Friend in another continent

I keep feeling like I should update my blog, but I really don’t have anything to write :-/
I sleep a lot and feel like I have no motivation or reason to be awake…hmmm, what more can I tell… I’ve started an Avengers roleplay with an old rp-friend of mine who wanted to do some fun imagination again, so I’m dusting off my rp and storytelling skills. My friend lives in Africa, since she works there, and I’m kinda jealous about that! Or maybe I’m just jealous about the fact that she has something to wake up to everyday :p
Anyways, since my blog is boring, you can google-translate her Africa-blog (it’s written in dutch) and read about her work and life in Africa ;D
http://ansinafrika.waarbenjij.nu/ 

With Great Responsibility Comes…..

It takes SO much energy to be a “thinking consumer”. I can’t buy animaltested products cause I hate myself a lot if I do that, I want to buy natural cosmetics with no chemicals, parabens, sulfates etc, but right now my brain is exploding by all this “do good” stuff I FORCE myself to do!
As soon as I find out that a company that I once trusted suddenly is supporting animaltesting, then my whole world turns upside down and I must find another company, a better one! Why can’t I just tell myself that I do the best I can for the environment, the animals and myself and just accept that I can’t be a perfect human being who takes on all responsibility for animals and the environments wellfare? *sigh*

I’m going to The Body Shop tomorrow cause they have a product that I want, but ever since I found out that LÓreal is owning The Body Shop, I’m very sceptic, but I still love The Body Shops products, those haven’t changed, but it’s messing with my mind the fact that LÓreal owns it now…it’s like I suddenly feel dirty when I walk into a Body Shop store and I hate myself for having this pressure on me and the ability to feel so much guilt for liking a company that I can’t support to 100%

I need to sleep now and stop to think. It’s better that way :p 

Anger Management?

for about a week (or more?) I’ve really felt the anger inside of me and today it really hit me. Or no, it hit me yesterday when I freaked out at a friend of mine and sent her a nasty textmessage…no wait, it was some days before that when I saw my boyfriends ex-girlfriend and I sent him a nasty textmessage…hmm.. nevermind, I’ve been acting on my feelings a lot lately and I’m not supposed to do that.
So yesterday I freaked out at a friend and told her the anger of my heart and how I felt about a situation we were in. She texted me back some hours later, but I didn’t dare to look at the textmessage. I knew I shouldn’t have texted her in my moment of anger and I was a bit scared of what her reply would be. Today I faced my consequences and checked her message. It said “go to hell”. I couldn’t cause I’m already there, but I send her a message today telling her I was sorry. She didn’t reply and that’s fair enough.
I felt like crying all day so I went home from my boyfriend earlier than I thought I would. Back home I just laid down in my couch and felt the rage consume me. I closed my eyes, gritted my teeth and just started hating my life, my emotions, how I act upon my intense emotions and hurt others…and then I started a textmessage-fight with my boyfriend cause the anger wouldn’t let go. Eventually I was so mentally exhausted that I fell asleep and told my boyfriend that I would talk to him more tomorrow.

I just hate everything. I hate my therapy, I hate myself, my emotions, my incapability of handling them, I hate my incapability of handling my life, my days, I hate it that I sleep. I sleep much cause I hate being awake and being in this head. 
And when I sleep, I usually have nightmares, so what the fuck matters.

I haven’t physically hurt myself for a very long time, but two days ago I was laying in my couch and having vivid thoughts about how I hurt myself…violent images…it helped for the moment instead of me actually hurting myself. So I guess that’s good. I don’t know. 

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Socio

I’m starting this blog entry with a quote from Stone Sours song “Socio” – One of the songs in the world that pin-points my own life and feelings…

“Freedom in a cage, no sun and too much rage, I don’t know how much I can take
Push it down inside, but it knows just where I hide. I know that “normal” is hard to fake.
Bleeding into life, it’s like a thousand knives are slowly turning me to this.
Why does it have to be like this?”

