Borderlined..

Yesterday I felt okey and hopeful…is anyone surprised that I feel like shit today? No. It’s always like that; I feel okey or very good one day, then the next day I feel like killing myself.
I’ve felt so shitty today…being close to tears all day when I was with my boyfriend and when I got back home, I just started crying, hating myself, losing my appetite etc etc…
I want so bad to be someone else, wishing that I turned out to be a different person than the one I am…constantly having a battle inside of me with this person I want to be VS the person I am… I feel so unlucky and so unhappy about life…I feel like I had the whole life ahead of me as a kid, like all kids…and then I end up hating myself, getting depression, losing hope etc etc..
I want something different for myself, I’ve always wanted that. But I’ve always been standing in my own way, with a brain that keeps telling me that I’m not even worth dirt under someones feet, that I’m a worthless piece of shit, that I shouldn’t try out new things cause I’ll fail anyway..It’s a voice in my head I’ve had all my life and it’s always there and so familiar to me that I hardly fight back when I hear it, like I don’t even think it’s wrong.
My shrink keeps telling me to get up my hopes about myself, to fight this voice, but I’ve been living with this voice for 27 years. It’s stronger than me.

I feel like my life is empty and the hatred I have for myself is keeping me away from doing anything about it, and knowing that it does, it just paralyzes me, making me feel nauseous and it makes me break down and cry..and so goes the never-ending circle..

I can’t even be happy that I will get to bake and decorate cupcakes in a proffesional cupcake bakery, eventhough it’s been a dream of mine for awhile! My thoughts, myself, is blocking my happiness as usual and the only thoughts going through my head are the usual ones:”You’re worthless! Why would you fit in at the bakery? Why would they like you being there? You need to be SO good and bake the best cupcakes ever, or else you FAIL!”

I know it’s stupid, but today I tried to play a game that my boyfriend really likes and I know his ex-girlfriend plays it with him and I wanted to feel like I was a “cool girlfriend” too, cooler than his ex! So I tried to play the game, but as usual my head kept telling me to stop trying cause I would suck. So of course I started cursing at the game and stopped playing in the middle of it and started sulking. I even told my boyfriend that I only tried to play just so that I could feel like I was as good as his ex…. he thought i was being silly, but the truth is that I keep trying so hard to be like everyone else, no matter how! I want to be like everyone else, I want to feel like I’m as good as everyone else, no matter in what!  My head is playing this trick on me:”Go on! You HAVE to prove you’re good at this, eventhough you’ve never done it before and will surely FAIL! And you will fail cause you’re worthless!”
And I can’t stop feeling like such a fucking loser. I can’t stop feeling like I need to be like everyone else…I need to be like the ex-girlfriend who is my boyfriends best friend, cause otherwise he will (in my head anyway), go back to her when he realizes how worthless I am, even in such petty things like a fucking videogame!

*sigh*
I’m crying really hard now while I write this because it pains me so bad to write the things that are in my head, cause they’re so fucking painful and so illogical, but the only way for me to even be close with dealing with it, is to write it out.
I used to write good poems, but I can’t even do that anymore…

Over and out.