När varje andetag är laddat med ångest…allt går i en ond cirkel; ens liv, ens beteende, ens tankar, ens andningar… känns som att andas in gas…varje andetag blir snabbare och snabbare, ångesten över att leva slåss med ångesten över att dö… Man vill ingetdera… man vill vara någonstanns mitt emellan..

Skrika och gråta så högt att grannarna hör… ligga ihopkurad som ett barn som får stryk av sin pappa…i soffan som jag inte längre vill ha…

Paniken sitter i hela kroppen, tomheten i magen, kaoset i huvudet… längtan i andningen… längtan till något annorlunda… att bara få komma bort…paniken sprider sig till armarna, händerna, som griper tag… och även fast man inte är religiös så ber man att få slippa känna den här oändliga smärtan inombords. Smärtan som är värre än den fysiska…och mellan dom snabba inandningarna så försöker man skrika…gråten fastnar i halsen och synen är dimmig. Tårar som kommer, alla på samma gång, blöter ner allting och man vill försvinna från den fysiska kroppen, från hjärtats kramper, från magens kullerbyttor…man vill stoppa fingarna i halsen och spy upp sitt hjärta och klippa navelsträngen… man vill bli omhändertagen men man är ensam. Man är helt ensam i sin panik.

01.37 noon and 841006 is signing in.
*beep*

I’m eating my breakfastlunchdinnersnack consisting of sandwiches that sweet Emma gave to me (since I am poor and can’t afford my own food). and on top of that my daily dose of medicines. I have an earinfection so I have to take medicines for that too… It’s nothing bad though

In six days I’m going to my family in motala to stay there over christmas. I’m actually longing to get away from here for awhile :p

hmm…I need to wrap the christmas prezzies..

oooh, I had my first ever Ponymeet two days ago! It was awesome and I made new friends and had a great social day that lasted for 12 hours ;D I got an early christmas gift, we made lots of gingerbreads and muffins, ate a lot, played games and watched movies. I feel so social I might have to go underground for a whole year after this! (joke )

I’m actually longing for my christmasgifts… it’s great to feel like a child sometimes

I realized that some of my friends have started updating their blogs again and I have a faint memory that I too have a blog…

So yeah here’s (finally) an update!

I’m on the path where I am looking for stagemanager jobs again. I.Will.Not.Give.It.Up. However I am very lost when it comes to stagemanager jobs here in Sweden. I am taking help by my awesome Jessi and the not so awesome unemployment services. (I managed to convince them that!).
So that’s my most visible path in the otherwise very chaotic forest of my life..

I’m seeing my shrink more often. Good thing!
My lovelife is as fucked up as inviting Hitler to Hanukka though… back and forth, hating myself for my feelings, fucking everything that moves…it’s just chaotic..I’m trying to sort it out too though. It’s just that some people are my heroin! They’re bad for me, but I can’t stay away :-/
So I’m working on that too…

My whole self actually feels like a renovating object with signs on my forehead and on my chest:”WARNING! Avalanche zone!” ”Don’t Trespass!” and so on…

As well as I have started to renovate my inside and my head, I will soon start on the outside aswell; Will start going to a gym, I’m finishing my tattoo on my back and I’m gonna do something about my damn skin on my face. And before christmas I will re-colour my hair again. I’m waiting impatiently for it to grow..

I’m reading the book ”Love Yourself”. So you see I’m very into this whole renovating myself! I’m tired of hating myself… time to accept, renovate, take a deep breath with new air and keep struggling on. Come 2010, I want this year to be over already!

Tomorrow I’m gonna make gingerbreads with some people in Nacka. I’ve never met them before, but included in this ”renovation project” is; Getting New Friends…Oh! and to stop abusing alcohol. It has gone way too far now! So this New Year Celebration will be a sober one. I promise myself that.

In 8 days I’m going to my parents place. I’ll stay there during Christmas, but I’ll be back in stockholm the 27th again. I’ll try to update my blog when I’m there.

See ya!

Weird…I really MUST be suffering from Alzheimers Light. I just signed up on LiveJournal to post in my blog, then wondered where the hell my blog was…then realized I’m on WordPress. Not LiveJournal. So now I have an account there aswell. *thumb up for my great memory* :p

Anyway, I haven’t updated for ”years”… thing is I don’t know more what to write… I’m still fucking up school, I still don’t know what to do with my life, I’m dating a girl now cause I’m sick of boys, I turn 25 tomorrow (yes, birthday!), my friend Sofie got her first baby two days ago…hmmm… I’m going to Motala this weekend to celebrate my birthday with my parents and Erik and Sussie That’ll be fun!

hmm, my stomach is acting up…maybe cause I’ve only been eating cookies today… :p

Catch me more on Facebook!

