It’s not me who controls my wishes or thoughts
it’s my demons

I haven’t been in class for a week or so… I just can’t. But I don’t know why. Anxiety. Carelessness? I don’t know… all I know is the carrier of sorrow I am. Confused. Unfocused. Shattered.
Nightmare awoke me to yet another unpleasant morning where school wasn’t even an option in my head, after several unanswered alarmclock signals. Eventhough I told them ”Yes, I WILL be in class tomorrow. I will.”

Why do I do this?  The teachers just wants to help me, not humiliate me this time! I can’t for the life of me understand my own actions.
Everything is just a big escape and I’ve lost control. Routines aren’t even on my mindmap. There’s no X by the buried treasure.
The grief and sorrow in me is something I don’t have the energy to deal with cause I don’t know how. With a knife again? With even more alcohol?
All I know is that I do not function. All I have as something to try to cling on and try to hold on to each day is my diet. That I know what I will eat. That’s about how much control I have over my life now. There is no more strength in me to fight these demons anymore. I’ve let them control me too much in a row this time.
Naturally. I’m sinking. And it doesn’t matter how much you like me as a person….

School is great. Love still sucks. Heartbroken again. Panicattack, crying, screaming, exhausting, death-wishes and so incredibly hurt deep inside her soul that nothing is left there anymore.

You can fuck off cause you fucking hurt me!
Bastard!

Maybe this is it… I don’t know what I’m reaching out for…I reach out to survive I guess… I’m getting worse with dealing with the nights, the tears, the silence, the radio, the sounds, the everything…

All evening this sentence has echoed in my head:”Maybe I don’t want to get better”. It scares me cause it might be very true.
Maybe I don’t want to get better?
I’m going down again, tears in my eyes again… and I just want to disappear. I want to get away from everybody. I want to unplug my internet and never be online anymore just cause I don’t want to be seen by people anymore. Not now…
I see myself in another sort of environment where nobody knows about me. Where I can be anyone and maybe make up a new self. A new life.

But maybe I don’t want to change?
Maybe I don’t want to get better?
As each day goes by, I fear that this really is it for me. And if this is it for me….then I really just want to sleep.

I don’t know which way I’m going to now

The first week of working as a gardener since vacation and this is my second day I stay home….because….I really don’t know… I’m terrified I will feel like things doesn’t matter even when I start school in two weeks! I just don’t feel like I should go to work! I feel like a 13 year old who doesn’t care about school. I feel like I don’t really care. I feel worthless when I wake up in the mornings, so I just go back to sleep. But not even in my sleep will I feel good cause I have nightmares that reminds me of reality

I’m just drained of motivation, energy, care….
I’m irritated at everything in life, at people….
I just want to sleep…

Why do I act like this when finally things are going in the right direction? Stupid brain…

I can’t define this feeling I have… it’s like I’m floating around inbetween things; Pride is over, I’m back working as a gardener, school starts in two weeks… woke up from a nightmare this morning and my stomach was hurting so mucj,  think it was anxiety…so I called in sick from work…I’m comfort-eating but I don’t really know why. (probably cause I can’t get rid of this lonely feeling and the feeling of not knowing who I am).

Love is pointless.
and Pelle still hurts me by being the wonderful guy I can’t live with.
I’m so tired all the day, eventhough I take naps, I’m still tired and feel like I can fall asleep whenever…

I’m the Carrier Of Sorrow…but it’s been a long while since I knew why.

”…And as time roll by
still I feel like a child
as I look at the moon
maybe I grew up
a little too soon…”

I’m so disappointed at myself and I’m anxious now. Yesterday when I got home from work I got my first anxietyattack and broke down for the first time in three weeks. Because of this and that I couldn’t get any sleep for some hours, I ditched the Pride work today. I feel shitty cause I didn’t go, so I’m caught in a fucking anxietycircle that I managed to get out of three weeks ago! FUCK!!!!
And the thing is that all the workers on Pride have a party tonight and I really wanna go, but since I called myself in sick this morning, I’m not sure if I can go without people questioning tonight I keep battling in my head over and over if I should ditch the party aswell or not.

I’m so fucking fed up with having the mind of a 13 year old girl when I’m supposed to be a 25 year old woman. No wonder I fuck things up!!

I don’t know what to do….

Har börjat dejta Pelle igen. Några saker stör mej ang. det och det är:
1. Vi ska ta det ”lugnt”. Och ingen av oss har en aning om vad det innebär, men tydligen är det ”lugnt” vi ska ta det…..

2. Kan jag lita på honom, att han kommer vara där för mej även när jag mår dåligt? Det var ju typ det som fuckade upp allt sist..

Men så är man väl förblindad av kärlek också. Usch. Jag hatar ordet kärlek och kär och allt som har med det att göra, men jag tror fan jag trillat dit igen nu. Jag är fan kär i grabben! Helvete… det är därför jag försöker koncentrera mej på typ allt annat i mitt liv än tankarna på honom nu. Jag är uppväxt med att tro att varje gång nånting bra händer så är det bara en varning om att allt kommer gå åt helvete sen :-/ Men jag kämpar för att ändra dom tankarna, men har man haft dom i snart 25 år så ändras det inte på en natt!
Pelle är i Lund och jobbar i knappt en vecka nu. Jag har lovat mej själv att inte höra av mej till honom, utan låta honom göra det, om han behagar. Jag torterar mej själv som vanligt alltså…

Semestern kunde inte börjat mer konfundersamt..! Han är ju så jävla rädd också! Känns som att jag går på en tunn lina och ett felsteg så är det kört… känns som jag väntar på att få en käftsmäll igen (inte bokstavligt talat!!). Känns som jag går på tå, aktar mej för att inte få nån elektrisk stöt som slänger mej tillbaka till skiten igen… allt för den här grabben!! Men säger jag det här till honom så backar han väl ännu mer… Jag förstår hans rädsla men samtidigt inte. Om han är rädd för att bli sårad på nåt sätt så är väl jag levande beviset på att man faktiskt överlever?? Man måste ju för fan offra för att vinna nånting! Jag har lärt mej saker varje gång en kille bränt mej eller varit ett arsel, och lik förbannat står jag här på mina bara knän framför Pelle och vill inget mer än att han säger att det är mej han vill ha i sitt liv! Han sårade mej nåt grymt sist, men ändå är jag här och känner att jag vill göra allt för honom!

