain’t nothing! Ever!

I hate life!! I hate MY life!! I hate myself!! I hate my depression, my anxiety, my moodswings, my thoughts, my brain, I hate life!!

Reunion – baby and mommy!

Two boys came up to me yesterday and said that there was a cat wandering around in a basement across the street.
They led me to the apartment and down three floors (!) to the basement and there was my cat Kongo! I have no idea how she managed to get all the way down there, but she’s been missing since two days before New Years, so I was SO happy to find her safe and sound!
Problem now is that she wants to go outside very badly again and I won’t let her cause I’m scared of losing her again…. that’s a price I’ll have to pay though I guess :-/ I’ll see for how long I can keep her indoors and only take her out for a walk on the leash…
I’m not as depressed anymore (back to normal depression) and I’ve started eating now that my baby is back
Here’s a photo I took of her yesterday after the reunion, when she’s sleeping safe and sound in my lap!