Slås till spillror
Själ som krossat glas

Smärtan, och du har bedövningspilen
i din famn

Smek mej lugn
Håll mej varm

Snart är vintern även utomhus

*************

Sårbarheten
när jag lägger mina handflator upp mot skyn

och undrar vart mina änglar tog vägen

*************

Slicka mina öppna sår,
så som du gör mellan mina ben

*************

Jag är vacker
men min spegelbild är hemsk

*************

Tortyroffer.
Offra en get till din Gud,

eller låt änglarna gråta

*************

It’s not me who controls my wishes or thoughts
it’s my demons

I haven’t been in class for a week or so… I just can’t. But I don’t know why. Anxiety. Carelessness? I don’t know… all I know is the carrier of sorrow I am. Confused. Unfocused. Shattered.
Nightmare awoke me to yet another unpleasant morning where school wasn’t even an option in my head, after several unanswered alarmclock signals. Eventhough I told them ”Yes, I WILL be in class tomorrow. I will.”

Why do I do this?  The teachers just wants to help me, not humiliate me this time! I can’t for the life of me understand my own actions.
Everything is just a big escape and I’ve lost control. Routines aren’t even on my mindmap. There’s no X by the buried treasure.
The grief and sorrow in me is something I don’t have the energy to deal with cause I don’t know how. With a knife again? With even more alcohol?
All I know is that I do not function. All I have as something to try to cling on and try to hold on to each day is my diet. That I know what I will eat. That’s about how much control I have over my life now. There is no more strength in me to fight these demons anymore. I’ve let them control me too much in a row this time.
Naturally. I’m sinking. And it doesn’t matter how much you like me as a person….

Vid vägskälet
i gatulampan
som gav lite trygghet
ville jag stiga åt sidan
bort från tryggheten ett tag
och se vad som var så hotfullt

Vid vägskälet
valde jag efter vinden
efter min insida på ögonlocken
efter syrsornas ljud
och jag klev åt sidan

Gräset högt
Målmedvetna steg genom syrsornas dal
Blind men så öppen
jag såg allting i mörkret
jag snubblade inte en enda gång

Berget högt
skuggor i mina ögonvrår lockade min primitiva rädsla
Jag höll blicken stadig rakt fram
rakt uppåt
medan jag inte snubblade över dom mörka stenarna
Som om jag visste exakt vart allting på marken låg

Andfådd
Hjärtat pumpade all sin energi
Men jag kom upp på toppen
och jag hade inte vänt mej om förens nu
Vinden lekte i mitt hår,
viskade i mina öron och gav mej hopp

Ögonen vande sig vid stjärnljuset
Stjärnfall
Fullmåne
Närmre rymden och närmre min härkomst
stod jag högst upp och var skör men stark
Skuggorna lät mig vara
Mörkret gjorde alla mina sinnen alerta, men inte rädda

Ville somna precis där
högt uppe
Frihet
Inspiration som glödde
Skuggorna som log mot mig i mina ögonvrår
Jag vek inte undan
Tog in nattens luft, nattens ljud, nattens tystnad i varenda cell i kroppen

Där i min rädsla för mörkret blev jag fri
och luften, skuggorna och stjärnorna sa,

att jag var välkommen åter.

School is great. Love still sucks. Heartbroken again. Panicattack, crying, screaming, exhausting, death-wishes and so incredibly hurt deep inside her soul that nothing is left there anymore.

You can fuck off cause you fucking hurt me!
Bastard!

I’m so bad at updating my blog nowadays! :-/

It has happened quite a lot and that’s why I haven’t really written anthing in my blog for a while;

- my sister has moved to finland

- I have started studying a one year course of art (in all its forms), psychology, pedagogy and self-development. I love it already eventhough I’ve only been studying for a week

- I’m becoming a vegetarian

- I got my hair cut and colored (it’s a bit 90’s-bob-haircut now, and red and black!)

Hmm.. basically why I havent  been updating my blog is cause too much has happened inside of me with the start of school and meeting my new classmates etc… A lot of good things are going on with me now and I feel so grateful and happy

I need to go to sleep a lot earlier than normal though, being in school again is taking much energy! I’m ready to die of sleep when I come home :p
Tomorrow I’m going to my shrink, then to Kista Mässan to an exhibition of how to live an ecologic life/lifestyle. After that I’m going to my friends to have a party at my friends beach house, sleep-over and then on saturday we’ll go to StageDive Day Out Festival together to listen to livebands

Things just feel so awesome right now so I think I’ll really just enjoy the moments

Today was my first school day in six years.
I really enjoyed this first day and I think I will have an awesome and very interesting and good time in this school This course I go is aesthetic and psychologic at the same time Tomorrow we’ll start with painting with acrylics! other subjects I have are sculpture, photography, puppet makery,  pedagogy etc.

We’re 12 in my class and we start at 8.30 in the mornings and finish at 15.30. Finally I do something good during the days!

I was worried about my money from CSN (Central Study—something :p) but I called them today and I will get my payment in two days! It’s a lot of money (at least for me!) and I really need it now! I have like…5 crowns in my bankaccount and that’s it >_< I need to buy food. Especially since I have to buy my own school lunch! Money is very convenient :p

Might write more tomorrow, about my second schoolday, but I’m gonna hang out with Henke aswell

See ya!