Slås till spillror
Själ som krossat glas

Smärtan, och du har bedövningspilen
i din famn

Smek mej lugn
Håll mej varm

Snart är vintern även utomhus

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Sårbarheten
när jag lägger mina handflator upp mot skyn

och undrar vart mina änglar tog vägen

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Slicka mina öppna sår,
så som du gör mellan mina ben

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Jag är vacker
men min spegelbild är hemsk

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Tortyroffer.
Offra en get till din Gud,

eller låt änglarna gråta

*************

Vid vägskälet
i gatulampan
som gav lite trygghet
ville jag stiga åt sidan
bort från tryggheten ett tag
och se vad som var så hotfullt

Vid vägskälet
valde jag efter vinden
efter min insida på ögonlocken
efter syrsornas ljud
och jag klev åt sidan

Gräset högt
Målmedvetna steg genom syrsornas dal
Blind men så öppen
jag såg allting i mörkret
jag snubblade inte en enda gång

Berget högt
skuggor i mina ögonvrår lockade min primitiva rädsla
Jag höll blicken stadig rakt fram
rakt uppåt
medan jag inte snubblade över dom mörka stenarna
Som om jag visste exakt vart allting på marken låg

Andfådd
Hjärtat pumpade all sin energi
Men jag kom upp på toppen
och jag hade inte vänt mej om förens nu
Vinden lekte i mitt hår,
viskade i mina öron och gav mej hopp

Ögonen vande sig vid stjärnljuset
Stjärnfall
Fullmåne
Närmre rymden och närmre min härkomst
stod jag högst upp och var skör men stark
Skuggorna lät mig vara
Mörkret gjorde alla mina sinnen alerta, men inte rädda

Ville somna precis där
högt uppe
Frihet
Inspiration som glödde
Skuggorna som log mot mig i mina ögonvrår
Jag vek inte undan
Tog in nattens luft, nattens ljud, nattens tystnad i varenda cell i kroppen

Där i min rädsla för mörkret blev jag fri
och luften, skuggorna och stjärnorna sa,

att jag var välkommen åter.

Satt på tåget hem från psykologen
varför känner jag mej så ensam
så konstig
så utomjordisk?
Min diagnos blev tillbaka-tagen
jag passar inte in där heller
Jag kollade ut genom tågfönstret
och min rädsla för döden var bortblåst

Kom hem
grät en flod
det som aldrig kommer ut hos psykologen
kommer alltid ut hemma
varför?
Han sa att han förstod att jag kände mej annorlunda,

som en utomjording bland alla andra
men vad finns det för hjälp mot det?
Det är jobbigt när han ställer frågor
om mej som person
som jag borde veta svaren på
fast det gör jag inte

Är rädd för livet

Jag gör det jag måste göra
för att få sjukpenning
men nu kommer jag bli utan anställning,
arbetslös, den 30′e april
och jag kommer inte få akassa för att jag är sjukskriven
SOC
SOC
SOC
den eviga kampen mellan försäkringskassan och soc
Förpestar mitt liv även mer

Ville sova, sova, sova
Kura ihop mej och få bort
tankarna på hur värdelöst mitt liv är
hur extremt jobbigt det är att gråta i ensamhet
och inte veta vad som är fel
att inte veta vad som är jag
Om jag är frisk eller sjuk
om jag har kraft eller inte
om jag bryr mej längre
eller inte

Jag tycker jag försökt sedan barnsben att ha ett liv
som är fullt av det som alla andra har:
jobb, hobbys, intressen
Jag har inte det
allt det känns meningslöst när man inte vet
vem man själv är
och vad man är här för
troligen för att göra andra glada över att man inte är död..

Slåss mot min hjärna varenda sekund

Jag är min egna fiende
och det är ingen annan som märker det

My everyday is an escape from life itself
from swallowing too many pills
from hating what I see in the mirror

My everyday is an escape from reality itself
from falling downhill
in the forests of my everpresent terror

****************************

the bad side of honey
is that it’s sticky
and attracts bees

****************************

it’s pouring
flowing down the side
landing on the table
just to fall
all the way down

hard wooden
or concrete floor
I seem to forget
what I’m still here for

it’s jerking
pulling me down from behind
can’t see through fables
and I call
up to the crown

do you put me through this
do you allow this
do you enjoy this
am I the fool
entertaining for your jewels

it’s pouring
flowing down the side
landing on the table
just to fall
all the way down