Jag tror jag klarar mej ur min depression med. Har inte mått så här bra på jag vet inte hur länge. Helt sjukt hur jag kan ställa mej upp efter allt jag kämpat med, sen falla ner på knä för en kille! :p En jävla toffel är jag. Usch!

I’m thinking of not writing so much about the Midsummer celebration, more about some things I got to know about my family while I celebrated yesterday with my aunt. I don’t feel like writing about how fucking drunk I got, more about maybe a reason to why I feel mentally bad and have problems with alcohol sometimes..

We’re bad at talking about stuff in our family. My aunt and me feel like the only ones who actually talk about what happens in our family and with our relatives. If something bad happens, they tend to just put the lid on and pretend that everything’s fine.
Some years (or MANY years) ago I first got to know that one of my cousins on my mom’s side of the family had been in trouble with drugs and was in rehab. Yesterday my aunt told me though that it was more mental problems he had, than drug problems. I remember him from when I was younger. I remember him one time showing up at my parents place without a warning. I of course got happy to see him and we hugged. Now yesterday I got to know that he probably had escaped rehab that time, that’s why he showed up at our place. Apparently he still does that..
Anyway, I got to know that he had tried to kill himself when he lived with his parents (my mom and aunts late sister who died about 7 years ago or something). He had made it as a cry for help, cause he knew when my aunt (his mom) was gonna come home from work, and just as she did, he had hung himself in their kitchen and my aunt had found him and cut him down. They rushed him to the hospital and since my aunt (his mom) talked bad swedish, my other aunt had to call the doctors and talk to them and take care of everything on that part.
He was okey for some time, but then he started doing drugs with a girl he was dating. They got a baby and she had to be taken to a fosterhome later cause they couldn’t take care of themselves, much less a kid. I met her only some years ago and she’s really sweet! I hope that she will grow up without alcohol and drugs..
Anyway, so my cousin has a long story dealing with drugs and mental illness, mental hospitals, rehab etc. And just last week, I think, my other cousin (his sister) had told my aunt (the one I celebrated with yesterday) that he had shown up at her place in Östersund. Just out of the blue. He was talking jibberish that he had been saved by Jesus and that he was now perfectly healthy and was gonna live in Östersund. But they found out soon that he had escaped the hospital. His sister tried to make him contact social services and she helped him with meetings and such, but in the end he never showed up. And you can’t force someone. He has no papers and no one ‘cares’ to take him back to a hospital or rehab, so now he’s homeless in Östersund, and alcoholic and probably doing drugs again.

And my granddad was/is an alcoholic. His daughters (my mom and my aunts) had to go look for him during the evenings cause he would be out drinking and they’d find him laying in a ditch, being so drunk that they had to help him home. My aunt says that she still remembers when she was 10 years old and had to go look for her drunk dad in the streets…. it was normal for her!

And my grandmom is aparently on some calming medecine for anxiety and her nerves.

All this information about my family got me sad and a bit confused… but I’m so happy that I know more about it now because it does help me to understand myself; There’s less questionmarks about why I feel mentally bad, why I have trouble sometimes with alcohol. It all feels so scarily calming and ‘okey’ to know now. It’s like I feel like it’s a curse that my family and relatives has been having for so long and when it’s in your blood, you know.. :-/

Alcohol, drugs, mental problems, medecines… I feel like I’m in a whirlpool and my aunts words and story are twirling around me and I have to try to grasp it and understand..
I’m worried that she will call me one day and tell me that my cousin has been found dead somewhere, either of some overdose or suicide..

Why? Why did I have to be yet one to suffer by this curse?

And I also found out that my aunt (the one I met yesterday) was a mistake. She wasn’t meant to be born and that my grandmom still reminds her of that, telling her that she’s a mistake etc. I just can’t see my grandmom say words like that, but apparently she does! Jeez…

I have to stop writing now, I think I got it all out now so I can try to sleep.
I’m going back to stockholm tomorrow and I’m longing..

Today I was at the doctors. I got Imovane (sleeping-pills that hopefully knocks me out) and a certificate that I’m still ill for next month aswell.
I also asked about the small itching wounds I have gotten inside, outside and around my ears. I thought it was nickel-allergy cause I’m allergic to it, but since I never wear earrings with nickel in them I thought it was weird. He said it was a streptocock infection. Same blisters and wounds I always get on my lips, only this time they had spread to around my ears! I had a friend in school who used to get it all over half of her face and I was lucky just to have it on my lips. Has that luck changed now? :S I’m going to the pharmacy tomorrow to get me an antibiotic creme for it and I hope it never returns elsewhere on my body again.

I’m the walking pharmacy!
oh well… as long as all my meds helps..

Going to a meeting at the social services tomorrow. I hope it gives something and I hope they’re still gonna be nice to me.