Letting out pain

I’ve made it through the scariest time of my life. Not going into details, but it’s the reason why I’ve been absent from social sites on the internet for 2 weeks..
And yesterday it all got solved and I felt happy, I could eat a normal meal without puking for the first time in 2 weeks! I felt happy and like I could make it through this shit of a life after all, since I felt strong.

Then another part of reality hit me and life made it very clear for me that Oh hell no, I’m not going nowhere with my life! I’m a fuck-up, a loser, a mental case, good-for-nothing and I’m staying in this shit system called life unless I actually make up my mind about killing myself!

There’s no way out for me and there’s no light cause as soon as I get a glimpse, a tiny ray shining down on me and I allow myself to feel strong, I get knocked down twice as hard, reminding me of my place in this freak show and nut-house.

And I’m tired of escaping to music and movies and shit that don’t matter, cause in the end I’m always crouched in a corner, crying and wanting everything to stop spinning around me and I get reminded to NOT EVER FEEL like I was strong, NOT EVER THINK that maybe there is a purpose for me here on earth!

So I start with my self punishment again for being so incredible STUPID as to believe that there is something for me in this life! I’m such a stupid fucking idiot to think that I would make this and become something that I would be proud of!
I can’t do this, I can’t do this fucking thinking and have this fucking mental-suicide brain of mine and at the same time be punished for letting myself think that I might be GOOD FOR SOMETHING, even for a second! I’m so fucking fed up with battling with my own mind all the time and constantly get proved by this society that I sure as hell ain’t nothing! Ever!

I hate life!! I hate MY life!! I hate myself!! I hate my depression, my anxiety, my moodswings, my thoughts, my brain, I hate life!!