“Living with a curse, sometime’s it’s even worse. It slowly kills me everyday. Something I despise is gonna take my life, I guess I’ll try again today….”

I’ve been at the emergency hospital sunday evening and on monday cause I had pain on the left side of my stomach. The doctors couldn’t find anything and I totally freaked out and started panicking, preparing to die.
Now, yesterday I had a flood by the size of niagara falls of blood in my pants. Meaning; Menstruation.
Which lead me to think that my pain is caused by menstruation. I have never had pain when I had my period, so of course how was I to know how it would feel?
Now, all of this is because I started with a new Birth-control method. And if it’s like this next month aswell, I will abandon this method. It’s not worth the pain and the panic I get. Eventhough now I know what it’s apparently about, I know I will freak out the next month aswell.
So – Hospital visits, pain and the feeling of total stupidity when I realized the pain was something from a normal thing like the period – has drained me emotionally and mentally this time.

I feel like shit.
I’m trying to figure out how to continue to live on this life when I can’t afford my bills, almost every month.
I’m tired of crying on the train home, having strangers giving me tissues to wipe away my tears.
I’m tired of borrowing money
I’m tired of having a brain that put on panic mode as soon as I feel a bit of pain (only then to realize that it was probably normal if you’re a woman..).
I mean, I used to go to the hospital for EVERYTHING some years ago, when I had my most hypochondric period of my life. I’m not sure I want to live if I start having a period like that again

I cried of anger over myself on the train home from my boyfriend today. My boyfriend is the best boyfriend in the world and I love him so much, but since I hate my life and I get this depressed and so on, it puts a lot of strain on him… I don’t know what to do He feels shitty cause I feel shitty and I don’t want it to be like that, but I can’t change…this is who I am. This is my life.

If I was able to go to work every day like a normal person, I would have money and I would be able to afford my therapy-sessions, my rent, my other bills….but it’s not like that at all for me.
I’m sinking in tar, as I wrote about in one of my poems last year… I’m stuck and I can’t help but to think about suicide or at least some other option than this life.
I would never be able to pull off suicide though. But it’s like I’m standing infront of a wall, my back against it and infront of me is the life, pushing me so hard backwards I’m almost inside of the fucking wall now.

One time I thought I could make money by being a poet. I have had poems published and gotten money for it…a very small sum, but at least it was something. Now I can’t find any strength in me to even try anymore. I’m only writing for myself to let out pain. I’ve always done that and I will probably continue to do that until the pain consumes me and kills me. But in the meantime, I don’t know how to continue living without numbing myself somehow, but my shrink won’t let me numb!!

I’m thinking about moving away from Stockholm, where I’ve been living for 5 years or something now. It’s too expencive. But then again, where the fuck is the city where I can be like this and feel like I can afford it? It’s nowhere. It might be in a padded room, but then I’d still have to pay the rent for that room and if I can’t, then the bills will go to my parents…
I’m a burden.
I’m a burden cause I can’t live on my own money. I’m a burden to society and to my parents, my boyfriend, my friends, cause I have to loan money all the time…  I’ve actually started selling stuff I own to be able to pay. I don’t know what more to sell except for myself now..
I’m not living MY life… I’m surviving this life cause I have nice people around me who are lending me money, but still it’s not enough, cause I’m so tired. I’m SO tired. I’m worn out.

I have to move away from here, but to where? My parents place? And I still need therapy…I think…so I would still have to get that somewhere.

I wish, so hard…if there was a God, something almighty that controled our lives, if the Bible wasn’t just a fiction book. If I wasn’t so fucking in touch with feelings, if I was gullible, if I was naive, if I was stupid, if I could pretend…I would give everything to become stupid, naive, gullible, a believer in a God or something almighty.
I would do ANYTHING to be able to fake. To be able to supress. To be able to go to a job. To be able to be misled. To be able to just have what normal people have; Something that makes them be able and capable to survive this life and go to a job everyday and just fix it. Fix their bills etc…

I really don’t know how to survive this anymore.