****************************

concentrate
on every
and any
physical feeling
on my skin
in my hair
everywhere

all other feelings
are better
than the pain
in my soul

concentrate
on every
and any
physical feeling

all other feelings
are better
than the mental

****************************

I keep eating
but my stomach still wants more
I want to sleep
but my head won’t let me go

let me go
let me go
let me go
put me in a numb darkness
together with my fairytale prince

and the black rose
on my chest

I keep breathing
but my head keeps wondering what for
I want to be free
but my devil just won’t let me go

let me go
let me go
let me go
put me in a numb darkness
together with my fairytale prince

and a black rose
on my forehead

****************************

am I not me anymore
have I forgotten
what I live for?

yes
yes
yes

six years of
this
I can’t take
anymore

live and die
a babys cry
silently smashed
against the
brick wall

shut up, you kid!
You baby!
You good for nothing!
You child!

no
no
no

25 years of
this
I can’t take
anymore

Free this child inside…

****************************

Hollow
sorrow
borrowed
heart

transvestite of my soul
it’s not me
in the mirror
anymore

holllow
sorrow
borrowed
mind

wanting to be the unborn child

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Reject
reject
reject
unwanted
pushed away

rejected
not answered
not seen
alone

why do I treat myself
as I got treated
when I grew up?

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i wish
everybody
knew my secret
but i feel like
everyone
already do
except for me

i have yet to see

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like my own
homemade rain
it falls down
heavy on my head

uncomfortable
to breathe
and I close my eyes
to try to see

hard to sit
and slippery
I feel my soul
start withering

like my own
homemade rain
uncomfortable
soothing wet

I close my eyes
and try to breathe

*

mommy don’t leave me
please take me with you
daddy please come home
mommy don’t leave me
please take me with you
daddy please come home

I don’t want this key
I don’t want responsibility
I’m 10 years old

mommy don’t walk away
please return for me
daddy please wake up
mommy don’t leave me
please take me with you
I thought it was the three of us

I got the key
I got the responsibility
I will now always be 10 years old

I just lied
when I said I wanted to
be alone
cause I never
fit in
anywhere else
than in our home

****************************
I just want to be seen
and loved
and special
and social
and someone you look up to

attention-whore
attention-whore
a slut’s seconds are expencive
to waste

****************************

It’s a vortex
a vacuum
sucking the life
out of me
like a black hole
of the universe
of my soul

and my bright stars
can’t escape the
darkness
and gets pulled into it
by force

as do my breath

****************************

I can’t endure this
pain
with the knowing
that I can’t
share it
with anyone
everyday

I can’t endure this
chain
with the knowing
that I can’t
break it
anymore
anyday

There just isn’t any escape

****************************

The cracks in the cieling
the weird shape of my pillow
the books in my bookshelf
the picture of Kurt Cobain

how much I want to keep myself
focused on the ‘Here and Now’

so I don’t forget to breathe

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I don’t want to die
I just don’t want to live

I don’t want to live
I just don’t want to die

****************************

Loneliness
is suffocating me
like an invisible and
transparent sheet
heavy on my chest
over my mouth
over my nose
like the mother
suffocating her unwanted child

I feel unwanted
by myself

When loneliness
wakes me up
out of my semi-artificial sleep
and forces me not
to forget its existence
I feel unwanted
in this world
by myself
and my ever present loneliness

****************************

While I cleaned out some of my papers I found this poem I had scribbled down in a notebook awhile ago

If I could afford it
I’d slit my wrists on a hundred-dollar bill
swallow millions of coins til I’d choke
If I could afford it
I’d take my life by drowning in a pot of gold

Death isn’t free and life isn’t cheap
caught inbetween
these really bad dreams

If I could afford it
I’d hang myself with a golden chain
beat myself down with 24 carat stone
If I could afford it
I’d see all lifes movmements
behind the Golden Gate

But life isn’t free
and death isn’t cheap
caught inbetween
these really bad dreams

How can I block out
How can I accept
when what life’s all about
is how much money you get

And while I’m sleeping
with the Son of Satan
he’s my pills for awhile
telling me to hold on one more time
Can I afford his love
Can I buy a personal paradise
where I’d be swimming in his gene-pool
and swallow water to stop the pain for once..

Life isn’t free
and death isn’t cheap
caught inbetween
these really bad dreams

Ernie, oh Earnie what happened to you?
You used to be brown and green too
Now you’re yellow and say nothing much
and you’re stuck in a bath-tub
And as the others play hide and seek
you’re just bumping in your sea
which is just water with edges around
oh, Ernie you’re just going down
Maybe if you were a goose
you’d be running around loose
And wouldn’t worry your mind
if you’ll keep on floating or drown
But Ernie, oh Earnie, the life outside the tub can be tough
you do have your water, bubbles and that’s enough
for you that is your life and home
Oh Earnie, rubberducky all alone

*******************************************************

Once upon a time
in an outdoor pool
a ducky so fine
knew he was so cool
Ernie was his name
he was never ashamed
that he was swimming around in dog-drool

Okey so the story behind this is:  Hannah.

:p

I hate to be in love
I hate
to be
in loveI throw out
my heart
attached to a fishing line
but only sharks takes the bate
They eat it up
they chew my heart up
too much, before I manage to pull it back

I hate to be in love
I hate
to be
in love

I throw up
my guilt
and can’t pretend it’s fine
left in me is only bitternes and hate
it eats me up
it chew my heart up
too much, before I manage to pull it together

I hate to be so unhappy

Why does he have to have a goldfish
by his side already?

Why do never goldfishes take the bate
I’m not throwing out my heart in the wrong waters!

I will just now
from now on
never throw out my heart at all

it’s now in a clamshell
locked away
from the loveboat

I hate
to be
in love

******************

Sums up my feelings now pretty well…
I swore and cursed not to ever, EVER, give my heart to someone again, and what the fuck do I do? I give it away! Again, I get hurt. Cause boys never ever feel the same about me as I do about them. Why?

I keep having this sentence stuck in my head that a boy told me once:
”You’re not girlfriend-material”

I’m not girlfriend-material.
I start to believe shit like that..

I wish I didn’t fall so fast, so easily..but it’s like talking to a wall when I try to tell myself I’m doing wrong. My heart just doesnt listen.

”What can I do if you have deeper feelings for me than I have for you? I can’t change your feelings!?”
Ow.
Ow.
Ouch.
I could feel that pain right there. It was a big knife stabbing my butterflies.

Let me in a bit more into your mysterious silver-web,
the one that shields your heart from the cold reality
Let me be able to move that iron wedge
that keeps you from getting led into actuality

I’m just a fallen angel
with my broken wing on your back
The tree of life will show us
that we’re on the same track

Let yourself in a bit more into your mysterious silver-web,
the one that shields your soul from my mirror
Let yourself be able to see there’s no near end
Can’t we just try harder, see this a little bit clearer?

I’m just a fallen angel
with my broken wing on your back
The tree of life will show us
there’s no need to look back
You’re too a fallen angel
a part of my yin and yang
I’m willing to once again hurt
just to feel loved once again

They stab me with their sharp eyes
rip me apart with their truth
telling me I’m just imagining
ruin my world
I’m just a lost poet
eager to drown in my ocean of feelings
so stir up the storm
make my tears overflow
laugh at my fall
rip me apart
tell me there’s no way
tell me I’m not the type
tell me I’m too dramatic
cause this is what I write
but no matter if you too end up hurting me
I’ll always be this fallen angel
with my broken wing on your back

My bed’s like a socialspot
official meetingplace
I’m the little spoon
cupped and protected by these big spoons…
Those who does nothing else but entering my inner room and wipe their dirty feet before they leave

I don’t care if you’re my friend and kiss me.
And hold me.
And shower with me.
And touch me all over.

We can sit and hold eachothers while the water pours down, drowning us
Tragic romance.
Are we romancing, Big Spoon?
Are we befriending, Sweetheart?
There is nothing right or wrong here
There is just nothing…

Holding you is nice
If I didn’t sit like a corpse in your arms, just letting your lips touch my neck
and I wish I could give something back…

On to next one… the other one I care so much about.
Hold me.
It’s your turn.
Make me feel special for a moment.
I know you can do it.
***********************************************************************

Toss me around
Up and down
Back and forth
Thrust
Harder
Faster
Make me feel so fucking good
I know you want my body so take it!
Touch it
Feel it
Hold it
Slap it
I’ve been so bad, I’m dirty
Give it to me
And you and you and you

I fucking love that I hate my lifestyle.