Push it down inside, but it knows just where I hide. I know that “normal” is hard to fake. 
Bleeding into life, it’s like a thousand knives are slowly turning me to this…

Spend No Money Day – Don’t Support Corporation Greed!

February 25th 2012 will be a day of silent protest. This will be a day about love and communication not corporations. A spend no money day.
This event is a platform. It is a day that people can by choice, choose not to spend money as a way of objecting to greed and the system at large. Once we make an impact we would like to do this once a month for longer periods of time.
JOIN THE PROTEST! and if you must shop – SHOP LOCAL!

(Of course doing your “silent protest” everyday is what everyone should do, sadly tons of people don’t and that’s why I share this event, to gain awareness to those who don’t know about this, to at least join in this day and hopefully get enough information for them to do it everyday in their life )

Vintage

I’m very excited about starting to work at the cupcake bakery in two days, but I’m also very excited on going to my first Burlesque show the 10th march with my boyfriend! We’ll be dressing up in vintage style a la 1930-ish and I’m already planning on what I will wear. Most of it is already finished though.
The burlesque show will take place in a club here in Stockholm with some of the finest swedish (and european) artists and performancers. I can hardly wait to get the feeling of going back in time…!

Borderlined..

Yesterday I felt okey and hopeful…is anyone surprised that I feel like shit today? No. It’s always like that; I feel okey or very good one day, then the next day I feel like killing myself.
I’ve felt so shitty today…being close to tears all day when I was with my boyfriend and when I got back home, I just started crying, hating myself, losing my appetite etc etc…
I want so bad to be someone else, wishing that I turned out to be a different person than the one I am…constantly having a battle inside of me with this person I want to be VS the person I am… I feel so unlucky and so unhappy about life…I feel like I had the whole life ahead of me as a kid, like all kids…and then I end up hating myself, getting depression, losing hope etc etc..
I want something different for myself, I’ve always wanted that. But I’ve always been standing in my own way, with a brain that keeps telling me that I’m not even worth dirt under someones feet, that I’m a worthless piece of shit, that I shouldn’t try out new things cause I’ll fail anyway..It’s a voice in my head I’ve had all my life and it’s always there and so familiar to me that I hardly fight back when I hear it, like I don’t even think it’s wrong.
My shrink keeps telling me to get up my hopes about myself, to fight this voice, but I’ve been living with this voice for 27 years. It’s stronger than me.

I feel like my life is empty and the hatred I have for myself is keeping me away from doing anything about it, and knowing that it does, it just paralyzes me, making me feel nauseous and it makes me break down and cry..and so goes the never-ending circle..

I can’t even be happy that I will get to bake and decorate cupcakes in a proffesional cupcake bakery, eventhough it’s been a dream of mine for awhile! My thoughts, myself, is blocking my happiness as usual and the only thoughts going through my head are the usual ones:”You’re worthless! Why would you fit in at the bakery? Why would they like you being there? You need to be SO good and bake the best cupcakes ever, or else you FAIL!”

I know it’s stupid, but today I tried to play a game that my boyfriend really likes and I know his ex-girlfriend plays it with him and I wanted to feel like I was a “cool girlfriend” too, cooler than his ex! So I tried to play the game, but as usual my head kept telling me to stop trying cause I would suck. So of course I started cursing at the game and stopped playing in the middle of it and started sulking. I even told my boyfriend that I only tried to play just so that I could feel like I was as good as his ex…. he thought i was being silly, but the truth is that I keep trying so hard to be like everyone else, no matter how! I want to be like everyone else, I want to feel like I’m as good as everyone else, no matter in what!  My head is playing this trick on me:”Go on! You HAVE to prove you’re good at this, eventhough you’ve never done it before and will surely FAIL! And you will fail cause you’re worthless!”
And I can’t stop feeling like such a fucking loser. I can’t stop feeling like I need to be like everyone else…I need to be like the ex-girlfriend who is my boyfriends best friend, cause otherwise he will (in my head anyway), go back to her when he realizes how worthless I am, even in such petty things like a fucking videogame!

*sigh*
I’m crying really hard now while I write this because it pains me so bad to write the things that are in my head, cause they’re so fucking painful and so illogical, but the only way for me to even be close with dealing with it, is to write it out.
I used to write good poems, but I can’t even do that anymore…

Over and out.

Love and support and mental health

I do not approve of this new wordpress layout…

Anyway..I’m sitting here drinking red wine from a coffee cup….that brings back memories of when I lived at Edgware Road in London. One hot summerday I sat in the livingroom on a chair by the window, drinking a coffee cup of red wine and watched people and cars pass by on the street below my window.
This time it’s not as fun to drink wine though..I do it to forget..
I still dream nightmares about the situation I had to go through about a month ago.. and I had to ask my parents for money to the rent this month…. I’ve made some drastic changes to my VISA-card and bank account though, I hope it will help me to stop buying shit that put me in distress at the end of each month!
I wouldn’t survive without my parents support and help and I told my dad that today. I am so grateful and if I won 10 billions, I would give half of it to my parents with no question!
I wouldn’t survive living in this big city if it wasn’t for them and yes I have thought a lot of times of moving away from here, to a smaller place…but this has become my home and this is my life here. I have to struggle, but I have to make it. To start all over and leave my friends and everything here would make everything worse for me..

I saw that I hadn’t been very active at the rehab in january, so I’m trying to shape up and be there everyday now in february. January was a shitty month. I will have to gain more strength and fix this now this month.
One really good thing that gives me hope is that I will with about 99% certainty get to work-practice at a cupcake bakery this month! It’s like a dream for me, to try it out and I’m SO excited! If all goes well, I might start there in two weeks. Please, some higher power (NO GOD), make it happen. I need it.

My psychiatrist is very optimistic that I will start DBT soon aswell. I thought she wasn’t…don’t know why, but last meeting she sounded like I will get to go DBT there. Which is awesome, since it’s a goal for me, to get that kind of therapy!

So, let’s make february a better month!

Letting out pain

I’ve made it through the scariest time of my life. Not going into details, but it’s the reason why I’ve been absent from social sites on the internet for 2 weeks..
And yesterday it all got solved and I felt happy, I could eat a normal meal without puking for the first time in 2 weeks! I felt happy and like I could make it through this shit of a life after all, since I felt strong.

Then another part of reality hit me and life made it very clear for me that Oh hell no, I’m not going nowhere with my life! I’m a fuck-up, a loser, a mental case, good-for-nothing and I’m staying in this shit system called life unless I actually make up my mind about killing myself!

There’s no way out for me and there’s no light cause as soon as I get a glimpse, a tiny ray shining down on me and I allow myself to feel strong, I get knocked down twice as hard, reminding me of my place in this freak show and nut-house.

And I’m tired of escaping to music and movies and shit that don’t matter, cause in the end I’m always crouched in a corner, crying and wanting everything to stop spinning around me and I get reminded to NOT EVER FEEL like I was strong, NOT EVER THINK that maybe there is a purpose for me here on earth!

So I start with my self punishment again for being so incredible STUPID as to believe that there is something for me in this life! I’m such a stupid fucking idiot to think that I would make this and become something that I would be proud of!
I can’t do this, I can’t do this fucking thinking and have this fucking mental-suicide brain of mine and at the same time be punished for letting myself think that I might be GOOD FOR SOMETHING, even for a second! I’m so fucking fed up with battling with my own mind all the time and constantly get proved by this society that I sure as hell ain’t nothing! Ever!

I hate life!! I hate MY life!! I hate myself!! I hate my depression, my anxiety, my moodswings, my thoughts, my brain, I hate life!!